Cornwall. 20th June 2014. 23.00pm – Kick off.

Barbara, 96, is sat on the sofa scratching her head. She turns to Hazel, 94.

BARBARA: …Hazel?

HAZEL: Mm?

BARBARA: Wh…Where is Honduras?

HAZEL: It’s bordered with El Salvador.

BARBARA: …

HAZEL: It’s next to Nicaragua.

BARBARA: …

HAZEL: Which is next to Costa Rica.

BARBARA: …

HAZEL: Which is next to Panama.

BARBARA: PRISON BREAK!

HAZEL: Yeah

Hazel taps Barbara’s head.

HAZEL: Prison Break.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 20th June 2014. 20.00pm – Kick off.

Hazel, 94, is sat on the living room sofa with Barbara, 96, in a weirdly awkward silence for such close friends. Hazel turns to Barbara.

HAZEL: Did you know that Switzerland has four official languages-

BARBARA: Mm?

HAZEL: None of which is used on their stamps?

BARBARA: No.

HAZEL: They use Latin on their stamps.

BARBARA: I don’t really care.

Hazel looks around the room struggling to think of something to say.

HAZEL: Did you know Renée Zellweger is half Swiss?

BARBARA: Could’ve guessed, really.

Barbara yawns.

HAZEL: Did you know the Swiss roll isn’t from Switzerland?

BARBARA: TAKE IT BACK!

HAZEL: It’s true. Apparently its origin is ‘Central Europe’ and the name is simply misleading.

Barbara does a quick Google search of ‘Swiss roll’.

BARBARA: FUCK!

Barbara passes out.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 20th June 2014. 17.00pm – Kick off.

Hazel, 94, is sat on the sofa. Barbara, 96, walks into the living room and places, on the coffee table, a massive plate of carbonara, a bowl of pesto pasta, a dish of lasagne, a plate of bolognese, three large pizzas and two sticks of garlic bread.

HAZEL: Jesus Christ, Barbara. That’s a lot of food for just us two.

Barbara takes a mouthful of carbonara.

BARBARA: It’s not for us. It’s for me.

Barbara has a bite of pepperoni pizza.

HAZEL: Blimey. Why’ve you got so much?!

Barbara spoons bolognese and a slice of garlic bread into her mouth.

BARBARA: Carb-loading, ain’t I?

Barbara eats a fist of pesto pasta.

HAZEL: For what?

Barbara shoves more pizza in her gob.

BARBARA: …eh?

HAZEL: What are you carb-loading for?

Barbara scoops lasagne up with garlic bread.

BARBARA: Dunno

HAZEL: What do you mean you don’t know?

Barbara rolls a slice of pizza up in a ball and chews on it.

BARBARA: Just heard it’s good to do.

Barbara shoves more pesto pasta in.

HAZEL: Jesus. Yeah it’s good if you’re planning an endurance event in a few days.

Barbara bites the lasagne.

BARBARA: Why?

HAZEL: It helps increase your energy. Seriously, you should stop-

BARBARA: I could beat you in a race.

HAZEL: Ha.

BARBARA: Let’s go, right now.

HAZEL: Don’t be stup-

BARBARA: Scared?

Barbara takes a fork full of carbonara and slowly slides it in her mouth, winking at Hazel.

HAZEL: Let’s do this.

Hazel and Barbara walk out to their back garden.

HAZEL: First one to the fence and back.

Barbara nods.

HAZEL: On your marks.

Barbara sucks up some spaghetti.

HAZEL: Get set.

Barbara pops a portion of garlic bread in her mouth.

HAZEL: GO!

Barbara vomits all over Hazel’s back.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 19th June 2014. 23.00pm – Kick off.

Hazel, 94, is sat on the sofa nibbling some sushi. Hazel offers some to Barbara, 96.

HAZEL: Sushi?

BARBARA: She what?

HAZEL: What?

BARBARA: Hmm?

HAZEL: Sushi?

BARBARA: Go on…she what?

HAZEL: Who?

BARBARA: Sue.

HAZEL: What?!

BARBARA: SUE! She what?! What did Sue do?!

HAZEL: I…um…nothing.

Barbara looks at Hazel’s hand.

BARBARA: Ooh, sushi, let’s get some!

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 19th June 2014. 7.45pm – 15 minutes before kick off.

Hazel, 94, and Barbara, 96, are walking to the living room from the kitchen. Barbara is incredibly excited about the England game.

BARBARA: OHMYGODICAN’TWAIT

HAZEL: OK, OK, calm down.

BARBARA: Sorry! Sorry.

HAZEL: It’s OK.

BARBARA: Wanna hear a joke? A football joke?

HAZEL: Sure.

BARBARA: Knock knock

HAZEL: Who’s there?

BARBARA: Coleen Rooney.

HAZEL: Coleen Rooney wh-

Barbara kicks Hazel to the ground.

BARBARA: COME ON ENGLAND, COME ON ENGLAND, COME ON ENGLAND!

