France vs Germany (Quarter final)

Cornwall. 4th July 2014. 16.50pm – 10 minutes before kick off.

Barbara, 96, is sat on the sofa trying to guess the charade a stood up Hazel, 94, is acting out.

Hazel puts up four fingers.

BARBARA: Fourth word.

Hazel grabs her earlobe.

BARBARA: Sounds like.

Hazel points at Barbara’s A3 canvas print of Phil and Gary Neville.

BARBARA: Legends!

Hazel shakes her head.

BARBARA: Sounds like… Nevilles?

Hazel points to Gary, then to Phil.

BARBARA: Ah! Brothers!

Hazel nods.

BARBARA: The Lives of Brothers?

Hazel grabs her earlobe.

BARBARA: Brothers, smother, mother, others. Others.

Hazel smiles.

BARBARA: THE LIVES OF OTHERS!

HAZEL: YES!

Barbara and Hazel high-five as Hazel sits down.

BARBARA: Get in. Great film, that.

HAZEL: It is, isn’t it? Righto. Your turn.

BARBARA: Can’t we stop now?

HAZEL: Aww, don’t be like that.

BARBARA: I love games, but I’m tired, hungry, and ready for the France game.

HAZEL: And you always say I’m the grumpy, boring one…

BARBARA: Fine. Fine.

Barbara stands up.

Hazel shuffles forward on her seat.

Barbara puts four fingers up.

HAZEL: Four words.

Barbara nods.

HAZEL: Wait, what is it?

Barbara opens her mouth and mimics talking.

HAZEL: Not this again. We have always played film, TV show or book. You can’t go chucking in “famous phrase” whenever you feel like it.

Barbara frowns at Hazel.

BARBARA: If you want me to play…

HAZEL: OK, OK.

Barbara opens her mouth and mimics talking.

HAZEL: Yes, yes, famous phrase.

Barbara sticks up one finger.

HAZEL: First word.

Barbara pretends to pick something up.

HAZEL: Pick up.

Barbara shakes her head.

HAZEL: Baby… Grab… Hold…

Barbara walks to the other side of the room, pretends to pick something up and walks back.

HAZEL: Collect… Bring…

Barbara grabs her earlobe.

HAZEL: Sounds like…

Barbara points at a picture of Hazel’s mother on the mantel piece.

HAZEL: Bet! GET!

Barbara nods.

Barbra sticks up two fingers.

HAZEL: Second word.

Barbara looks around the room. She spots her purse and points at it.

HAZEL: Purse. Money.

Barbara points at the purse and then at herself.

HAZEL: Purse. Purse, you. Your purse. Empty!

Barbara frowns. She spots her slippers on the floor next to Hazel’s slippers.

Barbara points at her slippers.

HAZEL: Slippers.

Barbara points at the slippers and then at herself.

HAZEL: Your slippers.

Barbara points at Hazel’s slippers.

HAZEL: Mine.

Barbara points at Hazel’s slippers and at Hazel.

HAZEL: My slip-

Barbara nods at Hazel.

HAZEL: MY?!

Barbara nods.

HAZEL: Get my. Famous phrase. Get my.

Barbara lies on the floor on her back, her legs spread and in the air.

HAZEL: What the?

Barbara starts gyrating and thrusting.

HAZEL: Um… Sex. Filthy. Dirty. Shagging.

Barbara nods.

Barbara bites her bottom lip and moves pelvis faster.

HAZEL: Shagging? Boning. Humping…

Barbara gets on her knees and puts her right hand, face down, in front her groin.

She closes her eyes, tilts her head back and thrusts incredibly hard.

HAZEL: Doggy. Anal.

Barbara pretends to slap an imaginary bum.

HAZEL: Bumming. Porking.

Barbara thrusts even harder.

HAZEL: Fucking. FUCKING!

Barbara jumps to her feet and nods.

HAZEL: Get my fucking-

Barbara puts four fingers up.

HAZEL: Fourth word.

Barbara forms a triangle with her hands.

HAZEL: Triangle.

Barbara shakes her head.

