Cornwall. 30th June 2014. 21.00pm – Kick off.
Barbara, 96, and Hazel, 94, are sat on the sofa watching the game.
BARBARA: Who’s Germany’s number 11?
HAZEL: Klose.
Barbara grabs Hazel’s head and shoves her lips on her ears.
BARBARA: WHO’S GERMANY’S NUMBER 11?!
Barbara laughs hysterically as Hazel rubs her ears.
HAZEL: Jesus.
BARBARA: Haha, too close?
HAZEL: Yeah.
Hazel looks at her lap.
BARBARA: I’m just glad Rod Fanni didn’t play for France earlier.
© Carl Burkitt 2014
Cornwall. 30th June 2014. 17.10pm – 10 minutes after kick off.
Barbara, 96, and Hazel, 94, are sat on the sofa watching the France vs Nigeria game.
Hazel turns to Barbara.
HAZEL: Ever been to Nigeria?
BARBARA: Yeah.
HAZEL: Really?
BARBARA: Yeah.
HAZEL: When?
BARBARA: Years ago.
HAZEL: Like it?
BARBARA: Was horrible.
HAZEL: What?
BARBARA: No food.
HAZEL: Well-
BARBARA: Full of people dancing about muttering nonsense.
HAZEL: Right-
BARBARA: Always raining.
HAZEL: Raining?-
BARBARA: Too many kids.
HAZEL: I-
BARBARA: Bit of a shit hole, actually.
HAZEL: Oh wow, OK. I thought it was wonderful. Such a diverse country offering a look into a completely different way of life compared to our-
BARBARA: Country?
HAZEL: What?
BARBARA: Butlins isn’t a country.
HAZEL: Butlins?
BARBARA: You asked me if I’ve been to Butlins.
HAZEL: I asked if you’ve been to Nigeria.
BARBARA: Oh. No.
Hazel looks at Barbara.
BARBARA: Butlins is shit.
© Carl Burkitt 2014
Cornwall. 29th June 2014. 21.00pm – Kick off.
Barbara, 96, is sat watching the game.
Hazel, 94, walks into the living room.
HAZEL: Who you routing for, then?
BARBARA: The Smelly Coffee Shops.
HAZEL: Hmm?
BARBARA: Costa Rica…
Hazel sits down, refusing to smile at the hilarious joke.
© Carl Burkitt 2014
Cornwall. 29th June 2014. 17.15pm – 15 minutes after kick off.
Hazel, 94, is sat on the sofa focused intently on the performance of Netherlands, her sweepstake pick.
Barbara, 96, walks in, smiling.
BARBARA: Wanna hear a jo-
HAZEL: Piss off, Barbara.
© Carl Burkitt 2014
Cornwall. 28th June 2014. 21.00pm – Kick off.
Barbara, 96, and Hazel, 94, are sat on the sofa watching the Colombia vs Uruguay game.
Barbara starts laughing hysterically.
HAZEL: You OK?
BARBARA: HAHAHAHAHA
HAZEL: …
BARBARA: HAHAHAHAHA
HAZEL: What’s-
BARBARA: HAHAHAHAHA OH MY GOD HAZEL
HAZEL: What?
BARBARA: HAVE YOU HAHAHAHAHAHA
HAZEL: …
BARBARA: HAVE YOU EVER REALISED HAHAHAHAHA
HAZEL: …
BARBARA: THAT URUGUAY
HAZEL: Yes?
BARBARA: SOUNDS LIKE-
HAZEL: For Christ’s sake
BARBARA: HAHAHAHAHA
HAZEL: Yes, yes, it’s been said a million-
BARBARA: YOU’RE A GUY!!
HAZEL: Oh-
BARBARA: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
© Carl Burkitt 2014
Cornwall. 28th June 2014. 17.30pm – 30 minutes after kick off.
Hazel, 94, is sat on the sofa watching the Brazil game.
Barbara, 96, enters the living room, wearing a black leather jacket. She pauses and slicks her hair back with a little comb.
Hazel rolls her eyes.
HAZEL: Greece aren’t playing.
BARBARA: I know.
