Germany vs Argentina (Final)

Cornwall. 13th July 2014. 19.45pm – 15 minutes before kick off.

Hazel, 94, is sat on the sofa, waiting for the World Cup 2014 Final to start. She checks her watch, wondering where Barbara, 96, is.

HAZEL: Hmm. I really hope she doesn’t turn up late for this. She’s been a bloody nightmare all tournament.

Hazel looks at the stairs.

HAZEL: Barbara?

Hazel is met with silence.

HAZEL: Barbara! The Final is on very soon, hurry up.

Hazel is met with silence.

HAZEL: Barbara? Come on…

Hazel is met with silence.


Hazel is met with silence.


Barbara enters the room from the kitchen, her face beaming with pride at the £40.00, 300g, Argentinean Bife de lomo (beef tenderloin) that she had lovingly cooked to absolute perfection before placing it on the plate, now sitting in her hands, beside homemade sweet potato fries and salad leaves grown in Hazel’s allotment. 

Barbara places the dish in front of Hazel.

HAZEL: Wha-?

Barbara smiles at her best friend.

BARBARA: For the past 32 days, I have been nothing but a pest to you-

HAZEL: Yeah but-

BARBARA: No buts. I’ve pranked you. I’ve bullied you. I’ve hurt you. And today I want to make it up to you.

Hazel looks at the plate.

HAZEL: Yeah, but this is-

BARBARA: The exact meal that you slaved over before the Argentina vs Bosnia-Herzegovina game in week one.


BARBARA: You accidentally dropped it and I was a bitch about it.

HAZEL: Yeah, but-

BARBARA: Hazel, please. I just want to tell you, I’m sorry.

HAZEL: Thank you.

Barbara looks at Hazel.

BARBARA: You’re my best friend.

Hazel smiles.

BARBARA: I love you.

HAZEL: Oh, Barbara.

Hazel stands to embrace her friend.

Barbara clutches her chest and falls to the ground, crashing through the coffee table.

HAZEL: Barbara?

Barbara’s limp body lies still, her eyes rolled back.

HAZEL: Barbara?!

Hazel gets down on her knees and cradles Barbara’s head.

HAZEL: Wake up, Barbara.

Hazel kisses Barbara’s head. 

HAZEL: Please, Barbara.

A tear trickles down Hazel’s face.

HAZEL: I love you, too.

Hazel gently rests Barbara’s head on the ground. She walks towards the hallway to call 999, as Barbara flicks her the Vs and quietly starts chewing on the steak.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Netherlands vs Argentina (Semi final)

Cornwall. 9th July 2014. 21.25pm – 25 minutes after kick off.

Hazel, 94, and Barbara, 96, are sat on the sofa watching the game.

BARBARA: Netherlands…


BARBARA: Fetherlands…


BARBARA: Argentina…


BARBARA: Bargentina…




BARBARA: Do you ever think we’ve run out of original, interesting things to say to each other?

HAZEL: I think we ran out of original, interesting things to say to say to each other several games ago…



© Carl Burkitt 2014

Brazil vs Germany (Semi final)

Cornwall. 8th July 2014. 20.59pm – 1 minute before kick off.

Hazel, 94, and Barbara, 96, are sat on the sofa waiting for the game.

BARBARA: Who’s playing?

HAZEL: Germany-

Barbara punches Hazel’s knee.


BARBARA: Who are they playing?

HAZEL: Why did you do that?

BARBARA: Who are they playing?

Hazel rubs her knee.


Barbara punches Hazel’s boobs.

HAZEL: OOWWWW! Why are you-

BARBARA: Ssssh! Game’s gonna start.

HAZEL: You know what, Barbara? Sometimes you can be a real c-

Barbara punches Hazel’s Cliff Richard calendar.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Argentina vs Belgium (Quarter final)

Cornwall. 5th July 2014. 17.45pm – Half time.

Hazel, 94, is sat on the sofa waiting the game alone. She hears the toilet flush and Barbara, 96, walks down the stairs and enters the room wearing a Belgium shirt.

Hazel looks at Barbara’s face and then her hands.

HAZEL: Jesus! Why are you so covered in chocolate?


Barbara coughs.

BARBARA: …Chocolate…

Hazel looks at the ground.

HAZEL: Christ.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Brazil vs Colombia (Quarter final)

Cornwall. 4th July 2014. 20.35pm – 25 minutes before kick off.

Barbara, 96, and Hazel, 94, are sat on the sofa.

Barbara laughs reading the hook of the BBC Sport preview of the Brazil vs Colombia game.

BARBARA: “Brazil star Neymar will be fit despite suffering blows to his thigh and knee against Chile.”

HAZEL: Right.

BARBARA: Players are just so wet these days.

HAZEL: Thighs and knees are pretty vulnerable, Barbara.

BARBARA: To a gust of wind?!


BARBARA: “Despite suffering blows to his thigh and knee.”

HAZEL: No, it means-

BARBARA: I mean seriously! A little blow of air! Such wetties.

Hazel gently blows on the back of Barbara’s neck.

BARBARA: Jesus! There a draft in here?

Hazel smiles and blows really hard.


Barbara falls off the sofa, her shoulder popping out of its socket.

© Carl Burkitt 2014