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Carl tells tales

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Category Archives: Newspaper Blackout Tales

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Angel

Posted on August 22, 2017 by carltellstales
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© Carl Burkitt 2017

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Passive

Posted on August 2, 2017 by carltellstales
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© Carl Burkitt 2017

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Obtain

Posted on July 30, 2017 by carltellstales
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© Carl Burkitt 2017

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Public hunt

Posted on July 25, 2017 by carltellstales
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© Carl Burkitt 2017

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Chief brain

Posted on July 24, 2017 by carltellstales
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© Carl Burkitt 2017

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Passionate

Posted on July 17, 2017 by carltellstales
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© Carl Burkitt 2017

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3D

Posted on July 16, 2017 by carltellstales
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© Carl Burkitt 2017

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Roger

Posted on July 13, 2017 by carltellstales
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© Carl Burkitt 2017

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Every evening

Posted on July 1, 2017 by carltellstales
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© Carl Burkitt 2017

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High fives

Posted on June 29, 2017 by carltellstales
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© Carl Burkitt 2017

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Stuff I done wrote

  • Day after day
  • She calls me Craig
  • Watching him
  • It’s 20 minutes before we’re supposed to be at a wedding and I’m pretending to water the flowers with a turned off hose
  • A Few Minutes In Barnardo’s
  • Picking a punnet of cherries outside a greengrocer’s at midnight
  • Jacqueline Wilson: Independent Funeral Service
  • A quick chat
  • Bang
  • Hard
  • I am a pink bean bag
  • Making connections
  • Have a lovely holiday if I don’t see you
  • Couple in the petrol station
  • Wake up
  • Cookies for the office
  • Hiya!
  • I’d like to couple up with this boy because
  • Into the park
  • Today
  • Don’t slap the papaya
  • You don’t know how fucking generous you are
  • Dave saw a lizard
  • Croissants in a hire car
  • I’ve got good eyes, a great pancreas and a terrible heart
  • If we can avoid needing a Carl, that would be great
  • People say
  • Ibuprofen and a Basil Plant
  • Soap
  • It won’t work
  • Your body is going to die your body is going to die your body is going to die
  • So I remember when we were driving, driving in your car
  • We’re usually just so stressed we buy fish and chips
  • Hot air
  • Lessons learned
  • Ash
  • I felt the sickness behind my eyes
  • Colin
  • Smallsteps and Sideways
  • Ronnie O’Sullivan is
  • Paul
  • This one’s for Ben
  • Jelly Babies on a cliffside
  • My favourite noise is the OOH! someone makes after stopping themselves from falling over on a wet rock
  • Rich
  • A puddle wearing waterproofs
  • Uniform
  • The sunshine works in a Gretna café
  • There’s a barbershop at Lymm Services
  • I clicked ‘yes’ when the ATM asked if I wanted an advice slip
  • Action
  • Wonky
  • Reliable
  • An art gallery made up of supermarket cereal shelves
  • Different Saturdays
  • An idea
  • Pedestrians have priority
  • I’m watching two old blokes
  • How is he in himself?
  • Cleaning an open window
  • Advertise your brand on this roundabout
  • We are broadcasting live from Ibiza
  • The beginning
  • Parallel
  • Flat