HAZEL: Then why are you dressed like that, again?
BARBARA: My Bridge Club sweepstake pick.
HAZEL: What?
BARBARA: …I got Chhiiiiiiiiiilll-
HAZEL: I hate you.
© Carl Burkitt 2014
Cornwall. 26th June 2014. 21.00pm – Kick off.
A worse for wear Barbara, 96, is sat on the sofa with a flannel on her head, watching the Algeria vs Russia game with Hazel, 94.
BARBARA: We’ve already seen this.
HAZEL: What?
BARBARA: This game. We’ve seen it.
HAZEL: It’s literally just started.
BARBARA: No. We’ve seen it.
HAZEL: We haven’t, trust me.
BARBARA: They played the other day.
HAZEL: No, they played the other teams in their group the other day – South Korea and Belgium.
BARBARA: What?
HAZEL: Huh?
BARBARA: What do you mean?
HAZEL: What?
BARBARA: What do you mean, “other teams in their group”?
HAZEL: What?!
BARBARA: Hmm?
HAZEL: Are you kidding?
BARBARA: No…
HAZEL: We…
BARBARA: Other teams?
HAZEL: Yeah…
BARBARA: …
HAZEL: In their group!
BARBARA: You’ve lost me.
HAZEL: This is the last of the group games…
Barbara looks blankly.
HAZEL: I…there… there are 32 teams split across eight groups…
BARBARA: …
HAZEL: Each team in each group plays each other…
BARBARA: …
HAZEL: Top two go through.
BARBARA: Wait.
HAZEL: What?
BARBARA: There’s been (pause) 48 games?!
HAZEL: …Yes
BARBARA: We’ve seen all of them?
HAZEL: Other than a couple, yeah.
BARBARA: Seriously?
HAZEL: YES!
BARBARA: …
HAZEL: Are you OK?
BARBARA: Hazel, I’m scared.
Barbara walks upstairs to bed.
© Carl Burkitt 2014
Cornwall. 26th June 2014. 17.00pm – Kick off.
Hazel, 94, walks into the living room, from the kitchen, excited for the USA vs Germany game and to carry on hers and Barbara’s, 96, tradition of both preparing food of one of the nations involved in the last day of the group stages.
Hazel’s carrying a big sharing platter of bratwurst, currywurst, sauerkraut and weizenbier.
She enters the living room to see Barbara slouched on the sofa, wearing just her bra and knickers and a star-spangled bandana, eating from a can of SPAM with a teaspoon.
Hazel sighs.
HAZEL: Afterno-
BARBARA: U.S.-
Barbara falls off the sofa into a pile of empty Budweiser cans.
© Carl Burkitt 2014
Cornwall. 25th June 2014. 20.55pm – Five minutes before kick off.
Hazel, 94, and Barbara, 96, are watching the build up to the Honduras vs Switzerland game.
The squad lists appear on the screen.
BARBARA: HA!
HAZEL: What?
BARBARA: Nothing.
Hazel looks at the screen.
HAZEL: You’re laughing at the fact ‘Phillipe Senderos’ sounds vaguely like ‘Honduras’, aren’t you…?
BARBARA: Words are ace!
HAZEL: They certainly are.
Hazel smiles.
HAZEL: What are your favourite words?
BARBARA: ‘Patronising’ and ‘bitch’, I reckon.
© Carl Burkitt 2014
Cornwall. 25th June 2014. 17.00pm – Kick off.
Hazel, 94, is sat watching the Bosnia-Herzegovina vs Iran game.
Barbara, 96, is next to her on the sofa, twiddling her thumbs.
BARBARA: Bosnia vs Iran, eh?
HAZEL: Yep
BARBARA: Herzegovina
HAZEL: Yep
BARBARA: Herzegovina
HAZEL: mhmm
BARBARA: Go vin YA
HAZEL: …
BARBARA: Goooo viiiiiiin yaaaaaa-
Hazel tuts and changes the channel to the Nigeria vs Argentina game.
Barbara nods.
BARBARA: Thanking you.
© Carl Burkitt 2014
Carl tells tales 