1. Ta Ta For Now, Tartare For Later
2. You Say Goodbye, I Say Goodbye
3. Kat Slater
4. B-Adios
5. Bore-Revoir
6. Uncheerio
7. Grave Wave
8. Seizure Later
9. Drowning Not Waving
10. Blubeye
11. Sigh-Onara
12. All The Best (People Leave Me)
13. Piss Auf Wiedersehen
© Carl Burkitt 2020
1. Fingernail On The Head
2. Saw Arse
3. Pros and Concrete
4. Hammer Hands
5. Cheap Drills
6. Knob The Builder
7. Does What It Says On The Tinny
8. Deep Screwdriver
9. NUTS And Bolts
10. Bristle While We Work
11. Brick Head
12. DIY Always Me?
13. Wallpaper Over The Cracks
© Carl Burkitt 2020
1. I Do What I Want
2. I Don’t Know What I Want
3. Singing In The Shower (For An Hour)
4. Breakfast Tea For One
5. Naked Sunday (Roast)
6. Endless (Pitted) Dates
7. Sleepin’ Ain’t Easy
8. Leftovers And Overs And Overs
9. Beware Of The Bog
10. Snogging Snowmen
11. PLEASE Leave A Message After The Tone
12. Me, Myself And I Are Miserable
13. Can Someone Get The Door? Thought Not
© Carl Burkitt 2020
1. I Beg Your Pardon?
2. Ode To A Nostril Hair
3. Re(ally)tired
4. Roses Are Red, Pubic Hairs Are Grey
5. Bus Pass-Hole
6. Werther’s OG
7. Sun’s Out Gums Out
8. Creaky Knee Crikey Me
9. A Thousand Wrinkles In Time
10. OH-NO-AP
11. Fewer Gifts Shorter Christmas Card List
12. Cheap Cinema Trip (And Fall)
13. Don’t Laugh TOO Hard
© Carl Burkitt 2020
1. Writer’s Block
2. Slighter Flock
3. Tighter Lock
4. Triter Hock
5. Fighter’s Sock
6. Whiter Frock
7. Biter Jock
8. Brighter Dock
9. Lighter Cock
10. Light On, Knock
11. Brighton Rock
12. Enlightened Doc
13. En Bleurgh Blah Plock
© Carl Burkitt 2020
1. Magazines Are Rubbish
2. Staring At The Floor
3. How Much Longer?
4. Who Reads Magazines About Cod?
5. Skimming Leaflets
6. 35 Minutes?!
7. May As Well Read A Bit
8. Ha, Good Headline
9. I Was Here Before That Guy!
10. Who Knew Cod Were So Wise?
11. What A Catch!
12. “The Doctor Will See You Now”
13. FUCK OFF I LOVE COD
© Carl Burkitt 2020
1. Loafer Chauffeur
2. Snake-Skin Skin
3. Zero Waistcoat
4. Knee-High Booties
5. Waterproof Pants
6. Felt Belt
7. Stuffing Bra
8. Sex Gloves
9. Leather Jacket Potato
10. Blue Suede Toothpick
11. Pyjama Top Hat
12. Battered Codpiece
13. Salad Dress
© Carl Burkitt 2020
1. Get A New Job Every Day
2. Learn To Play Guitar With Your Ears
3. Run 500 Million Miles
4. Eat More Fruit Flavoured Chocolate
5. Write A Novel An Hour
6. Learn A New Language To Swear In
7. Get A Mortgage To Buy A Birdhouse
8. Get New Eyes
9. Get A New Face
10. Get A New Head
11. Get New Bones
12. Replace All Your Skin
13. Eat Vegetables Via The Arse
© Carl Burkitt 2019
1. Jingle Hells
2. Boarbles
3. Crapping Paper
4. No No No
5. Candy Caned
6. Fir The Love Of God
7. Nuts In Your Stockings
8. White Noise Christmas
9. Midnight Ass
10. Mince Lies
11. Rude Olph
12. Chestnut You
13. Old Saint, Nicked
© Carl Burkitt 2019
1. I’d Never Ask You To Invite Them…
2. Chicken Chicken Salmon Or Chicken
3. How much For Bubbles?
4. They’d Invite You…
5. YOU’RE Havin’ A Bubble
6. Dance Bore
7. You invited Them?
8. No Thanks, Aisle Pass
9. They’ll Be Getting A Bloody Outvite
10. Choir Eye For The Straight Guy
11. Balkage At The Corkage
12. Fine!
13. Sister’s Friend’s Cousin’s Nan’s Boyfriend’s Dog Walker (On The Top Table)…
© Carl Burkitt 2019
Carl tells tales 