Cornwall. 5th July 2014. 17.45pm – Half time.

Hazel, 94, is sat on the sofa waiting the game alone. She hears the toilet flush and Barbara, 96, walks down the stairs and enters the room wearing a Belgium shirt.

Hazel looks at Barbara’s face and then her hands.

HAZEL: Jesus! Why are you so covered in chocolate?

BARBARA: Yes…

Barbara coughs.

BARBARA: …Chocolate…

Hazel looks at the ground.

HAZEL: Christ.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 4th July 2014. 20.35pm – 25 minutes before kick off.

Barbara, 96, and Hazel, 94, are sat on the sofa.

Barbara laughs reading the hook of the BBC Sport preview of the Brazil vs Colombia game.

BARBARA: “Brazil star Neymar will be fit despite suffering blows to his thigh and knee against Chile.”

HAZEL: Right.

BARBARA: Players are just so wet these days.

HAZEL: Thighs and knees are pretty vulnerable, Barbara.

BARBARA: To a gust of wind?!

HAZEL: Eh?

BARBARA: “Despite suffering blows to his thigh and knee.”

HAZEL: No, it means-

BARBARA: I mean seriously! A little blow of air! Such wetties.

Hazel gently blows on the back of Barbara’s neck.

BARBARA: Jesus! There a draft in here?

Hazel smiles and blows really hard.

BARBARA: SHIT!

Barbara falls off the sofa, her shoulder popping out of its socket.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 4th July 2014. 16.50pm – 10 minutes before kick off.

Barbara, 96, is sat on the sofa trying to guess the charade a stood up Hazel, 94, is acting out.

Hazel puts up four fingers.

BARBARA: Fourth word.

Hazel grabs her earlobe.

BARBARA: Sounds like.

Hazel points at Barbara’s A3 canvas print of Phil and Gary Neville.

BARBARA: Legends!

Hazel shakes her head.

BARBARA: Sounds like… Nevilles?

Hazel points to Gary, then to Phil.

BARBARA: Ah! Brothers!

Hazel nods.

BARBARA: The Lives of Brothers?

Hazel grabs her earlobe.

BARBARA: Brothers, smother, mother, others. Others.

Hazel smiles.

BARBARA: THE LIVES OF OTHERS!

HAZEL: YES!

Barbara and Hazel high-five as Hazel sits down.

BARBARA: Get in. Great film, that.

HAZEL: It is, isn’t it? Righto. Your turn.

BARBARA: Can’t we stop now?

HAZEL: Aww, don’t be like that.

BARBARA: I love games, but I’m tired, hungry, and ready for the France game.

HAZEL: And you always say I’m the grumpy, boring one…

BARBARA: Fine. Fine.

Barbara stands up.

Barbara puts four fingers up.

HAZEL: Four words.

Barbara nods.

HAZEL: Wait, what is it?

Barbara opens her mouth and mimics talking.

HAZEL: Not this again. We have always played film, TV show or book. You can’t go chucking in “famous phrase” whenever you feel like it.

Barbara frowns at Hazel.

BARBARA: If you want me to play…

HAZEL: OK, OK.

Barbara opens her mouth and mimics talking.

HAZEL: Yes, yes, famous phrase.

Barbara sticks up one finger.

HAZEL: First word.

Barbara pretends to pick something up.

HAZEL: Pick up.

Barbara shakes her head.

HAZEL: Baby… Grab… Hold…

Barbara walks to the other side of the room, pretends to pick something up and walks back.

HAZEL: Collect… Bring…

Barbara grabs her earlobe.

HAZEL: Sounds like…

Barbara points at a picture of Hazel’s mother on the mantel piece.

HAZEL: Bet! GET!

Barbara nods.

Barbra sticks up two fingers.

HAZEL: Second word.

Barbara looks around the room. She spots her purse and points at it.

HAZEL: Purse. Money.

Barbara points at the purse and then at herself.

HAZEL: Purse. Purse, you. Your purse. Empty!

Barbara frowns. She spots her slippers on the floor next to Hazel’s slippers.

Barbara points at her slippers.

HAZEL: Slippers.

Barbara points at the slippers and then at herself.

HAZEL: Your slippers.

Barbara points at Hazel’s slippers.

HAZEL: Mine.

Barbara points at Hazel’s slippers and at Hazel.

HAZEL: My slip-

Barbara nods at Hazel.

HAZEL: MY?!

Barbara nods.

HAZEL: Get my. Famous phrase. Get my.

Barbara lies on the floor on her back, her legs spread and in the air.

HAZEL: What the?

Barbara starts gyrating and thrusting.

HAZEL: Um… Sex. Filthy. Dirty. Shagging.

Barbara nods.

Barbara bites her bottom lip and moves pelvis faster.

HAZEL: Shagging? Boning. Humping…

Barbara gets on her knees and puts her right hand, face down, in front her groin.

She closes her eyes, tilts her head back and thrusts incredibly hard.

