Yesterday, Sunday 14th May 2017, I watched Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring for the first time ever – 16 years after it was released.

Here’s what I thought…

• Hobbits are slow, simple creatures. So they have West Country accents, obviously.
• Viggo Mortensen is fucking gorgeous
• If you wear the ring you go invisible and dream of a fiery vagina
• The man from Lost has a voice as distracting as his voice in Lost
• The Orcs are bloody efficient construction workers
• Just like Harry Potter, Frodo has his own pet Weasley called ‘Sam’
• Cate Blanchett is boring and looks like Orlando Bloom (generous with gifts, though)
• After a week on the road, the Hobbits haven’t even grown any stubble
• Sean Bean
• Hobbits have short swords too. Seems pointless and unfair
• It was very kind of Peter Jackson to give the role of Legolas to someone from an Am Dram society
• Elves, Dwarves, Hobbits and Men are all terribly, terribly white

© Carl Burkitt 2017