Cornwall. 28th June 2014. 21.00pm – Kick off.

Barbara, 96, and Hazel, 94, are sat on the sofa watching the Colombia vs Uruguay game.

Barbara starts laughing hysterically.

HAZEL: You OK?

BARBARA: HAHAHAHAHA

HAZEL: …

BARBARA: HAHAHAHAHA

HAZEL: What’s-

BARBARA: HAHAHAHAHA OH MY GOD HAZEL

HAZEL: What?

BARBARA: HAVE YOU HAHAHAHAHAHA

HAZEL: …

BARBARA: HAVE YOU EVER REALISED HAHAHAHAHA

HAZEL: …

BARBARA: THAT URUGUAY

HAZEL: Yes?

BARBARA: SOUNDS LIKE-

HAZEL: For Christ’s sake

BARBARA: HAHAHAHAHA

HAZEL: Yes, yes, it’s been said a million-

BARBARA: YOU’RE A GUY!!

HAZEL: Oh-

BARBARA: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 28th June 2014. 17.30pm – 30 minutes after kick off.

Hazel, 94, is sat on the sofa watching the Brazil game.

Barbara, 96, enters the living room, wearing a black leather jacket. She pauses and slicks her hair back with a little comb.

Hazel rolls her eyes.

HAZEL: Greece aren’t playing.

BARBARA: I know.

HAZEL: Then why are you dressed like that, again?

BARBARA: My Bridge Club sweepstake pick.

HAZEL: What?

BARBARA: …I got Chhiiiiiiiiiilll-

HAZEL: I hate you.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 26th June 2014. 21.00pm – Kick off.

A worse for wear Barbara, 96, is sat on the sofa with a flannel on her head, watching the Algeria vs Russia game with Hazel, 94.

BARBARA: We’ve already seen this.

HAZEL: What?

BARBARA: This game. We’ve seen it.

HAZEL: It’s literally just started.

BARBARA: No. We’ve seen it.

HAZEL: We haven’t, trust me.

BARBARA: They played the other day.

HAZEL: No, they played the other teams in their group the other day – South Korea and Belgium.

BARBARA: What?

HAZEL: Huh?

BARBARA: What do you mean?

HAZEL: What?

BARBARA: What do you mean, “other teams in their group”?

HAZEL: What?!

BARBARA: Hmm?

HAZEL: Are you kidding?

BARBARA: No…

HAZEL: We…

BARBARA: Other teams?

HAZEL: Yeah…

BARBARA: …

HAZEL: In their group!

BARBARA: You’ve lost me.

HAZEL: This is the last of the group games…

Barbara looks blankly.

HAZEL: I…there… there are 32 teams split across eight groups…

BARBARA: …

HAZEL: Each team in each group plays each other…

BARBARA: …

HAZEL: Top two go through.

BARBARA: Wait.

HAZEL: What?

BARBARA: There’s been (pause) 48 games?!

HAZEL: …Yes

BARBARA: We’ve seen all of them?

HAZEL: Other than a couple, yeah.

BARBARA: Seriously?

HAZEL: YES!

BARBARA: …

HAZEL: Are you OK?

BARBARA: Hazel, I’m scared.

Barbara walks upstairs to bed.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 26th June 2014. 17.00pm – Kick off.

Hazel, 94, walks into the living room, from the kitchen, excited for the USA vs Germany game and to carry on hers and Barbara’s, 96, tradition of both preparing food of one of the nations involved in the last day of the group stages.

Hazel sighs.

HAZEL: Afterno-

BARBARA: U.S.-

Barbara falls off the sofa into a pile of empty Budweiser cans.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 25th June 2014. 20.55pm – Five minutes before kick off.

Hazel, 94, and Barbara, 96, are watching the build up to the Honduras vs Switzerland game.

The squad lists appear on the screen.

BARBARA: HA!

HAZEL: What?

BARBARA: Nothing.

Hazel looks at the screen.

HAZEL: You’re laughing at the fact ‘Phillipe Senderos’ sounds vaguely like ‘Honduras’, aren’t you…?

BARBARA: Words are ace!

HAZEL: They certainly are.

Hazel smiles.

HAZEL: What are your favourite words?

BARBARA: ‘Patronising’ and ‘bitch’, I reckon.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 25th June 2014. 17.00pm – Kick off.

Hazel, 94, is sat watching the Bosnia-Herzegovina vs Iran game.

Barbara, 96, is next to her on the sofa, twiddling her thumbs.

BARBARA: Bosnia vs Iran, eh?

HAZEL: Yep

BARBARA: Herzegovina

HAZEL: Yep

BARBARA: Herzegovina

HAZEL: mhmm

BARBARA: Go vin YA

HAZEL: …

BARBARA: Goooo viiiiiiin yaaaaaa-

Hazel tuts and changes the channel to the Nigeria vs Argentina game.

Barbara nods.

BARBARA: Thanking you.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 24th June 2014. 21.00pm – Kick off.

Hazel, 94, is sat on the sofa.

