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Category Archives: 30 Second Tales

Tales written and told by me, illustrated by Darrell Swainston. Follow @30SecondTales on Instagram.

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Loch Ness

Posted on December 6, 2019 by carltellstales

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Dead Badger

Posted on November 21, 2019 by carltellstales

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Rich

Posted on November 14, 2019 by carltellstales

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Big Head

Posted on November 7, 2019 by carltellstales

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Sandwich

Posted on November 5, 2019 by carltellstales

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Going Vegan

Posted on November 1, 2019 by carltellstales

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Coconut

Posted on June 27, 2019 by carltellstales

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Shape

Posted on June 20, 2019 by carltellstales

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You Rang?

Posted on June 13, 2019 by carltellstales

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Camera

Posted on June 6, 2019 by carltellstales

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Stuff I done wrote

Goal
023 – available if unoccupied
How much do you know about AI?
Pig
The overhead projector monitor
Unused toilet rolls
Away
One night
SUBJECT LINE: How does your future look, Carl?
Your smile is our reputation
Useless is
The consequences of feeling sexy
Corner
On the inside
A banana skin
Welcome to weather
Near a milkman
Where to?
Empty jars
E-Cyclist
I saw you running the other day
1039
Dogs in the chicken shop
Watch your eyes
Another world
What can I see?
If you need me
Chimply
Full of smiles
Holding
A quick note
Cromer Gift Shop: Everything you could ask for
Rainbow Butterfly Unicorn Kitty
Those retro Coca Cola glasses
Both sides of the road
Come on, little chickens
Captain America is in the chip shop
He was unsuccessful and then he died by John Osborne
Friends of mine are becoming Heads
The next time I fall over
She had an egg and a hash brown every day
Settling in
What do you regret in life, Carl?
If in doubt, get out
No coffee, no tea
Cover
The face
I completed the cereal box word search this morning
Loads
End of the day
See you soon?
A few days not alone
The cafe has a sign for doner kebab paninis
In the blink of an eye
Subway
A Twister and a briefcase
Long weekend
Perfect position
Night
One job
Do you want cinnamon, Natalie?!
Where do all the fucking socks go?
Chaos
4pm chip shop chips
You’re staring at each other
An Interesting Fact About One Of My Relatives by Ian McMillan
Chat up
Class
Intermittent hard shoulder
Just in case?
Are you a breakfast tea?
We swapped eyes today
I think about the note you didn’t leave
Who do you know?
This is a staff announcement, can Tina come to customer service
Crossword by the window
Watching a baboon tearing off a windscreen wiper
A complete stranger
Habit
They’re discussing exercise routines
The balloon baby
Do you have any missing teeth?
Silly Les
Swept up
Fireman Sam looks knackered
Mates
Ups and downs
Remember the face enjoys trains
Your eyes are diabolical blue
OK Diner
On and on
All it takes
Please be kind to the Septic Tank
Still
You are kissing the door of your baby gate
They’re in love
1,000 things that go
A bloke is leaning on the bar
Are you ready?
Say hello, if you like
Stockport isn’t shit
I’m drinking tea alone
What do you think is happening?
Landing on a new planet
Open can
Sticks
Another one
We just saw a bin man throw a crisp wrapper out the window of his lorry
I see regulars, walking around like regular people
Nickname
Rumble
It’s hard not to think
Moments
The men in the fire engine
We catch up in the evenings
Unlikely event
Tarmac
The guilt sticks
The beard he’s never seen
The twins
Old man’s old man
There is bird poo on the Porsche
Life-size pop-up book
Old uniform
Live animals in transit
Fictional breath
The Man City academy boys are walking down the road
I could watch you watching trains until I no longer have eyes
Holding it together
Bin men will wave
You are eating Weetabix
My forehead skin is covered in worry lines
Nothing really changes
SNAP SNAP SNAP
Wink
He has eggs
Death Dream by Scott Hutchison
Today you will decide
Come again
Fish don’t get scared by rock and roll
Days adding up
Sometimes it’s a game of darts that does it
Olympic Fish Bar
Doing your thing
A pack of chicken Kievs sitting on the Wispa bars
They’re taking the Christmas tree down in the service station
The skin peels off
A remote control monster truck in the middle of the road
Go on, mate
Services
He’s fine
A quick tea
Cover
In the wardrobe door
I guess we are
Supermarket Santa on his lunch break
Professional wrestlers learn how to fall on their back safely
The medusa stage of the jellyfish
