Bantz

“Can I buy you a beer?”

“I don’t know, can you?!”

“Well, yes. Would you like one?”

“I don’t know if I’ll like it, I’ve not tasted it yet!”

“Right. I’m going to buy myself a beer. Shall I get you one?”

“Nah, I don’t drink.”

“Prick…”

© Carl Burkitt 2018

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Timing

“What time is it?”

“Two hairs past a freckle.”

“What?”

“Two hairs past a freckle.”

“…?”

“I’m not wearing a watch, you see.”

“Right…”

“So I looked at my wrist, where a watch would be, and saw a couple of hairs net to a freckle… so I said ‘two hairs past a freckle’. You know?”

“Oh right.”

“Yeah.”

“…So can you check your phone, or something?”

“Sure… it’s 2:30.”

“Thanks.”

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Wrong side of the bed

Jed woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Underneath, to be precise. He was surrounded by dust, crusty socks and the monsters he’d banished many years ago. They looked beautiful, less frightening. He invited them to join him on top of the bed, but they shook their heads. Their eyes suggested they were scared of him. Jed returned to the right side of his bed with a renewed sense of self-confidence and a plan of action for the year ahead.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Unreal deals!

UNREAL DEALS! the email’s subject line read.

God, Jerry thought. Marketing’s gross. Bet they’re not even any good.

He opened the email and ran his eyes down the offers.

BUY ONE T-SHIRT AND GET A LIVE-IN UNICORN FOR FREE!

£10,000,000 FOR NEW CUSTOMERS, JUST BECAUSE WE CAN!

BUY TODAY AND GET A TWO-YEAR, ALL-EXPENSES PAID HOLIDAY!

USE OFFER CODE ‘LOVELY’ AND GET A DEAD RELATIVE OF YOUR CHOOSING BROUGHT BACK TO LIFE!

Hmm not bad, Jerry thought.

© Carl Burkitt 2017

Comparing apples to oranges

Ethan grabbed an apple and an orange
and decided to finally compare the two.

He looked at the apple. Round.

He looked at the orange. Round.

He stroked the apple. Skin.

He stroked the orange. Skin.

He smelt the apple. Sweet.

He smelt the orange. Sweet.

He crushed the apple. Mummy.

He crushed the orange. Daddy.

© Carl Burkitt 2017

Larry the butcher

Larry the butcher fancied a career change. The early mornings were beginning to get a little more difficult and his heart just wasn’t in it like it once was. You know how people who work in chocolate factories say being around chocolate all day puts you off the stuff? Larry totally knew what they meant. Spending all day hanging up corpses and chopping up flesh just made his evening hobby a little less enjoyable.

© Carl Burkitt 2017

Egg

Jimmy found an egg.

It was poking out of the baby bush that had recently started growing in his front garden.

He picked it up and took it inside. He placed it on the kitchen counter and stared at it. How did it get here? Why did it get here? He was fascinated by it.

It was just your classic hen’s egg – a few inches tall, a couple of inches wide, a pinky beige colour, etc – but for some reason Jimmy loved it. He wanted to take care of it. He wanted to nurture it.

His wife told him to stop being stupid.

‘It’s just an egg,’ she said. ‘It’s clearly just fallen out of our shopping. Look, here’s the pack of 12 eggs we literally just bought. There’s one missing. Now put it back and help me put the rest of the stuff away.’

Jimmy picked up the egg, walked into the living room and told his wife to ‘fuck off’.

He sat himself on the floor, removed his socks and laid them down to make a little nest. Jimmy placed the egg on top and gently cupped his hands over it.

‘Come on, Jim’ his wife snapped from the kitchen. ‘I need you to help!’

Jimmy stayed motionless, silently smiling at his hands.

She poked her head through the doorway. ‘Jim-‘

‘Sshhh,’ he replied. ‘I’m trying to look after this poor thing.’

‘Are you serious?’

‘Sshhh.’

Jimmy’s daughter wandered in to the room. ‘What’s that, Daddy?’ she asked.

‘Sshhh.’

‘That’s it,’ said Jimmy’s wife. ‘Come on dear, say goodbye to Daddy. We’re going to Grandma’s!’

As the door slammed, Jimmy’s shoulders relaxed.

After 12 weeks the egg still hadn’t hatched, but his life certainly felt quieter. Easier. Less full.

© Carl Burkitt 2017