Cornwall. 13th July 2014. 19.45pm – 15 minutes before kick off.

Hazel, 94, is sat on the sofa, waiting for the World Cup 2014 Final to start. She checks her watch, wondering where Barbara, 96, is.

HAZEL: Hmm. I really hope she doesn’t turn up late for this. She’s been a bloody nightmare all tournament.

Hazel looks at the stairs.

HAZEL: Barbara?

Hazel is met with silence.

HAZEL: Barbara! The Final is on very soon, hurry up.

Hazel is met with silence.

HAZEL: Barbara? Come on…

Hazel is met with silence.

HAZEL: BARBARA, HURRY THE CHRIST UP! YOU WILL NOT RUIN THIS BLOODY GAME FOR ME.

Hazel is met with silence.

HAZEL: SCREW YOU, BARBARA-

Barbara enters the room from the kitchen, her face beaming with pride at the £40.00, 300g, Argentinean Bife de lomo (beef tenderloin) that she had lovingly cooked to absolute perfection before placing it on the plate, now sitting in her hands, beside homemade sweet potato fries and salad leaves grown in Hazel’s allotment. 

Barbara places the dish in front of Hazel.

HAZEL: Wha-?

Barbara smiles at her best friend.

BARBARA: For the past 32 days, I have been nothing but a pest to you-

HAZEL: Yeah but-

BARBARA: No buts. I’ve pranked you. I’ve bullied you. I’ve hurt you. And today I want to make it up to you.

Hazel looks at the plate.

HAZEL: Yeah, but this is-

BARBARA: The exact meal that you slaved over before the Argentina vs Bosnia-Herzegovina game in week one.

HAZEL: I-

BARBARA: You accidentally dropped it and I was a bitch about it.

HAZEL: Yeah, but-

BARBARA: Hazel, please. I just want to tell you, I’m sorry.

HAZEL: Thank you.

Barbara looks at Hazel.

BARBARA: You’re my best friend.

Hazel smiles.

BARBARA: I love you.

HAZEL: Oh, Barbara.

Hazel stands to embrace her friend.

Barbara clutches her chest and falls to the ground, crashing through the coffee table.

HAZEL: Barbara?

Barbara’s limp body lies still, her eyes rolled back.

HAZEL: Barbara?!

Hazel gets down on her knees and cradles Barbara’s head.

HAZEL: Wake up, Barbara.

Hazel kisses Barbara’s head. 

HAZEL: Please, Barbara.

A tear trickles down Hazel’s face.

HAZEL: I love you, too.

Hazel gently rests Barbara’s head on the ground. She walks towards the hallway to call 999, as Barbara flicks her the Vs and quietly starts chewing on the steak.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 12th July 2014. 20.45pm – 15 minutes before kick off.

Hazel, 94, is sat waiting for the Brazil vs Netherlands game to start.

Barbara, 96, walks down the stairs wearing lederhosen, holding 99 red balloons.

HAZEL: Tomorr-

BARBARA: Yep.

Barbara walks back up stairs.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 9th July 2014. 21.25pm – 25 minutes after kick off.

Hazel, 94, and Barbara, 96, are sat on the sofa watching the game.

BARBARA: Netherlands…

HAZEL: …

BARBARA: Fetherlands…

HAZEL: …

BARBARA: Argentina…

HAZEL: …

BARBARA: Bargentina…

HAZEL: …

BARBARA: Hazel?

HAZEL: Mm?

BARBARA: Do you ever think we’ve run out of original, interesting things to say to each other?

HAZEL: I think we ran out of original, interesting things to say to say to each other several games ago…

BARBARA: Mm…

HAZEL: Mm…

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 8th July 2014. 20.59pm – 1 minute before kick off.

Hazel, 94, and Barbara, 96, are sat on the sofa waiting for the game.

BARBARA: Who’s playing?

HAZEL: Germany-

Barbara punches Hazel’s knee.

HAZEL: OWW!

BARBARA: Who are they playing?

HAZEL: Why did you do that?

BARBARA: Who are they playing?

