She came home

She came home three weeks ago, skipping down the hall like she does. “Eyes closed, hands out,” she said. “I’ve got a surprise for you!” The second I closed them, I heard a thud. I’m yet to open my eyes – I’d hate to ruin the surprise – but when I do, I think I’m going to give the flat a clean. It stinks.

© Carl Burkitt 2017

Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers – A 15-Year-Too-Late Review

Yesterday, Saturday 20th May 2017, I watched Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers for the first time ever – 15 years after it was released.

Here’s what I thought…

  • Gollum has cracking cheek bones
  • Man flesh stinks
  • How is the marshland water on fire?
  • Sam looks an awful lot like a guy I used to work with
  • They’re taking the Hobbits to Isengard
  • Shadowfax is FIT
  • Gandolf the White can’t half whistle
  • Aragorn is 87?
  • Agent Smith just doesn’t understand love
  • This must’ve been very expensive to make
  • When does Legolas replenish his arrows?
  • The trees looks like the Cheesestring mascot
  • Frodo and Sam haven’t kissed yet

© Carl Burkitt 2017

    Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring – A 16-Year-Too-Late Review

    Yesterday, Sunday 14th May 2017, I watched Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring for the first time ever – 16 years after it was released.

    Here’s what I thought…

    • Hobbits are slow, simple creatures. So they have West Country accents, obviously.
    • Viggo Mortensen is fucking gorgeous
    • If you wear the ring you go invisible and dream of a fiery vagina
    • The man from Lost has a voice as distracting as his voice in Lost
    • The Orcs are bloody efficient construction workers
    • Just like Harry Potter, Frodo has his own pet Weasley called ‘Sam’
    • Cate Blanchett is boring and looks like Orlando Bloom (generous with gifts, though)
    • After a week on the road, the Hobbits haven’t even grown any stubble
    • Sean Bean
    • Hobbits have short swords too. Seems pointless and unfair
    • It was very kind of Peter Jackson to give the role of Legolas to someone from an Am Dram society
    • Elves, Dwarves, Hobbits and Men are all terribly, terribly white

    © Carl Burkitt 2017

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      Egg

      Jimmy found an egg.

      It was poking out of the baby bush that had recently started growing in his front garden.

      He picked it up and took it inside. He placed it on the kitchen counter and stared at it. How did it get here? Why did it get here? He was fascinated by it.

      It was just your classic hen’s egg – a few inches tall, a couple of inches wide, a pinky beige colour, etc – but for some reason Jimmy loved it. He wanted to take care of it. He wanted to nurture it.

      His wife told him to stop being stupid.

      ‘It’s just an egg,’ she said. ‘It’s clearly just fallen out of our shopping. Look, here’s the pack of 12 eggs we literally just bought. There’s one missing. Now put it back and help me put the rest of the stuff away.’

      Jimmy picked up the egg, walked into the living room and told his wife to ‘fuck off’.

      He sat himself on the floor, removed his socks and laid them down to make a little nest. Jimmy placed the egg on top and gently cupped his hands over it.

      ‘Come on, Jim’ his wife snapped from the kitchen. ‘I need you to help!’

      Jimmy stayed motionless, silently smiling at his hands.

      She poked her head through the doorway. ‘Jim-‘

      ‘Sshhh,’ he replied. ‘I’m trying to look after this poor thing.’

      ‘Are you serious?’

      ‘Sshhh.’

      Jimmy’s daughter wandered in to the room. ‘What’s that, Daddy?’ she asked.

      ‘Sshhh.’

      ‘That’s it,’ said Jimmy’s wife. ‘Come on dear, say goodbye to Daddy. We’re going to Grandma’s!’

      As the door slammed, Jimmy’s shoulders relaxed.

      After 12 weeks the egg still hadn’t hatched, but his life certainly felt quieter. Easier. Less full.

      © Carl Burkitt 2017