Cornwall. 22nd June 2014. 23.50pm – The middle of half time.

Hazel, 94, is asleep on the sofa.

Barbara, 96, is frantically flicking through her phone.

BARBARA: Holy shit!

Hazel begins to snore.

BARBARA: HAZEL!

Hazel wakes up, startled.

BARBARA: Philadelphia cheese was…was invented in New York.

HAZEL: So…

BARBARA: Reckon that’s why cream cheese is in a New York cheesecake?

HAZEL: Maybe-

BARBARA: WHERE’S TOM HANKS FROM?

Barbara Googles some more.

HAZEL: I’m not-

BARBARA: CALIFORNIA.

HAZEL: Right-

BARBARA: IS ANTONIO BANDERAS PORTUGUESE?

Barbara Googles some more.

HAZEL: I think he’s-

BARBARA: SPANISH!

Barbara drops her phone.

HAZEL: Barbara have you had your pills?

BARBARA: Is Denzel even from Washington?!

Hazel goes to the bathroom to get Barbara’s pills.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 22nd June 2014. 20.00pm – Kick off.

Barbara, 96, is sat on the sofa with Hazel, 94, watching the South Korea vs Algeria game.

Barbara turns to Hazel.

BARBARA: Reckon there’s anyone called Alan Geria?

Hazel shrugs.

HAZEL: Probably.

BARBARA: Mm.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 22nd June 2014. 16.45pm – 15 minutes before kick off.

Barbara, 96, is sat waiting for the Belgium game to start, reading up on their squad.

Hazel, 96, prepares to go to the news agents.

BARBARA: Barbara, can you name any of the Belgium squad?

HAZEL: What? Couldn’t even hazard a guess, to be honest.

BARBARA: That’s one.

HAZEL: What?

BARBARA: Can you name another?

HAZEL: Hazel, I have to run. Sorry to be a bore.

BARBARA: Oh, nice, half his name. That’s two.

HAZEL: You really can be annoying company sometimes.

BARBARA: THREE!

HAZEL: Leave me alone. I’m off to the shops.

BARBARA: OK. Sorry. You know what you’re getting?

HAZEL: More-or-less

BARBARA: FOUR!

HAZEL: What?

BARBARA: Go on. Get a fifth…

HAZEL: A fifth? Didn’t even know the four-

BARBARA: FIVE!

HAZEL: PISS OFF!

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 21st June 2014. 23.30pm – 30 minutes after kick off.

Hazel, 94, and Barbara, 96, are sat on the sofa watching the game.

Barbara looks at Hazel.

BARBARA: Ever been to Nigeria?

HAZEL: (Thinks) Nope.

BARBARA: Bosnia and Herz?

HAZEL: Herzegovina-

BARBARA: BLESS YOU! HAHAHAHA.

HAZEL: (Sighs) Go to bed, Barbara.

BARBARA: Righto.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 21st June 2014. 20.15pm – 15 minutes after kick off.

Hazel, 94, and Barbara, 96, are sat on the sofa watching the Germany vs Ghana game.

Barbara lifts up her skirt slightly to itch her thigh. Hazel spots a big graze on Barbara’s knee.

HAZEL: Oh dear, Barbara, what happened?!

BARBARA: Oh, that?

Barbara reveals her other knee, covered in sores.

BARBARA: Was doing Klinsmanns earlier.

HAZEL: Blimey, that’s a bit dangerous. Where?

BARBARA: On the floor.

HAZEL: Here?

BARBARA: Nah, next door. Those Klinsmann boys love taking their turns on me…

Barbara winks.

BARBARA: On all fours…

HAZEL: (Pause) You slipped in the bath again, didn’t you?

BARBAA: Yep, arse over tit.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 21st June 2014. 17.45pm – Half time.

Hazel, 94, is sat on the sofa, staring at her watch, tutting.

The front door slams open, Barbara runs into the living room, sweating all over.

HAZEL: You’re late.

BARBARA: I know, I know-

HAZEL: I can’t believe you’re late to ANOTHER game!

BARBARA: I’m sorry, sorry. I got caught up at the park.

HAZEL: Especially with my Iranian heritage. This is a big game for me.

BARBARA: Hazel, I’m so sorry.

HAZEL: Why are you sweaty?

BARBARA: I realised the time

Barbara looks at the TV to see what game is playing and smiles.

BARBARA: I realised what game it was and how important it is to you

Barbara smiles.