Hazel rubs her knee.

HAZEL: Bra-

Barbara punches Hazel’s boobs.

HAZEL: OOWWWW! Why are you-

BARBARA: Ssssh! Game’s gonna start.

HAZEL: You know what, Barbara? Sometimes you can be a real c-

Barbara punches Hazel’s Cliff Richard calendar.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 5th July 2014. 21.20pm – 20 minutes after kick off.

Hazel, 94, is sat on the sofa watching the Netherlands vs Costa Rica game with Barbara, 96.

HAZEL: Game’s a bit flat.

BARBARA: Like Holland.

HAZEL: Good one.

BARBARA: Thanks.

HAZEL: I was joking.

BARBARA: Fuck you.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 5th July 2014. 17.45pm – Half time.

Hazel, 94, is sat on the sofa waiting the game alone. She hears the toilet flush and Barbara, 96, walks down the stairs and enters the room wearing a Belgium shirt.

Hazel looks at Barbara’s face and then her hands.

HAZEL: Jesus! Why are you so covered in chocolate?

BARBARA: Yes…

Barbara coughs.

BARBARA: …Chocolate…

Hazel looks at the ground.

HAZEL: Christ.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 4th July 2014. 20.35pm – 25 minutes before kick off.

Barbara, 96, and Hazel, 94, are sat on the sofa.

Barbara laughs reading the hook of the BBC Sport preview of the Brazil vs Colombia game.

BARBARA: “Brazil star Neymar will be fit despite suffering blows to his thigh and knee against Chile.”

HAZEL: Right.

BARBARA: Players are just so wet these days.

HAZEL: Thighs and knees are pretty vulnerable, Barbara.

BARBARA: To a gust of wind?!

HAZEL: Eh?

BARBARA: “Despite suffering blows to his thigh and knee.”

HAZEL: No, it means-

BARBARA: I mean seriously! A little blow of air! Such wetties.

Hazel gently blows on the back of Barbara’s neck.

BARBARA: Jesus! There a draft in here?

Hazel smiles and blows really hard.

BARBARA: SHIT!

Barbara falls off the sofa, her shoulder popping out of its socket.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 4th July 2014. 16.50pm – 10 minutes before kick off.

Barbara, 96, is sat on the sofa trying to guess the charade a stood up Hazel, 94, is acting out.

Hazel puts up four fingers.

BARBARA: Fourth word.

Hazel grabs her earlobe.

BARBARA: Sounds like.

Hazel points at Barbara’s A3 canvas print of Phil and Gary Neville.

BARBARA: Legends!

Hazel shakes her head.

BARBARA: Sounds like… Nevilles?

Hazel points to Gary, then to Phil.

BARBARA: Ah! Brothers!

Hazel nods.

BARBARA: The Lives of Brothers?

Hazel grabs her earlobe.

BARBARA: Brothers, smother, mother, others. Others.

Hazel smiles.

BARBARA: THE LIVES OF OTHERS!

HAZEL: YES!

Barbara and Hazel high-five as Hazel sits down.

BARBARA: Get in. Great film, that.

HAZEL: It is, isn’t it? Righto. Your turn.

BARBARA: Can’t we stop now?

HAZEL: Aww, don’t be like that.

BARBARA: I love games, but I’m tired, hungry, and ready for the France game.

HAZEL: And you always say I’m the grumpy, boring one…

BARBARA: Fine. Fine.

Barbara stands up.

Barbara puts four fingers up.

HAZEL: Four words.

Barbara nods.

HAZEL: Wait, what is it?

Barbara opens her mouth and mimics talking.

HAZEL: Not this again. We have always played film, TV show or book. You can’t go chucking in “famous phrase” whenever you feel like it.

Barbara frowns at Hazel.

BARBARA: If you want me to play…

HAZEL: OK, OK.

Barbara opens her mouth and mimics talking.

HAZEL: Yes, yes, famous phrase.

Barbara sticks up one finger.

HAZEL: First word.

Barbara pretends to pick something up.

HAZEL: Pick up.