Barbara, 96, enters the living room, wearing a black leather jacket. She pauses and slicks her hair back with a little comb.

BARBARA: What game you watching?

HAZEL: Greece.

BARBARA: Uh well-a well-a-

HAZEL: Don’t you fucking dare.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 24th June 2014. 17.00pm – Kick off.

Hazel, 94, is sat on the sofa as the Italy vs Uruguay game kicks off.

Barbara, 96, enters the living room dressed as a bulldog.

HAZEL: What the, what on Earth have you got on?

BARBARA: Why aren’t you watching the England game?

HAZEL: Well, I can flick over later but-

BARBARA: Why aren’t you watching the England game?

HAZEL: We’re out, the Italy game means more for the group and the tournament as a whole.

BARBARA: What do you mean, we’re “out”.

HAZEL: Seriously?

Barbara looks at Hazel, blankly.

HAZEL: England lost both of their games.

BARBARA: Right…?

HAZEL: And other results mean they cannot qualify.

BARBARA: Ye with little faith.

HAZEL: Ye with little brains.

BARBARA: Hmm?

HAZEL: Barbara, England are out.

BARBARA: But what if we win?

HAZEL: They’ll only have three points. Costa Rica currently have six, Italy and Uruguay both have three.

BARBARA: What if we win and Italy win?

HAZEL: Costa Rica and Italy will have six points, England and Uruguay will have three. Putting England out.

BARBARA: What if we win and Uruguay win?

HAZEL: Wh…the same… Costa Rica and Uruguay will have six points, England and Italy will have three. Putting England out.

BARBARA: …What if we win but Italy and Uruguay draw?

HAZEL: Jesus. Costa Rica will have six points, Italy and Uruguay will have four points and England will have three. Putting England out.

BARBARA: So you’re saying we have no chance?

HAZEL: NO! WE’RE OUT!

BARBARA: So there’s NO way we can go through?

HAZEL: Bloody hell! If Lampard scores a goal so powerfully it breaks through the very fabric of time, and lands in the top corner of Uruguay’s goal last Thursday, TWICE, making it 3-2, then yeah, maybe we COULD go through tonight.

BARBARA: So you’re saying there is a chance?!

HAZEL: No I-

Barbara kicks Hazel to the ground and flicks over to ITV.

BARBARA: COME ON ENGLAND, COME ON ENGLAND, COME ON ENGLAND.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 23rd June 2014. 21.10pm – 10 minutes after kick off.

Hazel, 94, is sat on the living room sofa with Barbara, 96, watching the Brazil game on ITV.

Hazel giggles.

HAZEL: Hey, Barbara. What did the confusing horse say when his mum asked if he wanted a player’s name on the back of his Brazilian shirt?

BARBARA: I dunno, what did the confusing horse say when his mum asked if he wanted a player’s name on the back of his Brazilian shirt?

HAZEL: NEYMAR! Hehehe.

BARBARA: Good choice.

HAZEL: Hehe- wait, what?

BARBARA: He’s a good player.

HAZEL: No it’s-

BARBARA: I’d probably get Neymar on my shirt.

HAZEL: No Bar-

BARBARA: I didn’t know they sold football shirts for horses.

HAZEL: They don’t, it’s a-

BARBARA: Would they wear shorts too?

Hazel tuts and turns the channel to ITV 4 to check out Croatia vs Mexico.

BARBARA: Eurgh, Modric, what an ugly bastard. Now if my mum asked me if I wanted his name on my shirt I’d say “NO MA!”

Hazel stares at Barbara, waiting for it to sink in.

Barbara pauses and grins.

HAZEL: …You get it?

Barbara farts.

BARBARA: Oof, bloody wind. Get what?

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 23rd June 2014. 17.00pm – Kick off.

Hazel, 94, and Barbara, 96, are watching the Netherlands vs Chile game.

BARBARA: Can’t wait for the Australia vs Spain game.

HAZEL: It’s-

BARBARA: Been excited ALL day.

HAZEL: But-

BARBARA: I hope Massimo Luongo gets picked for Australia.

HAZEL: Barb-

BARBARA: It’ll be a fairy tale for the young lad.

HAZEL: Th-

BARBARA: Sold by Tottenham to League One club Swindon.

HAZEL: It’s

BARBARA: Only the third Swindon player in history to play in a World Cup.

HAZEL: BARBARA!

BARBARA: Yes?

HAZEL: The Australia game is on right now.

Barbara messes up Hazel’s hair.

BARBARA: Don’t be silly, it’s the Netherlands vs Chile game now. Haha.

HAZEL: No, Barbara, this week the final group games are played at the same time.

BARBARA: WHAT?!

HAZEL: I guess it’s so they don’t have to worry about the other result and can just play their game.

BARBARA: Oh man, I want to see Massimo!

HAZEL: I’m sorry.

Hazel pats Barbara’s back.

HAZEL: Why do you care so much about an Australian playing for Swindon, anyway?

Barbara blushes.

BARBARA: Trying to impress a sexy, tall guy I know…

Barbara winks at the camera.

© Carl Burkitt 2014