Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring – A 16-Year-Too-Late Review

Yesterday, Sunday 14th May 2017, I watched Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring for the first time ever – 16 years after it was released.

Here’s what I thought…

  • Hobbits are slow, simple creatures. So they have West Country accents, obviously.
  • Viggo Mortensen is fucking gorgeous
  • If you wear the ring you go invisible and dream of a fiery vagina
  • The man from Lost has a voice as distracting as his voice in Lost
  • The Orcs are bloody efficient construction workers
  • Just like Harry Potter, Frodo has his own pet Weasley called ‘Sam’
  • Cate Blanchett is boring and looks like Orlando Bloom (generous with gifts, though)
  • After a week on the road, the Hobbits haven’t even grown any stubble
  • Sean Bean
  • Hobbits have short swords too. Seems pointless and unfair
  • It was very kind of Peter Jackson to give the role of Legolas to someone from an Am Dram society
  • Elves, Dwarves, Hobbits and Men are all terribly, terribly white

© Carl Burkitt 2017