  • Hi, this is Victoria from One Life. Am I speaking to Carl? Oh, great. Tell me, when the time comes, will it be a burial or a cremation?
  • Don’t forget to be a good boy
  • Beef
  • This is the closest I’ve ever been to a peregrine falcon
  • ‘You forget where you put things, don’t you?’
  • One in five people is ‘highly sensitive’. Are you?
  • You’re never far from your local Jewson
  • I really appreciate you keeping me in the loop, mate
  • I’m a boring professor with a husband and three lovers
  • English Breakfast 3-5m
  • We don’t mind
  • Sun’s out, son’s out
  • Slide
  • The Smile
  • The football boot
  • Spring by Jack Underwood
  • It’s simple enough
  • The Gongoozlers
  • I like watching kids cry in football stadiums
  • I think my favourite thing
  • Is your truck ready to retire?
  • Editor’s Pick
  • A guide to warm days
  • Back on the horse
  • There are no toilets in Corby train station
  • HAPPY 70TH BIRTHDAY
  • Cat
  • Nuance
  • Goal
  • 023 – available if unoccupied
  • How much do you know about AI?
  • Pig
  • The overhead projector monitor
  • Unused toilet rolls
  • Away
  • One night
  • SUBJECT LINE: How does your future look, Carl?
  • Your smile is our reputation
  • Useless is
  • The consequences of feeling sexy
  • Corner
  • On the inside
  • A banana skin
  • Welcome to weather
  • Near a milkman
  • Where to?
  • Empty jars
  • E-Cyclist
  • I saw you running the other day
  • 1039
  • Dogs in the chicken shop
  • Watch your eyes
  • Another world
  • What can I see?
  • If you need me
  • Chimply
  • Full of smiles
  • Holding
  • A quick note
  • Cromer Gift Shop: Everything you could ask for
  • Rainbow Butterfly Unicorn Kitty
  • Those retro Coca Cola glasses
  • Both sides of the road
  • Come on, little chickens
  • Captain America is in the chip shop
  • He was unsuccessful and then he died by John Osborne
  • Friends of mine are becoming Heads
  • The next time I fall over
  • She had an egg and a hash brown every day
  • Settling in
  • What do you regret in life, Carl?
  • If in doubt, get out
  • No coffee, no tea
  • Cover
  • The face
  • I completed the cereal box word search this morning
  • Loads
  • End of the day
  • See you soon?
  • A few days not alone
  • The cafe has a sign for doner kebab paninis
  • In the blink of an eye
  • Subway
  • A Twister and a briefcase
  • Long weekend
  • Perfect position
  • Night
  • One job
  • Do you want cinnamon, Natalie?!
  • Where do all the fucking socks go?
  • Chaos
  • 4pm chip shop chips
  • You’re staring at each other
  • An Interesting Fact About One Of My Relatives by Ian McMillan
  • Chat up
  • Class
  • Intermittent hard shoulder
  • Just in case?
  • Are you a breakfast tea?
  • We swapped eyes today
  • I think about the note you didn’t leave
  • Who do you know?
  • This is a staff announcement, can Tina come to customer service
  • Crossword by the window
  • Watching a baboon tearing off a windscreen wiper
  • A complete stranger
  • Habit
  • They’re discussing exercise routines
  • The balloon baby
  • Do you have any missing teeth?
  • Silly Les
  • Swept up
  • Fireman Sam looks knackered
  • Mates
  • Ups and downs
  • Remember the face enjoys trains
  • Your eyes are diabolical blue
  • OK Diner
  • On and on
  • All it takes
  • Please be kind to the Septic Tank
  • Still
  • You are kissing the door of your baby gate
  • They’re in love
  • 1,000 things that go
  • A bloke is leaning on the bar
  • Are you ready?
  • Say hello, if you like
  • Stockport isn’t shit
  • I’m drinking tea alone
  • What do you think is happening?
  • Landing on a new planet
  • Open can
  • Sticks
  • Another one
  • We just saw a bin man throw a crisp wrapper out the window of his lorry
  • I see regulars, walking around like regular people
  • Nickname
  • Rumble
  • It’s hard not to think
  • Moments
  • The men in the fire engine
  • We catch up in the evenings
  • Unlikely event
  • Tarmac
  • The guilt sticks
  • The beard he’s never seen
  • The twins
  • Old man’s old man
