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Category Archives: 30 Second Tales

Tales written and told by me, illustrated by Darrell Swainston. Follow @30SecondTales on Instagram.

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Loch Ness

Posted on December 6, 2019 by carltellstales

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Dead Badger

Posted on November 21, 2019 by carltellstales

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Rich

Posted on November 14, 2019 by carltellstales

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Big Head

Posted on November 7, 2019 by carltellstales

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Sandwich

Posted on November 5, 2019 by carltellstales

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Going Vegan

Posted on November 1, 2019 by carltellstales

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Coconut

Posted on June 27, 2019 by carltellstales

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Shape

Posted on June 20, 2019 by carltellstales

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You Rang?

Posted on June 13, 2019 by carltellstales

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Camera

Posted on June 6, 2019 by carltellstales

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Stuff I done wrote

You are currently caller number 11
The seagull doesn’t give two shits about the boy yelling in its face
You are currently caller number 12
The cookies are called Dad’s Cookies
An argument in fancy dress
Williams and Featherstone
Dog waste accepted
Hide and seek
I sold my yeti mug to Brian from the kitchen
I’m starting to call toilets wash rooms
He’s taken his harp to the beach
Bro
You’re pointing at the giant cement mixer
Coronation
He waits to fart at the urinal when someone else starts using the hand dryer
My son thinks his mum’s tortoise would like it in Vancouver
I had a friend who was a longshoreman
The Optimist Club
Are you, like, scared of water?
I will
In the porch
For example, most of nature is left handed
A week
Together
Hit me
Broadcast
Tag
I was dancing on Friday and my hip popped out
Hop
You’re sitting at the table in the far corner of the pub saying things I could only dream of over the course of 90 minutes
That reminds him
Deny it all you like, I know you’re a robot
Pattern
My back is 35 years older than me
Moo
A few rows from the back seat
Tough guy
S A T U R D A and Y
Seeing your first balloon pop
The plot
Friendly, reliable, semi-retired plasterer
Where’s Wally?
Piecing it together
Sausage Tuesday
Reading
In the office at the weekend
What do they think we are?
Black beard
Updating the CV
Blanket
Magic tricks
Full
Exclamation
Conference table
Make yourself at home
The mornings begin
Excuses
Sick
Fall
If you ever bump into your tonsillitis again
The Legend
Over the last seven days
The outer packaging is 100% collapsible
Fever dream
Goal bonus
Dog waste accepted
Lacrosse stick
Skin
Approaching Cilla Black’s backpack
That’s a poem
Empty
At the circus
The kind of day
I could go on all day about the lack of manners in Peppa Pig
Waiting for something
Marauding terrorist attacks and defibrillators
In the wild
We’ve not had a chance to discuss our ailments yet
Applaud
I am writing this poem about cornflakes
My name’s Lucian and I have a Google Pixel
Crumbs
The kind of man
Nothing
Slowly becoming a local
Monthly meet up
Warning: Shallow Water
There’s a ghost in the flat
When small talk starts
Too cool to wipe his piss off the public toilet seat
Shot
“He wants to sew his penis to his ankle”
The weight
The online article told him to get busy
Order
On top of one another
I can’t imagine having nothing to tell you
The kind of day
You’re more than welcome
New customer
I’ve known him for over 50 years and I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather punch in the head
Give me the confidence of a man who knows what to do
Toddler at the dentist
ASDA keeps moving their eggs
Chick‘n’Mix
“I’m going to work”
“I’m a snake”
We’re separated in the supermarket and my phone has no signal
“I’m a digger”
I’m talking to a man
The prick in the petrol station
Time with you
Don’t take that away
What a cross
Some believe
Kick off
Everyday
Chester Birming
Massage the heart, gently
Sympathy
A ghost is using the hand dryer
Storm
Putting a letter in a post box
I’m having a shower with a toy bin lorry
Snoring
The struggle he has to overcome
Running with no headphones
Oh, Man
Watching
Flight
Christmas tree in January
A stroke of tonsillitis
She is screaming for her Dad
Charity shop on 2nd January
Cold
Karaoke every Sunday with our very own Geoff
Does Father Christmas Play Football?
Sleep
Woodworker of the Year
Emergency Late Night December GP Appointment
The Week the Tubes of Pringles Just Live on the Dining Table
The Anatomy of a Christmas Tree
They just
The seed grew teeth
Did Shakespeare invent football?
Christmas Cracker Hat Game
Eve
Out Of Office
Christmas Haircut
If your misdemeanours came to light, would you be ashamed?