BARBARA: So… I run

HAZEL: You mean ‘I ran’.

BARBARA: DAMMIT!

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 20th June 2014. 23.00pm – Kick off.

Barbara, 96, is sat on the sofa scratching her head. She turns to Hazel, 94.

BARBARA: …Hazel?

HAZEL: Mm?

BARBARA: Wh…Where is Honduras?

HAZEL: It’s bordered with El Salvador.

BARBARA: …

HAZEL: It’s next to Nicaragua.

BARBARA: …

HAZEL: Which is next to Costa Rica.

BARBARA: …

HAZEL: Which is next to Panama.

BARBARA: PRISON BREAK!

HAZEL: Yeah

Hazel taps Barbara’s head.

HAZEL: Prison Break.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 20th June 2014. 20.00pm – Kick off.

Hazel, 94, is sat on the living room sofa with Barbara, 96, in a weirdly awkward silence for such close friends. Hazel turns to Barbara.

HAZEL: Did you know that Switzerland has four official languages-

BARBARA: Mm?

HAZEL: None of which is used on their stamps?

BARBARA: No.

HAZEL: They use Latin on their stamps.

BARBARA: I don’t really care.

Hazel looks around the room struggling to think of something to say.

HAZEL: Did you know Renée Zellweger is half Swiss?

BARBARA: Could’ve guessed, really.

Barbara yawns.

HAZEL: Did you know the Swiss roll isn’t from Switzerland?

BARBARA: TAKE IT BACK!

HAZEL: It’s true. Apparently its origin is ‘Central Europe’ and the name is simply misleading.

Barbara does a quick Google search of ‘Swiss roll’.

BARBARA: FUCK!

Barbara passes out.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 20th June 2014. 17.00pm – Kick off.

Hazel, 94, is sat on the sofa. Barbara, 96, walks into the living room and places, on the coffee table, a massive plate of carbonara, a bowl of pesto pasta, a dish of lasagne, a plate of bolognese, three large pizzas and two sticks of garlic bread.

HAZEL: Jesus Christ, Barbara. That’s a lot of food for just us two.

Barbara takes a mouthful of carbonara.

BARBARA: It’s not for us. It’s for me.

Barbara has a bite of pepperoni pizza.

HAZEL: Blimey. Why’ve you got so much?!

Barbara spoons bolognese and a slice of garlic bread into her mouth.

BARBARA: Carb-loading, ain’t I?

Barbara eats a fist of pesto pasta.

HAZEL: For what?

Barbara shoves more pizza in her gob.

BARBARA: …eh?

HAZEL: What are you carb-loading for?

Barbara scoops lasagne up with garlic bread.

BARBARA: Dunno

HAZEL: What do you mean you don’t know?

Barbara rolls a slice of pizza up in a ball and chews on it.

BARBARA: Just heard it’s good to do.

Barbara shoves more pesto pasta in.

HAZEL: Jesus. Yeah it’s good if you’re planning an endurance event in a few days.

Barbara bites the lasagne.

BARBARA: Why?

HAZEL: It helps increase your energy. Seriously, you should stop-

BARBARA: I could beat you in a race.

HAZEL: Ha.

BARBARA: Let’s go, right now.

HAZEL: Don’t be stup-

BARBARA: Scared?

Barbara takes a fork full of carbonara and slowly slides it in her mouth, winking at Hazel.

HAZEL: Let’s do this.

Hazel and Barbara walk out to their back garden.

HAZEL: First one to the fence and back.

Barbara nods.

HAZEL: On your marks.

Barbara sucks up some spaghetti.

HAZEL: Get set.

Barbara pops a portion of garlic bread in her mouth.

HAZEL: GO!

Barbara vomits all over Hazel’s back.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 19th June 2014. 23.00pm – Kick off.

Hazel, 94, is sat on the sofa nibbling some sushi. Hazel offers some to Barbara, 96.

HAZEL: Sushi?

BARBARA: She what?

HAZEL: What?

BARBARA: Hmm?

HAZEL: Sushi?

BARBARA: Go on…she what?

HAZEL: Who?

BARBARA: Sue.

HAZEL: What?!

BARBARA: SUE! She what?! What did Sue do?!

HAZEL: I…um…nothing.

Barbara looks at Hazel’s hand.

BARBARA: Ooh, sushi, let’s get some!

© Carl Burkitt 2014