Cornwall. 18th June 2014. 23.10pm – Ten minutes after kick off.
Hazel, 94, and Barbara, 96, are sat on the sofa in a bit of a competitive mood.
BARBARA: Yeah, well, did you know this will be the first ever game between Cameroon and Croatia?
HAZEL: Obviously. Did you know Cameroon took 91 minutes to have an effort at goal in their first game against Mexico?
BARBARA: Ha! Of course! Did you know Cameroon have won only one of their 13 World Cup games against European sides, drawing five and losing seven?
HAZEL: Did you know Croatia had Mario Mandzukic available for selection for the first time in this World Cup finals tournament. No player scored more headed goals than the Bayern Munich striker in the top five European leagues in 2013-14, which is seven?
BARBARA: Cameroon have lost their last five World Cup matches; the longest losing streak of any African nation at the tournament.
HAZEL: I’m not an idiot. Did you know Cameroon have played 21 World Cup matches overall and their one shot on target tally against Mexico in the opening game was the fewest they’ve ever mustered in a WC finals match.
BARBARA: Well, did you know I can do a hand stand?
Barbara does a hand stand.
HAZEL: Did you know I can do a cartwheel?
Hazel does a cartwheel.
BARBARA: HA! Did you know I can do a fucking front flip?!
Barbara does a front flip, wobbling slightly as she lands.
HAZEL: Yeah, well, did you know…did you know I can do…do a back flip?
Hazel does a back flip, landing neatly on her feet.
Barbara wipes her forehead.
Hazel smiles, holds her head, falls backwards, smashing through the coffee table.
Barbara tiptoes backwards upstairs.
© Carl Burkitt 2014