Category Archives: Christmas Creatures

The other day I was rifling through my parents’ loft. Amongst the boxes of school work, Disney VHS tapes and tiny human clothes, I found a dusty old book. It had a rich, red leather cover and was as thick as a baby’s arm. Embossed in gold letters were the words: THE COMPLETE ENCYCLOPEDIA OF CHRISTMAS CREATURES by NIKLAUS VON STUFFINGBALL.

I showed my parents. They said they’d never seen it before and let me keep it. On the train home I flicked through the beautiful thing. Each page had a lovely description of creatures I’d never heard, that creep out only at Christmas time. Some of them are so magical I’ve decided to share one a day throughout December.

Unfortunately, according to the book’s introduction, when he wrote it in 1849 Niklaus Von Stuffingball couldn’t afford to pay an illustrator to draw the Christmas Creatures. So if any artists want to give it a go, just upload them in the comments. Whether you want to draw one or draw them all, you can draw them when you like – just flex those festive fingers.

Happy New Yearwig

Posted on December 31, 2016 by carltellstales

An upbeat and optimistic little blighter, the Happy New Yearwig is a bubbly burst of excitement. With its glass half full this Christmas Creature scuttles around daydreaming about all the adventures and challenges it wants to get up to.

Sadly, it has a very short lifespan and dies after 24 hours of a banging headache and dodgy guts.

#ChristmasCreatures

(Illustration by Nicole Smeltzer)

Decembear

Posted on December 30, 2016 by carltellstales

What a tired old bugger. With big bags under its eyes and creaky bones, this gigantic white furry Christmas Creature is born exhausted.

By the end of a rather long month, the Decembear curls up, licks its wounds and shakes at the prospect of doing it all again.

#ChristmasCreatures

(Illustration by Nicole Smeltzer)

Good King Wenceslassie

Posted on December 29, 2016 by carltellstales

You know when you meet someone you know you should like, but for some reason you just don’t? Well, that’s exactly how all Christmas Creatures feel when they meet the Good King Wenceslassie.

Maybe it’s the hound’s beautiful fur. Or its love of helping those less fortunate. Or the fact it never stops bloody singing. Whatever it is, this mutt gets proper slagged off behind its back.

#ChristmasCreatures

(Illustration by Nicole Smeltzer)

Feliz Navidaddy Long Legs

Posted on December 28, 2016 by carltellstales

This red and yellow creepy crawly spends all its time lurking in dark corners, chewing on turkey stuffed with truffles and screaming.

Speaking a language unknown to all other Christmas Creatures, the Feliz Navidaddy Long Legs’ intentions remain a mystery.

#ChristmasCreatures

(Illustration by Nicole Smeltzer)

Sleighdy Bird

Posted on December 27, 2016 by carltellstales

The most patient of Christmas Creatures, the snowflake-spotted Sleighdy Bird waits perfectly still for a downpour of the white stuff in order to really come into its own.

Found only in boiling hot deserts, it’s safe to say it is perennially disappointed.

#ChristmasCreatures

(Illustration by Nicole Smeltzer)

Mince Piethon

Posted on December 26, 2016 by carltellstales

A crusty old codger, the Mince Piethon sheds its skin in the most crumbly of fashions. Combine this with its rather pungent and lingering scent; this is easily the least subtle predator on Earth.

Found in every nook and cranny for a whole month, the Mince Piethon’s death on 31st December is often a welcome sight for many.

#ChristmasCreatures

(Illustration by Nicole Smeltzer)

Prawn Cocksnail

Posted on December 25, 2016 by carltellstales

Ask around, more often than not the mention of a Prawn Cocksnail will be greeted with a cheeky smile and a glint in the eye.

With its pleasingly pink shell, lettuce-green body and tasty tangy trail, it’s a Christmas Creature that always conjures up excitement. But much like a warm-up act at a comedy show the Prawn Cocksnail soon gets forgotten when a cooler, much bigger Christmas Creature enters the room.

#ChristmasCreatures

(Illustration by Nicole Smeltzer)

Cranberry Sauceage Dog

Posted on December 24, 2016 by carltellstales

A mushy little mutt, the Cranberry Sauceage Dog spends most of its life hunting for people’s attention.

Standing at half an inch tall, it’s perfected the art of a tuneful bark and a beautifully big bounce resulting in the warm embrace from folk who forgot it existed.

#ChristmasCreatures

(Illustration by Darrell Swainston)

(Illustration by Nicole Smeltzer)

Christmas Caardvark

Posted on December 23, 2016 by carltellstales

Possibly the most pointless of Christmas Creatures.

A thin little thing, the Christmas Caardvark is neither hated nor loved. It merely exists because no-one has been bothered to suggest we do away with it all together.

Expect this waste of space to be extinct within a matter of years.

#ChristmasCreatures

(Illustration by Nicole Smeltzer)

Chocolate Hog

Posted on December 22, 2016 by carltellstales

The kind-hearted amongst you would probably look at the Chocolate Hog and feel sorry for it. With a perfectly cylindrical torso, no tail and zero legs, it’s easy to pity this Christmas Creature.

But there’s no need. The Chocolate Hog is thrilled to be alive. A lack of limbs allows it to do the one thing it enjoys the most – rolling down hills. And with the sweetest of sweet-tooths, this cocoa-skinned so-and-so gorges on its flesh until it meets the tastiest of deaths.

#ChristmasCreatures

(Illustration by Nicole Smeltzer)