France vs Germany (Quarter final)

Cornwall. 4th July 2014. 16.50pm – 10 minutes before kick off.

Barbara, 96, is sat on the sofa trying to guess the charade a stood up Hazel, 94, is acting out.

Hazel puts up four fingers.

BARBARA: Fourth word.

Hazel grabs her earlobe.

BARBARA: Sounds like.

Hazel points at Barbara’s A3 canvas print of Phil and Gary Neville.

BARBARA: Legends!

Hazel shakes her head.

BARBARA: Sounds like… Nevilles?

Hazel points to Gary, then to Phil.

BARBARA: Ah! Brothers!

Hazel nods.

BARBARA: The Lives of Brothers?

Hazel grabs her earlobe.

BARBARA: Brothers, smother, mother, others. Others.

Hazel smiles.



Barbara and Hazel high-five as Hazel sits down.

BARBARA: Get in. Great film, that.

HAZEL: It is, isn’t it? Righto. Your turn.

BARBARA: Can’t we stop now?

HAZEL: Aww, don’t be like that.

BARBARA: I love games, but I’m tired, hungry, and ready for the France game.

HAZEL: And you always say I’m the grumpy, boring one…

BARBARA: Fine. Fine.

Barbara stands up.

Hazel shuffles forward on her seat.

Barbara puts four fingers up.

HAZEL: Four words.

Barbara nods.

HAZEL: Wait, what is it?

Barbara opens her mouth and mimics talking.

HAZEL: Not this again. We have always played film, TV show or book. You can’t go chucking in “famous phrase” whenever you feel like it.

Barbara frowns at Hazel.

BARBARA: If you want me to play…


Barbara opens her mouth and mimics talking.

HAZEL: Yes, yes, famous phrase.

Barbara sticks up one finger.

HAZEL: First word.

Barbara pretends to pick something up.

HAZEL: Pick up.

Barbara shakes her head.

HAZEL: Baby… Grab… Hold…

Barbara walks to the other side of the room, pretends to pick something up and walks back.

HAZEL: Collect… Bring…

Barbara grabs her earlobe.

HAZEL: Sounds like…

Barbara points at a picture of Hazel’s mother on the mantel piece.


Barbara nods.

Barbra sticks up two fingers.

HAZEL: Second word.

Barbara looks around the room. She spots her purse and points at it.

HAZEL: Purse. Money.

Barbara points at the purse and then at herself.

HAZEL: Purse. Purse, you. Your purse. Empty!

Barbara frowns. She spots her slippers on the floor next to Hazel’s slippers.

Barbara points at her slippers.

HAZEL: Slippers.

Barbara points at the slippers and then at herself.

HAZEL: Your slippers.

Barbara points at Hazel’s slippers.

HAZEL: Mine.

Barbara points at Hazel’s slippers and at Hazel.

HAZEL: My slip-

Barbara nods at Hazel.


Barbara nods.

HAZEL: Get my. Famous phrase. Get my.

Barbara lies on the floor on her back, her legs spread and in the air.

HAZEL: What the?

Barbara starts gyrating and thrusting.

HAZEL: Um… Sex. Filthy. Dirty. Shagging.

Barbara nods.

Barbara bites her bottom lip and moves pelvis faster.

HAZEL: Shagging? Boning. Humping…

Barbara gets on her knees and puts her right hand, face down, in front her groin.

She closes her eyes, tilts her head back and thrusts incredibly hard.

HAZEL: Doggy. Anal.

Barbara pretends to slap an imaginary bum.

HAZEL: Bumming. Porking.

Barbara thrusts even harder.


Barbara jumps to her feet and nods.

HAZEL: Get my fucking-

Barbara puts four fingers up.

HAZEL: Fourth word.

Barbara forms a triangle with her hands.

HAZEL: Triangle.

Barbara shakes her head.

HAZEL: Famous phrase?

Barbara nods and holds her hands in the triangle shape.

HAZEL: Triangle! Pyramid. Hands. Spear?!

Barbara shakes her head.

HAZEL: Vagina? Arrow?

Barbara points towards the kitchen and pretends to bite the triangle her hands are shaped as.

HAZEL: Kitchen? Bite? Pizza? CHEESE?

Barbara nods excitedly.

HAZEL: Cheese? Stilton. Cheddar.

Barbara stares at Hazel.





HAZEL: That’s not a phrase.

BARBARA: Get my fucking Brie.

HAZEL: Yeah.

BARBARA: Get my fucking Brie?

HAZEL: It’s not a phrase!

Barbara glares aggressively at Hazel.


HAZEL: (Coughs uncomfortably) Yes?

BARBARA: Get. My. Fucking. Brie.

Hazel stands up, intimidated, and heads to the kitchen.

Barbara sits down.

BARBARA: Did not think that would work.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

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