Japan vs Colombia and Greece vs Ivory Coast (Group C)

Cornwall. 24th June 2014. 21.00pm – Kick off.

Hazel, 94, is sat on the sofa.

Barbara, 96, enters the living room, wearing a black leather jacket. She pauses and slicks her hair back with a little comb.

BARBARA: What game you watching?

HAZEL: Greece.

BARBARA: Uh well-a well-a-

HAZEL: Don’t you fucking dare.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Costa Rica vs England and Italy vs Uruguay (Group D)

Cornwall. 24th June 2014. 17.00pm – Kick off.

Hazel, 94, is sat on the sofa as the Italy vs Uruguay game kicks off.

Barbara, 96, enters the living room dressed as a bulldog.

HAZEL: What the, what on Earth have you got on?

BARBARA: Why aren’t you watching the England game?

HAZEL: Well, I can flick over later but-

BARBARA: Why aren’t you watching the England game?

HAZEL: We’re out, the Italy game means more for the group and the tournament as a whole.

BARBARA: What do you mean, we’re “out”.

HAZEL: Seriously?

Barbara looks at Hazel, blankly.

HAZEL: England lost both of their games.

BARBARA: Right…?

HAZEL: And other results mean they cannot qualify.

BARBARA: Ye with little faith.

HAZEL: Ye with little brains.

BARBARA: Hmm?

HAZEL: Barbara, England are out.

BARBARA: But what if we win?

HAZEL: They’ll only have three points. Costa Rica currently have six, Italy and Uruguay both have three.

BARBARA: What if we win and Italy win?

HAZEL: Costa Rica and Italy will have six points, England and Uruguay will have three. Putting England out.

BARBARA: What if we win and Uruguay win?

HAZEL: Wh…the same… Costa Rica and Uruguay will have six points, England and Italy will have three. Putting England out.

BARBARA: …What if we win but Italy and Uruguay draw?

HAZEL: Jesus. Costa Rica will have six points, Italy and Uruguay will have four points and England will have three. Putting England out.

BARBARA: So you’re saying we have no chance?

HAZEL: NO! WE’RE OUT!

BARBARA: So there’s NO way we can go through?

HAZEL: Bloody hell! If Lampard scores a goal so powerfully it breaks through the very fabric of time, and lands in the top corner of Uruguay’s goal last Thursday, TWICE, making it 3-2, then yeah, maybe we COULD go through tonight.

BARBARA: So you’re saying there is a chance?!

HAZEL: No I-

Barbara kicks Hazel to the ground and flicks over to ITV.

BARBARA: COME ON ENGLAND, COME ON ENGLAND, COME ON ENGLAND.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cameroon vs Brazil and Croatia vs Mexico (Group A)

Cornwall. 23rd June 2014. 21.10pm – 10 minutes after kick off.

Hazel, 94, is sat on the living room sofa with Barbara, 96, watching the Brazil game on ITV.

Hazel giggles.

HAZEL: Hey, Barbara. What did the confusing horse say when his mum asked if he wanted a player’s name on the back of his Brazilian shirt?

BARBARA: I dunno, what did the confusing horse say when his mum asked if he wanted a player’s name on the back of his Brazilian shirt?

HAZEL: NEYMAR! Hehehe.

BARBARA: Good choice.

HAZEL: Hehe- wait, what?

BARBARA: He’s a good player.

HAZEL: No it’s-

BARBARA: I’d probably get Neymar on my shirt.

HAZEL: No Bar-

BARBARA: I didn’t know they sold football shirts for horses.

HAZEL: They don’t, it’s a-

BARBARA: Would they wear shorts too?

Hazel tuts and turns the channel to ITV 4 to check out Croatia vs Mexico.

BARBARA: Eurgh, Modric, what an ugly bastard. Now if my mum asked me if I wanted his name on my shirt I’d say “NO MA!”

Hazel stares at Barbara, waiting for it to sink in.

Barbara pauses and grins.

HAZEL: …You get it?

Barbara farts.

BARBARA: Oof, bloody wind. Get what?

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Australia vs Spain and Netherlands vs Chile (Group B)

Cornwall. 23rd June 2014. 17.00pm – Kick off.

Hazel, 94, and Barbara, 96, are watching the Netherlands vs Chile game.

BARBARA: Can’t wait for the Australia vs Spain game.

HAZEL: It’s-

BARBARA: Been excited ALL day.

HAZEL: But-

BARBARA: I hope Massimo Luongo gets picked for Australia.

HAZEL: Barb-

BARBARA: It’ll be a fairy tale for the young lad.

HAZEL: Th-

BARBARA: Sold by Tottenham to League One club Swindon.

HAZEL: It’s

BARBARA: Only the third Swindon player in history to play in a World Cup.

HAZEL: BARBARA!

BARBARA: Yes?

HAZEL: The Australia game is on right now.

Barbara messes up Hazel’s hair.

BARBARA: Don’t be silly, it’s the Netherlands vs Chile game now. Haha.

