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Category Archives: 30 Second Tales

Tales written and told by me, illustrated by Darrell Swainston. Follow @30SecondTales on Instagram.

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Wisdom Teeth

Posted on March 26, 2020 by carltellstales

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Owl

Posted on March 5, 2020 by carltellstales

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Ages

Posted on February 25, 2020 by carltellstales

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Sunbathe

Posted on February 20, 2020 by carltellstales

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Raw

Posted on February 14, 2020 by carltellstales

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Thesaurus

Posted on January 29, 2020 by carltellstales

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Loud

Posted on January 23, 2020 by carltellstales

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Smiling

Posted on January 16, 2020 by carltellstales

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#10YearChallenge

Posted on January 9, 2020 by carltellstales

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Air Guitar

Posted on January 2, 2020 by carltellstales

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Stuff I done wrote

Hot air
Lessons learned
Ash
I felt the sickness behind my eyes
Colin
Smallsteps and Sideways
Ronnie O’Sullivan is
Paul
This one’s for Ben
Jelly Babies on a cliffside
My favourite noise is the OOH! someone makes after stopping themselves from falling over on a wet rock
Rich
A puddle wearing waterproofs
Uniform
The sunshine works in a Gretna café
There’s a barbershop at Lymm Services
I clicked ‘yes’ when the ATM asked if I wanted an advice slip
Action
Wonky
Reliable
An art gallery made up of supermarket cereal shelves
Different Saturdays
An idea
Pedestrians have priority
I’m watching two old blokes
How is he in himself?
Cleaning an open window
Advertise your brand on this roundabout
We are broadcasting live from Ibiza
The beginning
Parallel
Flat
Hi, this is Victoria from One Life. Am I speaking to Carl? Oh, great. Tell me, when the time comes, will it be a burial or a cremation?
Don’t forget to be a good boy
Beef
This is the closest I’ve ever been to a peregrine falcon
‘You forget where you put things, don’t you?’
One in five people is ‘highly sensitive’. Are you?
You’re never far from your local Jewson
I really appreciate you keeping me in the loop, mate
I’m a boring professor with a husband and three lovers
English Breakfast 3-5m
We don’t mind
Sun’s out, son’s out
Slide
The Smile
The football boot
Spring by Jack Underwood
It’s simple enough
The Gongoozlers
I like watching kids cry in football stadiums
I think my favourite thing
Is your truck ready to retire?
Editor’s Pick
A guide to warm days
Back on the horse
There are no toilets in Corby train station
HAPPY 70TH BIRTHDAY
Cat
Nuance
Goal
023 – available if unoccupied
How much do you know about AI?
Pig
The overhead projector monitor
Unused toilet rolls
Away
One night
SUBJECT LINE: How does your future look, Carl?
Your smile is our reputation
Useless is
The consequences of feeling sexy
Corner
On the inside
A banana skin
Welcome to weather
Near a milkman
Where to?
Empty jars
E-Cyclist
I saw you running the other day
1039
Dogs in the chicken shop
Watch your eyes
Another world
What can I see?
If you need me
Chimply
Full of smiles
Holding
A quick note
Cromer Gift Shop: Everything you could ask for
Rainbow Butterfly Unicorn Kitty
Those retro Coca Cola glasses
Both sides of the road
Come on, little chickens
Captain America is in the chip shop
He was unsuccessful and then he died by John Osborne
Friends of mine are becoming Heads
The next time I fall over
She had an egg and a hash brown every day
Settling in
What do you regret in life, Carl?
If in doubt, get out
No coffee, no tea
Cover
The face
I completed the cereal box word search this morning
Loads
End of the day
See you soon?
A few days not alone
The cafe has a sign for doner kebab paninis
In the blink of an eye
Subway
A Twister and a briefcase
Long weekend
Perfect position
Night
One job
Do you want cinnamon, Natalie?!
Where do all the fucking socks go?
Chaos
4pm chip shop chips
You’re staring at each other
An Interesting Fact About One Of My Relatives by Ian McMillan
Chat up
Class
Intermittent hard shoulder
Just in case?
Are you a breakfast tea?
We swapped eyes today
I think about the note you didn’t leave
Who do you know?
This is a staff announcement, can Tina come to customer service
Crossword by the window
Watching a baboon tearing off a windscreen wiper
A complete stranger
Habit
They’re discussing exercise routines
The balloon baby
Do you have any missing teeth?
Silly Les
Swept up
Fireman Sam looks knackered
Mates
Ups and downs
Remember the face enjoys trains
Your eyes are diabolical blue
OK Diner
