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Category Archives: 30 Second Tales

Tales written and told by me, illustrated by Darrell Swainston. Follow @30SecondTales on Instagram.

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Loch Ness

Posted on December 6, 2019 by carltellstales

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Dead Badger

Posted on November 21, 2019 by carltellstales

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Rich

Posted on November 14, 2019 by carltellstales

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Big Head

Posted on November 7, 2019 by carltellstales

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Sandwich

Posted on November 5, 2019 by carltellstales

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Going Vegan

Posted on November 1, 2019 by carltellstales

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Coconut

Posted on June 27, 2019 by carltellstales

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Shape

Posted on June 20, 2019 by carltellstales

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You Rang?

Posted on June 13, 2019 by carltellstales

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Camera

Posted on June 6, 2019 by carltellstales

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Stuff I done wrote

The National Express misses me
The angels are roaring so loud
Adults in the soft play
Eggs, where are you?
The shoulders of soldiers
The River Tay
Must Eat Chip Shop
You are now entering Stanley
A potato with shoulders
There is an old man in the back of the car
Turn the stars on
James Brown is buried in Plymouth
I blink
We could
A memory
You’ll grow up with different stamps
Will I have the courage to reject Sambuca at 82?
Lamer
Bohemian Barbers
Undodgeable
The 8:28am to Mansfield
Viking
Transfer Deadline Day
Fudge in a garden centre
Puffins galore
Look at that little boy
What do you want to be when you grow up?
Little piggies
It’s a foul, of course it’s a foul. You can’t do that.
Subplot
Kim Kardashian is bringing back the side part
Space Bastard
As good today as it’s always been
Golden hour
I❤️EGGS
Tying shoelaces with my nephew
The hyenas are in the sea
I am Rocky Balboa running
Day after day
She calls me Craig
Watching him
It’s 20 minutes before we’re supposed to be at a wedding and I’m pretending to water the flowers with a turned off hose
A Few Minutes In Barnardo’s
Picking a punnet of cherries outside a greengrocer’s at midnight
Jacqueline Wilson: Independent Funeral Service
A quick chat
Bang
Hard
I am a pink bean bag
Making connections
Have a lovely holiday if I don’t see you
Couple in the petrol station
Wake up
Cookies for the office
Hiya!
I’d like to couple up with this boy because
Into the park
Today
Don’t slap the papaya
You don’t know how fucking generous you are
Dave saw a lizard
Croissants in a hire car
I’ve got good eyes, a great pancreas and a terrible heart
If we can avoid needing a Carl, that would be great
People say
Ibuprofen and a Basil Plant
Soap
It won’t work
Your body is going to die your body is going to die your body is going to die
So I remember when we were driving, driving in your car
We’re usually just so stressed we buy fish and chips
Hot air
Lessons learned
Ash
I felt the sickness behind my eyes
Colin
Smallsteps and Sideways
Ronnie O’Sullivan is
Paul
This one’s for Ben
Jelly Babies on a cliffside
My favourite noise is the OOH! someone makes after stopping themselves from falling over on a wet rock
Rich
A puddle wearing waterproofs
Uniform
The sunshine works in a Gretna café
There’s a barbershop at Lymm Services
I clicked ‘yes’ when the ATM asked if I wanted an advice slip
Action
Wonky
Reliable
An art gallery made up of supermarket cereal shelves
Different Saturdays
An idea
Pedestrians have priority
I’m watching two old blokes
How is he in himself?
Cleaning an open window
Advertise your brand on this roundabout
We are broadcasting live from Ibiza
The beginning
Parallel
Flat
Hi, this is Victoria from One Life. Am I speaking to Carl? Oh, great. Tell me, when the time comes, will it be a burial or a cremation?
Don’t forget to be a good boy
Beef
This is the closest I’ve ever been to a peregrine falcon
‘You forget where you put things, don’t you?’
One in five people is ‘highly sensitive’. Are you?
You’re never far from your local Jewson
I really appreciate you keeping me in the loop, mate
I’m a boring professor with a husband and three lovers
English Breakfast 3-5m
We don’t mind
Sun’s out, son’s out
Slide
The Smile
The football boot
Spring by Jack Underwood
It’s simple enough
The Gongoozlers
I like watching kids cry in football stadiums
I think my favourite thing
Is your truck ready to retire?
Editor’s Pick
A guide to warm days
Back on the horse
There are no toilets in Corby train station
HAPPY 70TH BIRTHDAY
Cat
Nuance
Goal
023 – available if unoccupied
How much do you know about AI?
Pig