HAZEL: No, Barbara, this week the final group games are played at the same time.

BARBARA: WHAT?!

HAZEL: I guess it’s so they don’t have to worry about the other result and can just play their game.

BARBARA: Oh man, I want to see Massimo!

HAZEL: I’m sorry.

Hazel pats Barbara’s back.

HAZEL: Why do you care so much about an Australian playing for Swindon, anyway?

Barbara blushes.

BARBARA: Trying to impress a sexy, tall guy I know…

Barbara winks at the camera.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

USA vs Portugal (Group G)

Cornwall. 22nd June 2014. 23.50pm – The middle of half time.

Hazel, 94, is asleep on the sofa.

Barbara, 96, is frantically flicking through her phone.

BARBARA: Holy shit!

Hazel begins to snore.

BARBARA: HAZEL!

Hazel wakes up, startled.

BARBARA: Philadelphia cheese was…was invented in New York.

HAZEL: So…

BARBARA: Reckon that’s why cream cheese is in a New York cheesecake?

HAZEL: Maybe-

BARBARA: WHERE’S TOM HANKS FROM?

Barbara Googles some more.

HAZEL: I’m not-

BARBARA: CALIFORNIA.

HAZEL: Right-

BARBARA: IS ANTONIO BANDERAS PORTUGUESE?

Barbara Googles some more.

HAZEL: I think he’s-

BARBARA: SPANISH!

Barbara drops her phone.

HAZEL: Barbara have you had your pills?

BARBARA: Is Denzel even from Washington?!

Hazel goes to the bathroom to get Barbara’s pills.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Belgium vs Russia (Group H)

Cornwall. 22nd June 2014. 16.45pm – 15 minutes before kick off.

Barbara, 96, is sat waiting for the Belgium game to start, reading up on their squad.

Hazel, 96, prepares to go to the news agents.

BARBARA: Barbara, can you name any of the Belgium squad?

HAZEL: What? Couldn’t even hazard a guess, to be honest.

BARBARA: That’s one.

HAZEL: What?

BARBARA: Can you name another?

HAZEL: Hazel, I have to run. Sorry to be a bore.

BARBARA: Oh, nice, half his name. That’s two.

HAZEL: You really can be annoying company sometimes.

BARBARA: THREE!

HAZEL: Leave me alone. I’m off to the shops.

BARBARA: OK. Sorry. You know what you’re getting?

HAZEL: More-or-less

BARBARA: FOUR!

HAZEL: What?

BARBARA: Go on. Get a fifth…

HAZEL: A fifth? Didn’t even know the four-

BARBARA: FIVE!

HAZEL: PISS OFF!

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Nigeria vs Bosnia-Herzegovina (Group F)

Cornwall. 21st June 2014. 23.30pm – 30 minutes after kick off.

Hazel, 94, and Barbara, 96, are sat on the sofa watching the game.

Barbara looks at Hazel.

BARBARA: Ever been to Nigeria?

HAZEL: (Thinks) Nope.

BARBARA: Bosnia and Herz?

HAZEL: Herzegovina-

BARBARA: BLESS YOU! HAHAHAHA.

HAZEL: (Sighs) Go to bed, Barbara.

BARBARA: Righto.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Germany vs Ghana (Group G)

Cornwall. 21st June 2014. 20.15pm – 15 minutes after kick off.

Hazel, 94, and Barbara, 96, are sat on the sofa watching the Germany vs Ghana game.

Barbara lifts up her skirt slightly to itch her thigh. Hazel spots a big graze on Barbara’s knee.

HAZEL: Oh dear, Barbara, what happened?!

BARBARA: Oh, that?

Barbara reveals her other knee, covered in sores.

BARBARA: Was doing Klinsmanns earlier.

HAZEL: Blimey, that’s a bit dangerous. Where?

BARBARA: On the floor.

HAZEL: Here?

BARBARA: Nah, next door. Those Klinsmann boys love taking their turns on me…

Barbara winks.

BARBARA: On all fours…

HAZEL: (Pause) You slipped in the bath again, didn’t you?

BARBAA: Yep, arse over tit.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Argentina vs Iran (Group F)

Cornwall. 21st June 2014. 17.45pm – Half time.

Hazel, 94, is sat on the sofa, staring at her watch, tutting.

The front door slams open, Barbara runs into the living room, sweating all over.

HAZEL: You’re late.

BARBARA: I know, I know-

HAZEL: I can’t believe you’re late to ANOTHER game!

BARBARA: I’m sorry, sorry. I got caught up at the park.

HAZEL: Especially with my Iranian heritage. This is a big game for me.

BARBARA: Hazel, I’m so sorry.

HAZEL: Why are you sweaty?

BARBARA: I realised the time

Barbara looks at the TV to see what game is playing and smiles.

BARBARA: I realised what game it was and how important it is to you

Barbara smiles.

BARBARA: So… I run

HAZEL: You mean ‘I ran’.

BARBARA: DAMMIT!

© Carl Burkitt 2014