Is it OK if I stroke your dog?
The Price of Haddock
The radio says that more people have been on the moon than completed Takeshi’s Castle
Cracker
Bubba at Number 28
Cancelled Christmas Do
Worlds apart
A While Ago, Now
Unopened Christmas Card
Greggs Vegan Festive Bake
Christmas Looks Good on You
Snowing on the Morning of an England World Cup Quarter Final
Penguin on a Tree
Playmobil Nativity Scene
Catching Up
The plumber is listening to Coldplay
No Cushion
Scene
T-Rex
Fairy Lights in the Shopping Precinct
Festive latte
I don’t enjoy spending time with him. He’s too simple.
I nod
Paul Scholes says he actually liked playing on the left for England
Floats
You open the door
He said he was going to grab a yogurt for the road
Explode
Hello?
Next to me
There is a lion in the quiet carriage
Eating Stars
Preparation
I got a taxi to the health centre then another taxi to the shops
The importance of feeling
How to Become a Magician by Moose Allain
He lives with a trapeze artist
There’s a whale in the farm
An evening with former England manager Kevin Keegan
Dadbot
POTATOES!
Who cares
Pick and mix
Standing around the café toilets
We’re seeing so many people die we should just do what we want whenever we want
Local Pumpkins
My eyes
An interaction
Yellow
The old house with the blue door
We try again tomorrow
Asleep,
Special
Long-tailed Tit
War cry
Greenfinch
Goldfinch
Productivity
Fingers
Too thick, too raw
Chutneys
Private
The caterpillar and the penguin
Subconscious seasoning
Barn Owl
Blackbird
Sparrowhawk
House Sparrow
Green Woodpecker
Linnet
Chaffinch
The difficult bits
I am a pirate again
The fit boy at school just got married
Meaning
Who knows?
He has a Twix and tiramisu every day, and at least four Müller Corners
Service
Heathpark House
The National Express misses me
The angels are roaring so loud
Adults in the soft play
Eggs, where are you?
The shoulders of soldiers
The River Tay
Must Eat Chip Shop
You are now entering Stanley
A potato with shoulders
There is an old man in the back of the car
Turn the stars on
James Brown is buried in Plymouth
I blink
We could
A memory
You’ll grow up with different stamps
Will I have the courage to reject Sambuca at 82?
Lamer
Bohemian Barbers
Undodgeable
The 8:28am to Mansfield
Viking
Transfer Deadline Day
Fudge in a garden centre
Puffins galore
Look at that little boy
What do you want to be when you grow up?
Little piggies
It’s a foul, of course it’s a foul. You can’t do that.
Subplot
Kim Kardashian is bringing back the side part
Space Bastard
As good today as it’s always been
Golden hour
I❤️EGGS
Tying shoelaces with my nephew
The hyenas are in the sea
I am Rocky Balboa running
Day after day
She calls me Craig
Watching him
It’s 20 minutes before we’re supposed to be at a wedding and I’m pretending to water the flowers with a turned off hose
A Few Minutes In Barnardo’s
Picking a punnet of cherries outside a greengrocer’s at midnight
Jacqueline Wilson: Independent Funeral Service
A quick chat
Bang
Hard
I am a pink bean bag
Making connections
Have a lovely holiday if I don’t see you
Couple in the petrol station
Wake up
Cookies for the office
Hiya!
I’d like to couple up with this boy because
Into the park
Today
Don’t slap the papaya
You don’t know how fucking generous you are
Dave saw a lizard
Croissants in a hire car
I’ve got good eyes, a great pancreas and a terrible heart
If we can avoid needing a Carl, that would be great
People say
Ibuprofen and a Basil Plant
Soap
It won’t work
Your body is going to die your body is going to die your body is going to die
So I remember when we were driving, driving in your car
We’re usually just so stressed we buy fish and chips
Hot air
Lessons learned
Ash
I felt the sickness behind my eyes
Colin
Smallsteps and Sideways
Ronnie O’Sullivan is
Paul
This one’s for Ben
Jelly Babies on a cliffside
My favourite noise is the OOH! someone makes after stopping themselves from falling over on a wet rock
Rich
A puddle wearing waterproofs
Uniform
The sunshine works in a Gretna café
There’s a barbershop at Lymm Services
I clicked ‘yes’ when the ATM asked if I wanted an advice slip
Action
Wonky
Reliable
An art gallery made up of supermarket cereal shelves
Different Saturdays
An idea
Pedestrians have priority
I’m watching two old blokes
How is he in himself?
Cleaning an open window
Advertise your brand on this roundabout
We are broadcasting live from Ibiza
The beginning
Parallel
Flat
Hi, this is Victoria from One Life. Am I speaking to Carl? Oh, great. Tell me, when the time comes, will it be a burial or a cremation?
Don’t forget to be a good boy
Beef
This is the closest I’ve ever been to a peregrine falcon
‘You forget where you put things, don’t you?’
One in five people is ‘highly sensitive’. Are you?
You’re never far from your local Jewson
I really appreciate you keeping me in the loop, mate
I’m a boring professor with a husband and three lovers
English Breakfast 3-5m
We don’t mind
Sun’s out, son’s out
Slide
The Smile
The football boot
Spring by Jack Underwood
It’s simple enough
The Gongoozlers