Colombia vs Uruguay (Last 16)

Cornwall. 28th June 2014. 21.00pm – Kick off.

Barbara, 96, and Hazel, 94, are sat on the sofa watching the Colombia vs Uruguay game.

Barbara starts laughing hysterically.

HAZEL: You OK?

BARBARA: HAHAHAHAHA

HAZEL: …

BARBARA: HAHAHAHAHA

HAZEL: What’s-

BARBARA: HAHAHAHAHA OH MY GOD HAZEL

HAZEL: What?

BARBARA: HAVE YOU HAHAHAHAHAHA

HAZEL: …

BARBARA: HAVE YOU EVER REALISED HAHAHAHAHA

HAZEL: …

BARBARA: THAT URUGUAY

HAZEL: Yes?

BARBARA: SOUNDS LIKE-

HAZEL: For Christ’s sake

BARBARA: HAHAHAHAHA

HAZEL: Yes, yes, it’s been said a million-

BARBARA: YOU’RE A GUY!!

HAZEL: Oh-

BARBARA: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Brazil vs Chile (Last 16)

Cornwall. 28th June 2014. 17.30pm – 30 minutes after kick off.

Hazel, 94, is sat on the sofa watching the Brazil game.

Barbara, 96, enters the living room, wearing a black leather jacket. She pauses and slicks her hair back with a little comb.

Hazel rolls her eyes.

HAZEL: Greece aren’t playing.

BARBARA: I know.

HAZEL: Then why are you dressed like that, again?

BARBARA: My Bridge Club sweepstake pick.

HAZEL: What?

BARBARA: …I got Chhiiiiiiiiiilll-

HAZEL: I hate you.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

South Korea vs Belgium and Algeria vs Russia (Group H)

Cornwall. 26th June 2014. 21.00pm – Kick off.

A worse for wear Barbara, 96, is sat on the sofa with a flannel on her head, watching the Algeria vs Russia game with Hazel, 94.

BARBARA: We’ve already seen this.

HAZEL: What?

BARBARA: This game. We’ve seen it.

HAZEL: It’s literally just started.

BARBARA: No. We’ve seen it.

HAZEL: We haven’t, trust me.

BARBARA: They played the other day.

HAZEL: No, they played the other teams in their group the other day – South Korea and Belgium.

BARBARA: What?

HAZEL: Huh?

BARBARA: What do you mean?

HAZEL: What?

BARBARA: What do you mean, “other teams in their group”?

HAZEL: What?!

BARBARA: Hmm?

HAZEL: Are you kidding?

BARBARA: No…

HAZEL: We…

BARBARA: Other teams?

HAZEL: Yeah…

BARBARA: …

HAZEL: In their group!

BARBARA: You’ve lost me.

HAZEL: This is the last of the group games…

Barbara looks blankly.

HAZEL: I…there… there are 32 teams split across eight groups…

BARBARA: …

HAZEL: Each team in each group plays each other…

BARBARA: …

HAZEL: Top two go through.

BARBARA: Wait.

HAZEL: What?

BARBARA: There’s been (pause) 48 games?!

HAZEL: …Yes

BARBARA: We’ve seen all of them?

HAZEL: Other than a couple, yeah.

BARBARA: Seriously?

HAZEL: YES!

BARBARA: …

HAZEL: Are you OK?

BARBARA: Hazel, I’m scared.

Barbara walks upstairs to bed.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

USA vs Germany and Portugal vs Ghana (Group G)

Cornwall. 26th June 2014. 17.00pm – Kick off.

Hazel, 94, walks into the living room, from the kitchen, excited for the USA vs Germany game and to carry on hers and Barbara’s, 96, tradition of both preparing food of one of the nations involved in the last day of the group stages.

Hazel’s carrying a big sharing platter of bratwurst, currywurst, sauerkraut and weizenbier.

She enters the living room to see Barbara slouched on the sofa, wearing just her bra and knickers and a star-spangled bandana, eating from a can of SPAM with a teaspoon.

Hazel sighs.

HAZEL: Afterno-

BARBARA: U.S.-

Barbara falls off the sofa into a pile of empty Budweiser cans.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Honduras vs Switzerland and Ecuador vs France (Group E)

Cornwall. 25th June 2014. 20.55pm – Five minutes before kick off.

Hazel, 94, and Barbara, 96, are watching the build up to the Honduras vs Switzerland game.

The squad lists appear on the screen.

BARBARA: HA!

HAZEL: What?

BARBARA: Nothing.

Hazel looks at the screen.

HAZEL: You’re laughing at the fact ‘Phillipe Senderos’ sounds vaguely like ‘Honduras’, aren’t you…?

BARBARA: Words are ace!

HAZEL: They certainly are.

Hazel smiles.

HAZEL: What are your favourite words?

BARBARA: ‘Patronising’ and ‘bitch’, I reckon.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Nigeria vs Argentina and Bosnia-Herzegovina vs Iran (Group F)

Cornwall. 25th June 2014. 17.00pm – Kick off.

Hazel, 94, is sat watching the Bosnia-Herzegovina vs Iran game.

Barbara, 96, is next to her on the sofa, twiddling her thumbs.

BARBARA: Bosnia vs Iran, eh?

HAZEL: Yep

BARBARA: Herzegovina

HAZEL: Yep

BARBARA: Herzegovina

HAZEL: mhmm

BARBARA: Go vin YA

HAZEL: …

BARBARA: Goooo viiiiiiin yaaaaaa-

Hazel tuts and changes the channel to the Nigeria vs Argentina game.

Barbara nods.

BARBARA: Thanking you.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Japan vs Colombia and Greece vs Ivory Coast (Group C)

Cornwall. 24th June 2014. 21.00pm – Kick off.

Hazel, 94, is sat on the sofa.

Barbara, 96, enters the living room, wearing a black leather jacket. She pauses and slicks her hair back with a little comb.

BARBARA: What game you watching?

HAZEL: Greece.

BARBARA: Uh well-a well-a-

HAZEL: Don’t you fucking dare.

© Carl Burkitt 2014