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Carl tells tales

Carl tells tales

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Category Archives: 30 Second Tales

Tales written and told by me, illustrated by Darrell Swainston. Follow @30SecondTales on Instagram.

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Loch Ness

Posted on December 6, 2019 by carltellstales
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Dead Badger

Posted on November 21, 2019 by carltellstales
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Rich

Posted on November 14, 2019 by carltellstales
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Big Head

Posted on November 7, 2019 by carltellstales
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Sandwich

Posted on November 5, 2019 by carltellstales
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Going Vegan

Posted on November 1, 2019 by carltellstales
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Coconut

Posted on June 27, 2019 by carltellstales
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Shape

Posted on June 20, 2019 by carltellstales
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You Rang?

Posted on June 13, 2019 by carltellstales
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Camera

Posted on June 6, 2019 by carltellstales
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Stuff I done wrote

  • Goal
  • 023 – available if unoccupied
  • How much do you know about AI?
  • Pig
  • The overhead projector monitor
  • Unused toilet rolls
  • Away
  • One night
  • SUBJECT LINE: How does your future look, Carl?
  • Your smile is our reputation
  • Useless is
  • The consequences of feeling sexy
  • Corner
  • On the inside
  • A banana skin
  • Welcome to weather
  • Near a milkman
  • Where to?
  • Empty jars
  • E-Cyclist
  • I saw you running the other day
  • 1039
  • Dogs in the chicken shop
  • Watch your eyes
  • Another world
  • What can I see?
  • If you need me
  • Chimply
  • Full of smiles
  • Holding
  • A quick note
  • Cromer Gift Shop: Everything you could ask for
  • Rainbow Butterfly Unicorn Kitty
  • Those retro Coca Cola glasses
  • Both sides of the road
  • Come on, little chickens
  • Captain America is in the chip shop
  • He was unsuccessful and then he died by John Osborne
  • Friends of mine are becoming Heads
  • The next time I fall over
  • She had an egg and a hash brown every day
  • Settling in
  • What do you regret in life, Carl?
  • If in doubt, get out
  • No coffee, no tea
  • Cover
  • The face
  • I completed the cereal box word search this morning
  • Loads
  • End of the day
  • See you soon?
  • A few days not alone
  • The cafe has a sign for doner kebab paninis
  • In the blink of an eye
  • Subway
  • A Twister and a briefcase
  • Long weekend
  • Perfect position
  • Night
  • One job
  • Do you want cinnamon, Natalie?!
  • Where do all the fucking socks go?
  • Chaos
  • 4pm chip shop chips
  • You’re staring at each other
  • An Interesting Fact About One Of My Relatives by Ian McMillan
  • Chat up
  • Class
  • Intermittent hard shoulder
  • Just in case?
  • Are you a breakfast tea?
  • We swapped eyes today
  • I think about the note you didn’t leave
  • Who do you know?
  • This is a staff announcement, can Tina come to customer service
  • Crossword by the window
  • Watching a baboon tearing off a windscreen wiper
  • A complete stranger
  • Habit
  • They’re discussing exercise routines
  • The balloon baby
  • Do you have any missing teeth?
  • Silly Les
  • Swept up
  • Fireman Sam looks knackered
  • Mates
  • Ups and downs
  • Remember the face enjoys trains
  • Your eyes are diabolical blue
  • OK Diner
  • On and on
  • All it takes
  • Please be kind to the Septic Tank
  • Still
  • You are kissing the door of your baby gate
  • They’re in love
  • 1,000 things that go
  • A bloke is leaning on the bar
  • Are you ready?
  • Say hello, if you like
  • Stockport isn’t shit
  • I’m drinking tea alone
  • What do you think is happening?
  • Landing on a new planet
  • Open can
  • Sticks
  • Another one
  • We just saw a bin man throw a crisp wrapper out the window of his lorry
  • I see regulars, walking around like regular people
  • Nickname
  • Rumble
  • It’s hard not to think
  • Moments
  • The men in the fire engine
  • We catch up in the evenings
  • Unlikely event
  • Tarmac
  • The guilt sticks
  • The beard he’s never seen
  • The twins
  • Old man’s old man
  • There is bird poo on the Porsche
  • Life-size pop-up book
  • Old uniform
  • Live animals in transit
  • Fictional breath
  • The Man City academy boys are walking down the road
  • I could watch you watching trains until I no longer have eyes
  • Holding it together
  • Bin men will wave
  • You are eating Weetabix
  • My forehead skin is covered in worry lines
  • Nothing really changes
  • SNAP SNAP SNAP
  • Wink
  • He has eggs
  • Death Dream by Scott Hutchison
  • Today you will decide
  • Come again
  • Fish don’t get scared by rock and roll
  • Days adding up
  • Sometimes it’s a game of darts that does it
  • Olympic Fish Bar
  • Doing your thing
  • A pack of chicken Kievs sitting on the Wispa bars
  • They’re taking the Christmas tree down in the service station
  • The skin peels off
  • A remote control monster truck in the middle of the road
  • Go on, mate
  • Services
  • He’s fine
  • A quick tea
  • Cover
  • In the wardrobe door
  • I guess we are
  • Supermarket Santa on his lunch break
  • Professional wrestlers learn how to fall on their back safely
  • The medusa stage of the jellyfish
  • The alien rearranges the animals
  • Heads
  • No one