HAZEL: Doggy. Anal.

Barbara pretends to slap an imaginary bum.

HAZEL: Bumming. Porking.

Barbara thrusts even harder.

HAZEL: Fucking. FUCKING!

Barbara jumps to her feet and nods.

HAZEL: Get my fucking-

Barbara puts four fingers up.

HAZEL: Fourth word.

Barbara forms a triangle with her hands.

HAZEL: Triangle.

Barbara shakes her head.

HAZEL: Famous phrase?

Barbara nods and holds her hands in the triangle shape.

HAZEL: Triangle! Pyramid. Hands. Spear?!

Barbara shakes her head.

HAZEL: Vagina? Arrow?

Barbara points towards the kitchen and pretends to bite the triangle her hands are shaped as.

HAZEL: Kitchen? Bite? Pizza? CHEESE?

Barbara nods excitedly.

HAZEL: Cheese? Stilton. Cheddar.

Barbara stares at Hazel.

HAZEL: Edam? Brie? BRIE! GET MY FUCKING BRIE!

BARBARA: YES!

HAZEL! WEYHEEEY- Wait. What?

BARBARA: Hmm?

HAZEL: That’s not a phrase.

BARBARA: Get my fucking Brie.

HAZEL: Yeah.

BARBARA: Get my fucking Brie?

HAZEL: It’s not a phrase!

Barbara glares aggressively at Hazel.

BARBARA: Hazel.

HAZEL: (Coughs uncomfortably) Yes?

BARBARA: Get. My. Fucking. Brie.

Hazel stands up, intimidated, and heads to the kitchen.

Barbara sits down.

BARBARA: Did not think that would work.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 1st July 2014. 21.30pm – 30 minutes after kick off.

Hazel, 94, and Barbara, 96, are watching the Belgium vs USA game. It’s 30 minutes in, the score is 0-0.

HAZEL: Nil-nil, eh?

BARBARA: mmm…

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 1st July 2014. 17.00pm – Kick off.

Barbara, 96, and Hazel, 94, are sat watching the game.

HAZEL: If I was an inanimate object, what would I be?

BARBARA: Easy, Swiss Army Knife.

Hazel smiles.

HAZEL: Is that because I’m incredibly useful and everyone should have one?

BARBARA: Nah, I watched you getting changed last night and noticed your gross, full-body rash is back.

HAZEL: I-

BARBARA: Minging.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 30th June 2014. 21.00pm – Kick off.

Barbara, 96, and Hazel, 94, are sat on the sofa watching the game.

BARBARA: Who’s Germany’s number 11?

HAZEL: Klose.

Barbara grabs Hazel’s head and shoves her lips on her ears.

BARBARA: WHO’S GERMANY’S NUMBER 11?!

Barbara laughs hysterically as Hazel rubs her ears.

HAZEL: Jesus.

BARBARA: Haha, too close?

HAZEL: Yeah.

Hazel looks at her lap.

BARBARA: I’m just glad Rod Fanni didn’t play for France earlier.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 30th June 2014. 17.10pm – 10 minutes after kick off.

Barbara, 96, and Hazel, 94, are sat on the sofa watching the France vs Nigeria game.

Hazel turns to Barbara.

HAZEL: Ever been to Nigeria?

BARBARA: Yeah.

HAZEL: Really?

BARBARA: Yeah.

HAZEL: When?

BARBARA: Years ago.

HAZEL: Like it?

BARBARA: Was horrible.

HAZEL: What?

BARBARA: No food.

HAZEL: Well-

BARBARA: Full of people dancing about muttering nonsense.

HAZEL: Right-

BARBARA: Always raining.

HAZEL: Raining?-

BARBARA: Too many kids.

HAZEL: I-

BARBARA: Bit of a shit hole, actually.

HAZEL: Oh wow, OK. I thought it was wonderful. Such a diverse country offering a look into a completely different way of life compared to our-

BARBARA: Country?

HAZEL: What?

BARBARA: Butlins isn’t a country.

HAZEL: Butlins?

BARBARA: You asked me if I’ve been to Butlins.

HAZEL: I asked if you’ve been to Nigeria.

BARBARA: Oh. No.

Hazel looks at Barbara.

BARBARA: Butlins is shit.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 29th June 2014. 21.00pm – Kick off.

Barbara, 96, is sat watching the game.

Hazel, 94, walks into the living room.

HAZEL: Who you routing for, then?

BARBARA: The Smelly Coffee Shops.

HAZEL: Hmm?

BARBARA: Costa Rica…

Hazel sits down, refusing to smile at the hilarious joke.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 29th June 2014. 17.15pm – 15 minutes after kick off.

Hazel, 94, is sat on the sofa focused intently on the performance of Netherlands, her sweepstake pick.

Barbara, 96, walks in, smiling.

BARBARA: Wanna hear a jo-

HAZEL: Piss off, Barbara.

© Carl Burkitt 2014