  • There is bird poo on the Porsche
  • Life-size pop-up book
  • Old uniform
  • Live animals in transit
  • Fictional breath
  • The Man City academy boys are walking down the road
  • I could watch you watching trains until I no longer have eyes
  • Holding it together
  • Bin men will wave
  • You are eating Weetabix
  • My forehead skin is covered in worry lines
  • Nothing really changes
  • SNAP SNAP SNAP
  • Wink
  • He has eggs
  • Death Dream by Scott Hutchison
  • Today you will decide
  • Come again
  • Fish don’t get scared by rock and roll
  • Days adding up
  • Sometimes it’s a game of darts that does it
  • Olympic Fish Bar
  • Doing your thing
  • A pack of chicken Kievs sitting on the Wispa bars
  • They’re taking the Christmas tree down in the service station
  • The skin peels off
  • A remote control monster truck in the middle of the road
  • Go on, mate
  • Services
  • He’s fine
  • A quick tea
  • Cover
  • In the wardrobe door
  • I guess we are
  • Supermarket Santa on his lunch break
  • Professional wrestlers learn how to fall on their back safely
  • The medusa stage of the jellyfish
  • The alien rearranges the animals
  • Heads
  • No one
  • Famous Billys by Daniel Cockrill
  • Netflix has a TV show called Fireplace For Your Home
  • I ask for a large chips, please
  • Nice hat, mate
  • Some people just can
  • Julius Pringles’ bow tie has changed
  • The work lot are filing in
  • A couple judged in two seconds
  • I guess you’ll be in an art lesson one day
  • Getting clearer
  • To me you are cool
  • Hairdressers don’t cut their own hair
  • H from Steps said it’s OK if your house is in a state
  • A mess
  • In line
  • Object Permanence by Laurie Ogden
  • Spaghetti jazz
  • Flying with no T-shirt
  • Alien invasion
  • Someone, somewhere, is saying “It’s five o’clock somewhere”
  • The Frozen Aisle by John Osborne
  • The importance of remembering mud
  • Don’t spike the lens
  • Cheers, Tim. Cheers, Simon.
  • It’s coming
  • Jimmy White met Thin Lizzy
  • He stops us on the street
  • Chimps in trousers
  • Sophie Ellis-Bextor does the school run in an electric Tuk Tuk
  • 2001
  • A vacuum cleaner with a skull
  • A nappy in a KFC bag
  • The hug
  • Coated almonds
  • Receipt
  • Magic
  • The moon is a tasty Granddad
  • The humans lost their words
  • It’s not a service station it’s a Gloucester farm shop
  • The beep of the green man
  • The view
  • It is Wednesday
  • Men
  • Concentrate
  • I’m actually quite enjoying our walk in the rain
  • Here we go
  • A day in May
  • Nobody waved today
  • We got dressed up
  • The bloke
  • Gravy
  • Balancing by John Osborne
  • Little chef
  • Erin Brockovich won’t stop
  • Cheers
  • Dennis Bergkamp was our hamster
  • Action
  • The rough days
  • Congratulations by Erin Bolens
  • Puddle ducks
  • Check in
  • I’m no good at DIY
  • Glasses, Green Shirt and Shoes
  • Full time
  • Cargo
  • Small talk in the park
  • Live music
  • WMHD
  • Learning
  • Sleeping in a church
  • The groundsman
  • We’re sat in the coffee shop window
  • Directions
  • Just over there
  • Having lunch where Patrice Evra used to buy his baguettes
  • Morning!
  • Give it a minute
  • Pizza La Vita
  • Your eyes watching Match of the Day repeats
  • We don’t need conkers
  • A shit flower next to a shit chip shop
  • One down
  • The conker didn’t fall on you today
  • Buzz Lightyear lives above the podiatrist
  • I asked the lift repair man how his day was going
  • Free personal trainer
  • Waving the ornaments
  • Sitting beside the pool with the other Dad while our wives are learning how to keep our sons alive in deep water
  • Dipstick
  • You never know
  • That is a flatbed truck filled with red bricks
  • Gregg Wallace won’t stop saying ‘Fish cookery’
  • Hi, I’m Jess from Ninja
  • High-fiving a mirror
  • This is Bridge MCH/3
  • 2.35pm free pudding

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  • Stockport isn’t shit
  • I’m no good at DIY
  • A quick chat
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