Cornwall. 8th July 2014. 20.59pm – 1 minute before kick off.

Hazel, 94, and Barbara, 96, are sat on the sofa waiting for the game.

BARBARA: Who’s playing?

HAZEL: Germany-

Barbara punches Hazel’s knee.

HAZEL: OWW!

BARBARA: Who are they playing?

HAZEL: Why did you do that?

BARBARA: Who are they playing?

Hazel rubs her knee.

HAZEL: Bra-

Barbara punches Hazel’s boobs.

HAZEL: OOWWWW! Why are you-

BARBARA: Ssssh! Game’s gonna start.

HAZEL: You know what, Barbara? Sometimes you can be a real c-

Barbara punches Hazel’s Cliff Richard calendar.

© Carl Burkitt 2014