HAZEL: Famous phrase?

Barbara nods and holds her hands in the triangle shape.

HAZEL: Triangle! Pyramid. Hands. Spear?!

Barbara shakes her head.

HAZEL: Vagina? Arrow?

Barbara points towards the kitchen and pretends to bite the triangle her hands are shaped as.

HAZEL: Kitchen? Bite? Pizza? CHEESE?

Barbara nods excitedly.

HAZEL: Cheese? Stilton. Cheddar.

Barbara stares at Hazel.

HAZEL: Edam? Brie? BRIE! GET MY FUCKING BRIE!

BARBARA: YES!

HAZEL! WEYHEEEY- Wait. What?

BARBARA: Hmm?

HAZEL: That’s not a phrase.

BARBARA: Get my fucking Brie.

HAZEL: Yeah.

BARBARA: Get my fucking Brie?

HAZEL: It’s not a phrase!

Barbara glares aggressively at Hazel.

BARBARA: Hazel.

HAZEL: (Coughs uncomfortably) Yes?

BARBARA: Get. My. Fucking. Brie.

Hazel stands up, intimidated, and heads to the kitchen.

Barbara sits down.

BARBARA: Did not think that would work.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

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Belgium vs USA (Last 16)

Cornwall. 1st July 2014. 21.30pm – 30 minutes after kick off.

Hazel, 94, and Barbara, 96, are watching the Belgium vs USA game. It’s 30 minutes in, the score is 0-0.

HAZEL: Nil-nil, eh?

BARBARA: mmm…

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Argentina vs Switzerland (Last 16)

Cornwall. 1st July 2014. 17.00pm – Kick off.

Barbara, 96, and Hazel, 94, are sat watching the game.

HAZEL: If I was an inanimate object, what would I be?

BARBARA: Easy, Swiss Army Knife.

Hazel smiles.

HAZEL: Is that because I’m incredibly useful and everyone should have one?

BARBARA: Nah, I watched you getting changed last night and noticed your gross, full-body rash is back.

HAZEL: I-

BARBARA: Minging.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Germany vs Algeria (Last 16)

Cornwall. 30th June 2014. 21.00pm – Kick off.

Barbara, 96, and Hazel, 94, are sat on the sofa watching the game.

BARBARA: Who’s Germany’s number 11?

HAZEL: Klose.

Barbara grabs Hazel’s head and shoves her lips on her ears.

BARBARA: WHO’S GERMANY’S NUMBER 11?!

Barbara laughs hysterically as Hazel rubs her ears.

HAZEL: Jesus.

BARBARA: Haha, too close?

HAZEL: Yeah.

Hazel looks at her lap.

BARBARA: I’m just glad Rod Fanni didn’t play for France earlier.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

France vs Nigeria (Last 16)

Cornwall. 30th June 2014. 17.10pm – 10 minutes after kick off.

Barbara, 96, and Hazel, 94, are sat on the sofa watching the France vs Nigeria game.

Hazel turns to Barbara.

HAZEL: Ever been to Nigeria?

BARBARA: Yeah.

HAZEL: Really?

BARBARA: Yeah.

HAZEL: When?

BARBARA: Years ago.

HAZEL: Like it?

BARBARA: Was horrible.

HAZEL: What?

BARBARA: No food.

HAZEL: Well-

BARBARA: Full of people dancing about muttering nonsense.

HAZEL: Right-

BARBARA: Always raining.

HAZEL: Raining?-

BARBARA: Too many kids.

HAZEL: I-

BARBARA: Bit of a shit hole, actually.

HAZEL: Oh wow, OK. I thought it was wonderful. Such a diverse country offering a look into a completely different way of life compared to our-

BARBARA: Country?

HAZEL: What?

BARBARA: Butlins isn’t a country.

HAZEL: Butlins?

BARBARA: You asked me if I’ve been to Butlins.

HAZEL: I asked if you’ve been to Nigeria.

BARBARA: Oh. No.

Hazel looks at Barbara.

BARBARA: Butlins is shit.

© Carl Burkitt 2014