The overhead projector monitor
Unused toilet rolls
Away
One night
SUBJECT LINE: How does your future look, Carl?
Your smile is our reputation
Useless is
The consequences of feeling sexy
Corner
On the inside
A banana skin
Welcome to weather
Near a milkman
Where to?
Empty jars
E-Cyclist
I saw you running the other day
1039
Dogs in the chicken shop
Watch your eyes
Another world
What can I see?
If you need me
Chimply
Full of smiles
Holding
A quick note
Cromer Gift Shop: Everything you could ask for
Rainbow Butterfly Unicorn Kitty
Those retro Coca Cola glasses
Both sides of the road
Come on, little chickens
Captain America is in the chip shop
He was unsuccessful and then he died by John Osborne
Friends of mine are becoming Heads
The next time I fall over
She had an egg and a hash brown every day
Settling in
What do you regret in life, Carl?
If in doubt, get out
No coffee, no tea
Cover
The face
I completed the cereal box word search this morning
Loads
End of the day
See you soon?
A few days not alone
The cafe has a sign for doner kebab paninis
In the blink of an eye
Subway
A Twister and a briefcase
Long weekend
Perfect position
Night
One job
Do you want cinnamon, Natalie?!
Where do all the fucking socks go?
Chaos
4pm chip shop chips
You’re staring at each other
An Interesting Fact About One Of My Relatives by Ian McMillan
Chat up
Class
Intermittent hard shoulder
Just in case?
Are you a breakfast tea?
We swapped eyes today
I think about the note you didn’t leave
Who do you know?
This is a staff announcement, can Tina come to customer service
Crossword by the window
Watching a baboon tearing off a windscreen wiper
A complete stranger
Habit
They’re discussing exercise routines
The balloon baby
Do you have any missing teeth?
Silly Les
Swept up
Fireman Sam looks knackered
Mates
Ups and downs
Remember the face enjoys trains
Your eyes are diabolical blue
OK Diner
On and on
All it takes
Please be kind to the Septic Tank
Still
You are kissing the door of your baby gate
They’re in love
1,000 things that go
A bloke is leaning on the bar
Are you ready?
Say hello, if you like
Stockport isn’t shit
I’m drinking tea alone
What do you think is happening?
Landing on a new planet
Open can
Sticks
Another one
We just saw a bin man throw a crisp wrapper out the window of his lorry
I see regulars, walking around like regular people
Nickname
Rumble
It’s hard not to think
Moments
The men in the fire engine
We catch up in the evenings
Unlikely event
Tarmac
The guilt sticks
The beard he’s never seen
The twins
Old man’s old man
There is bird poo on the Porsche
Life-size pop-up book
Old uniform
Live animals in transit
Fictional breath
The Man City academy boys are walking down the road
I could watch you watching trains until I no longer have eyes
Holding it together
Bin men will wave
You are eating Weetabix
My forehead skin is covered in worry lines
Nothing really changes
SNAP SNAP SNAP
Wink
He has eggs
Death Dream by Scott Hutchison
Today you will decide
Come again
Fish don’t get scared by rock and roll
Days adding up
Sometimes it’s a game of darts that does it
Olympic Fish Bar
Doing your thing
A pack of chicken Kievs sitting on the Wispa bars
They’re taking the Christmas tree down in the service station
The skin peels off
A remote control monster truck in the middle of the road
Go on, mate
Services
He’s fine
A quick tea
Cover
In the wardrobe door
I guess we are
Supermarket Santa on his lunch break
Professional wrestlers learn how to fall on their back safely
The medusa stage of the jellyfish
The alien rearranges the animals
Heads
No one
Famous Billys by Daniel Cockrill
Netflix has a TV show called Fireplace For Your Home
I ask for a large chips, please
Nice hat, mate
Some people just can
Julius Pringles’ bow tie has changed
The work lot are filing in
A couple judged in two seconds
I guess you’ll be in an art lesson one day
Getting clearer
To me you are cool
Hairdressers don’t cut their own hair
H from Steps said it’s OK if your house is in a state
A mess
In line
Object Permanence by Laurie Ogden
Spaghetti jazz
Flying with no T-shirt
Alien invasion
Someone, somewhere, is saying “It’s five o’clock somewhere”
The Frozen Aisle by John Osborne
The importance of remembering mud
Don’t spike the lens
Cheers, Tim. Cheers, Simon.
It’s coming
Jimmy White met Thin Lizzy
He stops us on the street
Chimps in trousers
Sophie Ellis-Bextor does the school run in an electric Tuk Tuk
2001
A vacuum cleaner with a skull
A nappy in a KFC bag
The hug
Coated almonds
Receipt
Magic
The moon is a tasty Granddad
The humans lost their words
It’s not a service station it’s a Gloucester farm shop
The beep of the green man
The view
It is Wednesday
Men
Concentrate
I’m actually quite enjoying our walk in the rain
Here we go
A day in May
Nobody waved today
We got dressed up
The bloke
Gravy
Balancing by John Osborne
Little chef
Erin Brockovich won’t stop
Cheers
Dennis Bergkamp was our hamster
Action
The rough days