Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers – A 15-Year-Too-Late Review

Yesterday, Saturday 20th May 2017, I watched Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers for the first time ever – 15 years after it was released.

Here’s what I thought…

  • Gollum has cracking cheek bones
  • Man flesh stinks
  • How is the marshland water on fire?
  • Sam looks an awful lot like a guy I used to work with
  • They’re taking the Hobbits to Isengard
  • Shadowfax is FIT
  • Gandolf the White can’t half whistle
  • Aragorn is 87?
  • Agent Smith just doesn’t understand love
  • This must’ve been very expensive to make
  • When does Legolas replenish his arrows?
  • The trees looks like the Cheesestring mascot
  • Frodo and Sam haven’t kissed yet

© Carl Burkitt 2017

    Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring – A 16-Year-Too-Late Review

    Yesterday, Sunday 14th May 2017, I watched Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring for the first time ever – 16 years after it was released.

    Here’s what I thought…

    • Hobbits are slow, simple creatures. So they have West Country accents, obviously.
    • Viggo Mortensen is fucking gorgeous
    • If you wear the ring you go invisible and dream of a fiery vagina
    • The man from Lost has a voice as distracting as his voice in Lost
    • The Orcs are bloody efficient construction workers
    • Just like Harry Potter, Frodo has his own pet Weasley called ‘Sam’
    • Cate Blanchett is boring and looks like Orlando Bloom (generous with gifts, though)
    • After a week on the road, the Hobbits haven’t even grown any stubble
    • Sean Bean
    • Hobbits have short swords too. Seems pointless and unfair
    • It was very kind of Peter Jackson to give the role of Legolas to someone from an Am Dram society
    • Elves, Dwarves, Hobbits and Men are all terribly, terribly white

    © Carl Burkitt 2017

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