Barbara shakes her head.

HAZEL: Baby… Grab… Hold…

Barbara walks to the other side of the room, pretends to pick something up and walks back.

HAZEL: Collect… Bring…

Barbara grabs her earlobe.

HAZEL: Sounds like…

Barbara points at a picture of Hazel’s mother on the mantel piece.

HAZEL: Bet! GET!

Barbara nods.

Barbra sticks up two fingers.

HAZEL: Second word.

Barbara looks around the room. She spots her purse and points at it.

HAZEL: Purse. Money.

Barbara points at the purse and then at herself.

HAZEL: Purse. Purse, you. Your purse. Empty!

Barbara frowns. She spots her slippers on the floor next to Hazel’s slippers.

Barbara points at her slippers.

HAZEL: Slippers.

Barbara points at the slippers and then at herself.

HAZEL: Your slippers.

Barbara points at Hazel’s slippers.

HAZEL: Mine.

Barbara points at Hazel’s slippers and at Hazel.

HAZEL: My slip-

Barbara nods at Hazel.

HAZEL: MY?!

Barbara nods.

HAZEL: Get my. Famous phrase. Get my.

Barbara lies on the floor on her back, her legs spread and in the air.

HAZEL: What the?

Barbara starts gyrating and thrusting.

HAZEL: Um… Sex. Filthy. Dirty. Shagging.

Barbara nods.

Barbara bites her bottom lip and moves pelvis faster.

HAZEL: Shagging? Boning. Humping…

Barbara gets on her knees and puts her right hand, face down, in front her groin.

She closes her eyes, tilts her head back and thrusts incredibly hard.

HAZEL: Doggy. Anal.

Barbara pretends to slap an imaginary bum.

HAZEL: Bumming. Porking.

Barbara thrusts even harder.

HAZEL: Fucking. FUCKING!

Barbara jumps to her feet and nods.

HAZEL: Get my fucking-

Barbara puts four fingers up.

HAZEL: Fourth word.

Barbara forms a triangle with her hands.

HAZEL: Triangle.

Barbara shakes her head.

HAZEL: Famous phrase?

Barbara nods and holds her hands in the triangle shape.

HAZEL: Triangle! Pyramid. Hands. Spear?!

Barbara shakes her head.

HAZEL: Vagina? Arrow?

Barbara points towards the kitchen and pretends to bite the triangle her hands are shaped as.

HAZEL: Kitchen? Bite? Pizza? CHEESE?

Barbara nods excitedly.

HAZEL: Cheese? Stilton. Cheddar.

Barbara stares at Hazel.

HAZEL: Edam? Brie? BRIE! GET MY FUCKING BRIE!

BARBARA: YES!

HAZEL! WEYHEEEY- Wait. What?

BARBARA: Hmm?

HAZEL: That’s not a phrase.

BARBARA: Get my fucking Brie.

HAZEL: Yeah.

BARBARA: Get my fucking Brie?

HAZEL: It’s not a phrase!

Barbara glares aggressively at Hazel.

BARBARA: Hazel.

HAZEL: (Coughs uncomfortably) Yes?

BARBARA: Get. My. Fucking. Brie.

Hazel stands up, intimidated, and heads to the kitchen.

Barbara sits down.

BARBARA: Did not think that would work.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 1st July 2014. 21.30pm – 30 minutes after kick off.

Hazel, 94, and Barbara, 96, are watching the Belgium vs USA game. It’s 30 minutes in, the score is 0-0.

HAZEL: Nil-nil, eh?

BARBARA: mmm…

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 1st July 2014. 17.00pm – Kick off.

Barbara, 96, and Hazel, 94, are sat watching the game.

HAZEL: If I was an inanimate object, what would I be?

BARBARA: Easy, Swiss Army Knife.

Hazel smiles.

HAZEL: Is that because I’m incredibly useful and everyone should have one?

BARBARA: Nah, I watched you getting changed last night and noticed your gross, full-body rash is back.

HAZEL: I-

BARBARA: Minging.

© Carl Burkitt 2014