  • Famous Billys by Daniel Cockrill
  • Netflix has a TV show called Fireplace For Your Home
  • I ask for a large chips, please
  • Nice hat, mate
  • Some people just can
  • Julius Pringles’ bow tie has changed
  • The work lot are filing in
  • A couple judged in two seconds
  • I guess you’ll be in an art lesson one day
  • Getting clearer
  • To me you are cool
  • Hairdressers don’t cut their own hair
  • H from Steps said it’s OK if your house is in a state
  • A mess
  • In line
  • Object Permanence by Laurie Ogden
  • Spaghetti jazz
  • Flying with no T-shirt
  • Alien invasion
  • Someone, somewhere, is saying “It’s five o’clock somewhere”
  • The Frozen Aisle by John Osborne
  • The importance of remembering mud
  • Don’t spike the lens
  • Cheers, Tim. Cheers, Simon.
  • It’s coming
  • Jimmy White met Thin Lizzy
  • He stops us on the street
  • Chimps in trousers
  • Sophie Ellis-Bextor does the school run in an electric Tuk Tuk
  • 2001
  • A vacuum cleaner with a skull
  • A nappy in a KFC bag
  • The hug
  • Coated almonds
  • Receipt
  • Magic
  • The moon is a tasty Granddad
  • The humans lost their words
  • It’s not a service station it’s a Gloucester farm shop
  • The beep of the green man
  • The view
  • It is Wednesday
  • Men
  • Concentrate
  • I’m actually quite enjoying our walk in the rain
  • Here we go
  • A day in May
  • Nobody waved today
  • We got dressed up
  • The bloke
  • Gravy
  • Balancing by John Osborne
  • Little chef
  • Erin Brockovich won’t stop
  • Cheers
  • Dennis Bergkamp was our hamster
  • Action
  • The rough days
  • Congratulations by Erin Bolens
  • Puddle ducks
  • Check in
  • I’m no good at DIY
  • Glasses, Green Shirt and Shoes
  • Full time
  • Cargo
  • Small talk in the park
  • Live music
  • WMHD
  • Learning
  • Sleeping in a church
  • The groundsman
  • We’re sat in the coffee shop window
  • Directions
  • Just over there
  • Having lunch where Patrice Evra used to buy his baguettes
  • Morning!
  • Give it a minute
  • Pizza La Vita
  • Your eyes watching Match of the Day repeats
  • We don’t need conkers
  • A shit flower next to a shit chip shop
  • One down
  • The conker didn’t fall on you today
  • Buzz Lightyear lives above the podiatrist
  • I asked the lift repair man how his day was going
  • Free personal trainer
  • Waving the ornaments
  • Sitting beside the pool with the other Dad while our wives are learning how to keep our sons alive in deep water
  • Dipstick
  • You never know
  • That is a flatbed truck filled with red bricks
  • Gregg Wallace won’t stop saying ‘Fish cookery’
  • Hi, I’m Jess from Ninja
  • High-fiving a mirror
  • This is Bridge MCH/3
  • 2.35pm free pudding
  • How are you not scared?
  • So, what do you do?
  • Rest
  • Two flies spinning around the room
  • Words With Friends
  • Frog Wardens
  • Food festival near where I live now
  • There is a heart
  • Yellow
  • I spent the afternoon as Christian Bale
  • Break
  • Seventeen years
  • Are you Harry Kane?
  • My Grandma left my uncle in the butchers
  • You are Barry from EastEnders
  • I have one of those faces, apparently
  • Pep Guardiola announces he is leaving Man City in 2023
  • < – – – Pigeon supply shop
  • Gifts by Lewis Buxton
  • The employees at the funeral company near me have the nicest cars
  • Weekday smilers
  • I can see John Cena’s bald patch
  • A brief moment
  • Bath time
  • I like to think about George Clooney with a stone in his shoe
  • I am one of the top currency trader coaches in the world today
  • Go Shopping by John Osborne
  • Question
  • A man is whisking eggs on television
  • You’re probably a dinosaur
  • The room
  • Watching Zac Efron eat a carb
  • Today I saw
  • Have you ever done a fart you’ve not laughed at?
  • A heap of stuff
  • Preserving Carol Wilson
  • His hand isn’t up the horse’s arse, he’s just bending his arm
  • We are in the back of the car
  • Puppy button
  • Outside the window
  • It’s either a balloon or your head
  • There was a blue planet called Earth
  • A bouncy castle is basically life
  • Caution horses
  • Newest Cheshire potatoes – – – >
  • Dog Lane
  • Greetings
  • Some guy
  • Background
  • Cracks in a house suggest movement
  • I want to couple up with this girl because
  • I’ve had my cry
  • You just watched your first Olympic opening ceremony
  • Gogglebox
  • I am preparing for a meeting
  • Hands
  • What the hell do you think the sun is?
  • Keith Road
  • The things we hold
  • Do you remember Big Mo from EastEnders?
  • Do you have a poetry section?
  • Still
  • Torture
  • Guess who
  • Gareth Southgate lives down my street
  • Watching you trying to stand
  • You owe me a tenner
  • Get excited every now and then
  • Sea
  • It snowballed
  • Love Version Of by Richard Scott
  • Trip
  • It’s just a motorway lamppost
  • The cast of Friends are pigeons outside my flat
  • American Authors say this is gonna be the best day of my life
  • The length of time it takes to get a key cut is something I’ve never considered
  • Watching a confusing film and realising the TV’s off
  • Take the help
  • Gwyneth Paltrow’s daughter Dave Webster by John Osborne
  • Pink is not a good colour for a football shirt
  • In a loo in Crewe
  • We’ve done it!
  • Approximately a third of the way through your first year I’m on a stag do
  • I live with Scatman John
  • Huw Edwards’ eyebrows
  • The bathroom light switch is on a wall outside the bathroom
  • The Passing of Time by Mary Ruefle
  • We have
  • Best wishes, Keith Curle
  • Heinz sponsors the weather
  • Alan Shearer’s pen
  • This one’s for you
  • So maybe tomorrow

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