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 19th June 2014. 17.00pm – Kick off.

Hazel, 94, is sat on the sofa wearing a black bald cap and an Ivory Coast football shirt with ‘Zokora’ on the back.

Barbara, 96, enters the living room wearing a blue floral dress.

HAZEL: Oh, Barbara!

BARBARA: What?

HAZEL: Today is our traditional ‘Most Capped Player Day’. You promised you’d take part this year. I’ve come dressed as Didier Zokora. You were supposed to come as Colombia’s Carlos Valderrama.

BARBARA: I have!

HAZEL: No you haven’t!

BARBARA: I have!

HAZEL: You’re wearing a dress! Plus, wears his massive blonde, curly afro?

Barbara lifts up the bottom of her dress in Hazel’s direction.

HAZEL: You’re a fucking animal.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 18th June 2014. 23.10pm – Ten minutes after kick off.

Hazel, 94, and Barbara, 96, are sat on the sofa in a bit of a competitive mood.

BARBARA: Yeah, well, did you know this will be the first ever game between Cameroon and Croatia?

HAZEL: Obviously. Did you know Cameroon took 91 minutes to have an effort at goal in their first game against Mexico?

BARBARA: Ha! Of course! Did you know Cameroon have won only one of their 13 World Cup games against European sides, drawing five and losing seven?

HAZEL: Did you know Croatia had Mario Mandzukic available for selection for the first time in this World Cup finals tournament. No player scored more headed goals than the Bayern Munich striker in the top five European leagues in 2013-14, which is seven?

BARBARA: Cameroon have lost their last five World Cup matches; the longest losing streak of any African nation at the tournament.

HAZEL: I’m not an idiot. Did you know Cameroon have played 21 World Cup matches overall and their one shot on target tally against Mexico in the opening game was the fewest they’ve ever mustered in a WC finals match.

BARBARA: Well, did you know I can do a hand stand?

Barbara does a hand stand.

HAZEL: Did you know I can do a cartwheel?

Hazel does a cartwheel.

BARBARA: HA! Did you know I can do a fucking front flip?!

Barbara does a front flip, wobbling slightly as she lands.

HAZEL: Yeah, well, did you know…did you know I can do…do a back flip?

BARBARA: …

Hazel does a back flip, landing neatly on her feet.

Barbara tiptoes backwards upstairs.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 18th June 2014. 20.30pm – 30 minutes after kick off.

Hazel, 94, is sat on the sofa. Barbara, 96, walks down the stairs and stands next to her, her right arm behind her back.

BARBARA: Did they ever get those Chilean miners out?

HAZEL: Yeah.

BARBARA: Really?

HAZEL: Like, four years ago.

BARBARA: Thank God.

HAZEL: I guess.

BARBARA: Quite scary, that story, wasn’t it?

HAZEL: Yeah.

BARBARA: Can you imagine being trapped for that long?

HAZEL: No.

BARBARA: It would be horrible, wouldn’t it?

HAZEL: Yeah.

BARBARA: You agree?

HAZEL: Well, yeah, it wouldn’t be nice.

BARBARA: So do you agree that nothing deserves to be trapped in a confined space with seemingly no hope?

HAZEL: Of course.

BARBARA: So if you knew something was lodged with no means of escape, you’d try all that you could to remove it?

HAZEL: Well, yeah, I guess I would.

Barbara moves her right arm from behind her back, revealing a sodden, sticky, brown toilet brush.

BARBARA: Good, ‘cos I’ve done it again.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 18th June 2014. 20.30pm – 30 minutes after kick off.

Hazel, 94, is sat on the sofa. Barbara, 96, walks down the stairs and stands next to her, her right arm behind her back.

BARBARA: Did they ever get those Chilean miners out?

HAZEL: Yeah.

BARBARA: Really?

HAZEL: Like, four years ago.

BARBARA: Thank God.

HAZEL: I guess.

BARBARA: Quite scary, that story, wasn’t it?

HAZEL: Yeah.

BARBARA: Can you imagine being trapped for that long?

HAZEL: No.

BARBARA: It would be horrible, wouldn’t it?

HAZEL: Yeah.

BARBARA: You agree?

HAZEL: Well, yeah, it wouldn’t be nice.

BARBARA: So do you agree that nothing deserves to be trapped in a confined space with seemingly no hope?

HAZEL: Of course.

BARBARA: So if you knew something was lodged with no means of escape, you’d try all that you could to remove it?

HAZEL: Well, yeah, I guess I would.

Barbara moves her right arm from behind her back, revealing a sodden, sticky, brown toilet brush.

BARBARA: Good, ‘cos I’ve done it again.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 18th June 2014. 17.00pm – Kick off.

Hazel, 94, is sat on the sofa as the game kicks off.

She catches the reflection of Barbara, 96, dressed as Peter Pan in the television.

HAZEL: Netherlands.

Barbara turns and walks back upstairs.

© Carl Burkitt 2014