Costa Rica vs England and Italy vs Uruguay (Group D)

Cornwall. 24th June 2014. 17.00pm – Kick off.

Hazel, 94, is sat on the sofa as the Italy vs Uruguay game kicks off.

Barbara, 96, enters the living room dressed as a bulldog.

HAZEL: What the, what on Earth have you got on?

BARBARA: Why aren’t you watching the England game?

HAZEL: Well, I can flick over later but-

BARBARA: Why aren’t you watching the England game?

HAZEL: We’re out, the Italy game means more for the group and the tournament as a whole.

BARBARA: What do you mean, we’re “out”.

HAZEL: Seriously?

Barbara looks at Hazel, blankly.

HAZEL: England lost both of their games.

BARBARA: Right…?

HAZEL: And other results mean they cannot qualify.

BARBARA: Ye with little faith.

HAZEL: Ye with little brains.

BARBARA: Hmm?

HAZEL: Barbara, England are out.

BARBARA: But what if we win?

HAZEL: They’ll only have three points. Costa Rica currently have six, Italy and Uruguay both have three.

BARBARA: What if we win and Italy win?

HAZEL: Costa Rica and Italy will have six points, England and Uruguay will have three. Putting England out.

BARBARA: What if we win and Uruguay win?

HAZEL: Wh…the same… Costa Rica and Uruguay will have six points, England and Italy will have three. Putting England out.

BARBARA: …What if we win but Italy and Uruguay draw?

HAZEL: Jesus. Costa Rica will have six points, Italy and Uruguay will have four points and England will have three. Putting England out.

BARBARA: So you’re saying we have no chance?

HAZEL: NO! WE’RE OUT!

BARBARA: So there’s NO way we can go through?

HAZEL: Bloody hell! If Lampard scores a goal so powerfully it breaks through the very fabric of time, and lands in the top corner of Uruguay’s goal last Thursday, TWICE, making it 3-2, then yeah, maybe we COULD go through tonight.

BARBARA: So you’re saying there is a chance?!

HAZEL: No I-

Barbara kicks Hazel to the ground and flicks over to ITV.

BARBARA: COME ON ENGLAND, COME ON ENGLAND, COME ON ENGLAND.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

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