The alien rearranges the animals
Heads
No one
Famous Billys by Daniel Cockrill
Netflix has a TV show called Fireplace For Your Home
I ask for a large chips, please
Nice hat, mate
Some people just can
Julius Pringles’ bow tie has changed
The work lot are filing in
A couple judged in two seconds
I guess you’ll be in an art lesson one day
Getting clearer
To me you are cool
Hairdressers don’t cut their own hair
H from Steps said it’s OK if your house is in a state
A mess
In line
Object Permanence by Laurie Ogden
Spaghetti jazz
Flying with no T-shirt
Alien invasion
Someone, somewhere, is saying “It’s five o’clock somewhere”
The Frozen Aisle by John Osborne
The importance of remembering mud
Don’t spike the lens
Cheers, Tim. Cheers, Simon.
It’s coming
Jimmy White met Thin Lizzy
He stops us on the street
Chimps in trousers
Sophie Ellis-Bextor does the school run in an electric Tuk Tuk
2001
A vacuum cleaner with a skull
A nappy in a KFC bag
The hug
Coated almonds
Receipt
Magic
The moon is a tasty Granddad
The humans lost their words
It’s not a service station it’s a Gloucester farm shop
The beep of the green man
The view
It is Wednesday
Men
Concentrate
I’m actually quite enjoying our walk in the rain
Here we go
A day in May
Nobody waved today
We got dressed up
The bloke
Gravy
Balancing by John Osborne
Little chef
Erin Brockovich won’t stop
Cheers
Dennis Bergkamp was our hamster
Action
The rough days
Congratulations by Erin Bolens
Puddle ducks
Check in
I’m no good at DIY
Glasses, Green Shirt and Shoes
Full time
Cargo
Small talk in the park
Live music
WMHD
Learning
Sleeping in a church
The groundsman
We’re sat in the coffee shop window
Directions
Just over there
Having lunch where Patrice Evra used to buy his baguettes
Morning!
Give it a minute
Pizza La Vita
Your eyes watching Match of the Day repeats
We don’t need conkers
A shit flower next to a shit chip shop
One down
The conker didn’t fall on you today
Buzz Lightyear lives above the podiatrist
I asked the lift repair man how his day was going
Free personal trainer
Waving the ornaments
Sitting beside the pool with the other Dad while our wives are learning how to keep our sons alive in deep water
Dipstick
You never know
That is a flatbed truck filled with red bricks
Gregg Wallace won’t stop saying ‘Fish cookery’
Hi, I’m Jess from Ninja
High-fiving a mirror
This is Bridge MCH/3
2.35pm free pudding
How are you not scared?
So, what do you do?
Rest
Two flies spinning around the room
Words With Friends
Frog Wardens
Food festival near where I live now
There is a heart
Yellow
I spent the afternoon as Christian Bale
Break
Seventeen years
Are you Harry Kane?
My Grandma left my uncle in the butchers
You are Barry from EastEnders
I have one of those faces, apparently
Pep Guardiola announces he is leaving Man City in 2023
< – – – Pigeon supply shop
Gifts by Lewis Buxton
The employees at the funeral company near me have the nicest cars
Weekday smilers
I can see John Cena’s bald patch
A brief moment
Bath time
I like to think about George Clooney with a stone in his shoe
I am one of the top currency trader coaches in the world today
Go Shopping by John Osborne
Question
A man is whisking eggs on television
You’re probably a dinosaur
The room
Watching Zac Efron eat a carb
Today I saw
Have you ever done a fart you’ve not laughed at?
A heap of stuff
Preserving Carol Wilson
His hand isn’t up the horse’s arse, he’s just bending his arm
We are in the back of the car
Puppy button
Outside the window
It’s either a balloon or your head
There was a blue planet called Earth
A bouncy castle is basically life
Caution horses
Newest Cheshire potatoes – – – >
Dog Lane
Greetings
Some guy
Background
Cracks in a house suggest movement
I want to couple up with this girl because
I’ve had my cry
You just watched your first Olympic opening ceremony
Gogglebox
I am preparing for a meeting
Hands
What the hell do you think the sun is?
Keith Road
The things we hold
Do you remember Big Mo from EastEnders?
Do you have a poetry section?
Still
Torture
Guess who
Gareth Southgate lives down my street
Watching you trying to stand
You owe me a tenner
Get excited every now and then
Sea
It snowballed
Love Version Of by Richard Scott
Trip
It’s just a motorway lamppost
The cast of Friends are pigeons outside my flat
American Authors say this is gonna be the best day of my life
The length of time it takes to get a key cut is something I’ve never considered
Watching a confusing film and realising the TV’s off
Take the help
Gwyneth Paltrow’s daughter Dave Webster by John Osborne
Pink is not a good colour for a football shirt
In a loo in Crewe
We’ve done it!
Approximately a third of the way through your first year I’m on a stag do
I live with Scatman John
Huw Edwards’ eyebrows
The bathroom light switch is on a wall outside the bathroom
The Passing of Time by Mary Ruefle
We have
Best wishes, Keith Curle
Heinz sponsors the weather
Alan Shearer’s pen
This one’s for you
So maybe tomorrow