On and on
All it takes
Please be kind to the Septic Tank
Still
You are kissing the door of your baby gate
They’re in love
1,000 things that go
A bloke is leaning on the bar
Are you ready?
Say hello, if you like
Stockport isn’t shit
I’m drinking tea alone
What do you think is happening?
Landing on a new planet
Open can
Sticks
Another one
We just saw a bin man throw a crisp wrapper out the window of his lorry
I see regulars, walking around like regular people
Nickname
Rumble
It’s hard not to think
Moments
The men in the fire engine
We catch up in the evenings
Unlikely event
Tarmac
The guilt sticks
The beard he’s never seen
The twins
Old man’s old man
There is bird poo on the Porsche
Life-size pop-up book
Old uniform
Live animals in transit
Fictional breath
The Man City academy boys are walking down the road
I could watch you watching trains until I no longer have eyes
Holding it together
Bin men will wave
You are eating Weetabix
My forehead skin is covered in worry lines
Nothing really changes
SNAP SNAP SNAP
Wink
He has eggs
Death Dream by Scott Hutchison
Today you will decide
Come again
Fish don’t get scared by rock and roll
Days adding up
Sometimes it’s a game of darts that does it
Olympic Fish Bar
Doing your thing
A pack of chicken Kievs sitting on the Wispa bars
They’re taking the Christmas tree down in the service station
The skin peels off
A remote control monster truck in the middle of the road
Go on, mate
Services
He’s fine
A quick tea
Cover
In the wardrobe door
I guess we are
Supermarket Santa on his lunch break
Professional wrestlers learn how to fall on their back safely
The medusa stage of the jellyfish
The alien rearranges the animals
Heads
No one
Famous Billys by Daniel Cockrill
Netflix has a TV show called Fireplace For Your Home
I ask for a large chips, please
Nice hat, mate
Some people just can
Julius Pringles’ bow tie has changed
The work lot are filing in
A couple judged in two seconds
I guess you’ll be in an art lesson one day
Getting clearer
To me you are cool
Hairdressers don’t cut their own hair
H from Steps said it’s OK if your house is in a state
A mess
In line
Object Permanence by Laurie Ogden
Spaghetti jazz
Flying with no T-shirt
Alien invasion
Someone, somewhere, is saying “It’s five o’clock somewhere”
The Frozen Aisle by John Osborne
The importance of remembering mud
Don’t spike the lens
Cheers, Tim. Cheers, Simon.
It’s coming
Jimmy White met Thin Lizzy
He stops us on the street
Chimps in trousers
Sophie Ellis-Bextor does the school run in an electric Tuk Tuk
2001
A vacuum cleaner with a skull
A nappy in a KFC bag
The hug
Coated almonds
Receipt
Magic
The moon is a tasty Granddad
The humans lost their words
It’s not a service station it’s a Gloucester farm shop
The beep of the green man
The view
It is Wednesday
Men
Concentrate
I’m actually quite enjoying our walk in the rain
Here we go
A day in May
Nobody waved today
We got dressed up
The bloke
Gravy
Balancing by John Osborne
Little chef
Erin Brockovich won’t stop
Cheers
Dennis Bergkamp was our hamster
Action
The rough days
Congratulations by Erin Bolens
Puddle ducks
Check in
I’m no good at DIY
Glasses, Green Shirt and Shoes
Full time
Cargo
Small talk in the park
Live music
WMHD
Learning
Sleeping in a church
The groundsman
We’re sat in the coffee shop window
Directions
Just over there
Having lunch where Patrice Evra used to buy his baguettes
Morning!
Give it a minute
Pizza La Vita
Your eyes watching Match of the Day repeats
We don’t need conkers
A shit flower next to a shit chip shop
One down
The conker didn’t fall on you today
Buzz Lightyear lives above the podiatrist
I asked the lift repair man how his day was going
Free personal trainer
Waving the ornaments
Sitting beside the pool with the other Dad while our wives are learning how to keep our sons alive in deep water
Dipstick
You never know
That is a flatbed truck filled with red bricks
Gregg Wallace won’t stop saying ‘Fish cookery’
Hi, I’m Jess from Ninja
High-fiving a mirror
This is Bridge MCH/3
2.35pm free pudding
How are you not scared?
So, what do you do?
Rest
Two flies spinning around the room
Words With Friends
Frog Wardens
Food festival near where I live now
There is a heart
Yellow
I spent the afternoon as Christian Bale
Break
Seventeen years
Are you Harry Kane?
My Grandma left my uncle in the butchers
You are Barry from EastEnders
I have one of those faces, apparently
Pep Guardiola announces he is leaving Man City in 2023
< – – – Pigeon supply shop
Gifts by Lewis Buxton
The employees at the funeral company near me have the nicest cars
Weekday smilers
I can see John Cena’s bald patch
A brief moment
Bath time
I like to think about George Clooney with a stone in his shoe
I am one of the top currency trader coaches in the world today
Go Shopping by John Osborne
Question
A man is whisking eggs on television
You’re probably a dinosaur
The room
Watching Zac Efron eat a carb
Today I saw