Cornwall. 20th June 2014. 17.00pm – Kick off.

Hazel, 94, is sat on the sofa. Barbara, 96, walks into the living room and places, on the coffee table, a massive plate of carbonara, a bowl of pesto pasta, a dish of lasagne, a plate of bolognese, three large pizzas and two sticks of garlic bread.

HAZEL: Jesus Christ, Barbara. That’s a lot of food for just us two.

Barbara takes a mouthful of carbonara.

BARBARA: It’s not for us. It’s for me.

Barbara has a bite of pepperoni pizza.

HAZEL: Blimey. Why’ve you got so much?!

Barbara spoons bolognese and a slice of garlic bread into her mouth.

BARBARA: Carb-loading, ain’t I?

Barbara eats a fist of pesto pasta.

HAZEL: For what?

Barbara shoves more pizza in her gob.

BARBARA: …eh?

HAZEL: What are you carb-loading for?

Barbara scoops lasagne up with garlic bread.

BARBARA: Dunno

HAZEL: What do you mean you don’t know?

Barbara rolls a slice of pizza up in a ball and chews on it.

BARBARA: Just heard it’s good to do.

Barbara shoves more pesto pasta in.

HAZEL: Jesus. Yeah it’s good if you’re planning an endurance event in a few days.

Barbara bites the lasagne.

BARBARA: Why?

HAZEL: It helps increase your energy. Seriously, you should stop-

BARBARA: I could beat you in a race.

HAZEL: Ha.

BARBARA: Let’s go, right now.

HAZEL: Don’t be stup-

BARBARA: Scared?

Barbara takes a fork full of carbonara and slowly slides it in her mouth, winking at Hazel.

HAZEL: Let’s do this.

Hazel and Barbara walk out to their back garden.

HAZEL: First one to the fence and back.

Barbara nods.

HAZEL: On your marks.

Barbara sucks up some spaghetti.

HAZEL: Get set.

Barbara pops a portion of garlic bread in her mouth.

HAZEL: GO!

Barbara vomits all over Hazel’s back.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 19th June 2014. 23.00pm – Kick off.

Hazel, 94, is sat on the sofa nibbling some sushi. Hazel offers some to Barbara, 96.

HAZEL: Sushi?

BARBARA: She what?

HAZEL: What?

BARBARA: Hmm?

HAZEL: Sushi?

BARBARA: Go on…she what?

HAZEL: Who?

BARBARA: Sue.

HAZEL: What?!

BARBARA: SUE! She what?! What did Sue do?!

HAZEL: I…um…nothing.

Barbara looks at Hazel’s hand.

BARBARA: Ooh, sushi, let’s get some!

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 19th June 2014. 7.45pm – 15 minutes before kick off.

Hazel, 94, and Barbara, 96, are walking to the living room from the kitchen. Barbara is incredibly excited about the England game.

BARBARA: OHMYGODICAN’TWAIT

HAZEL: OK, OK, calm down.

BARBARA: Sorry! Sorry.

HAZEL: It’s OK.

BARBARA: Wanna hear a joke? A football joke?

HAZEL: Sure.

BARBARA: Knock knock

HAZEL: Who’s there?

BARBARA: Coleen Rooney.

HAZEL: Coleen Rooney wh-

Barbara kicks Hazel to the ground.

BARBARA: COME ON ENGLAND, COME ON ENGLAND, COME ON ENGLAND!

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 19th June 2014. 17.00pm – Kick off.

Hazel, 94, is sat on the sofa wearing a black bald cap and an Ivory Coast football shirt with ‘Zokora’ on the back.

Barbara, 96, enters the living room wearing a blue floral dress.

HAZEL: Oh, Barbara!

BARBARA: What?

HAZEL: Today is our traditional ‘Most Capped Player Day’. You promised you’d take part this year. I’ve come dressed as Didier Zokora. You were supposed to come as Colombia’s Carlos Valderrama.

BARBARA: I have!

HAZEL: No you haven’t!

BARBARA: I have!

HAZEL: You’re wearing a dress! Plus, wears his massive blonde, curly afro?

Barbara lifts up the bottom of her dress in Hazel’s direction.

HAZEL: You’re a fucking animal.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 18th June 2014. 23.10pm – Ten minutes after kick off.

Hazel, 94, and Barbara, 96, are sat on the sofa in a bit of a competitive mood.

BARBARA: Yeah, well, did you know this will be the first ever game between Cameroon and Croatia?

HAZEL: Obviously. Did you know Cameroon took 91 minutes to have an effort at goal in their first game against Mexico?

BARBARA: Ha! Of course! Did you know Cameroon have won only one of their 13 World Cup games against European sides, drawing five and losing seven?

HAZEL: Did you know Croatia had Mario Mandzukic available for selection for the first time in this World Cup finals tournament. No player scored more headed goals than the Bayern Munich striker in the top five European leagues in 2013-14, which is seven?

BARBARA: Cameroon have lost their last five World Cup matches; the longest losing streak of any African nation at the tournament.

HAZEL: I’m not an idiot. Did you know Cameroon have played 21 World Cup matches overall and their one shot on target tally against Mexico in the opening game was the fewest they’ve ever mustered in a WC finals match.

BARBARA: Well, did you know I can do a hand stand?

Barbara does a hand stand.

HAZEL: Did you know I can do a cartwheel?

Hazel does a cartwheel.

BARBARA: HA! Did you know I can do a fucking front flip?!

Barbara does a front flip, wobbling slightly as she lands.

HAZEL: Yeah, well, did you know…did you know I can do…do a back flip?

BARBARA: …

Hazel does a back flip, landing neatly on her feet.

Barbara tiptoes backwards upstairs.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 18th June 2014. 20.30pm – 30 minutes after kick off.

Hazel, 94, is sat on the sofa. Barbara, 96, walks down the stairs and stands next to her, her right arm behind her back.

BARBARA: Did they ever get those Chilean miners out?

HAZEL: Yeah.

BARBARA: Really?

HAZEL: Like, four years ago.

BARBARA: Thank God.

HAZEL: I guess.

BARBARA: Quite scary, that story, wasn’t it?

HAZEL: Yeah.

BARBARA: Can you imagine being trapped for that long?

HAZEL: No.

BARBARA: It would be horrible, wouldn’t it?

HAZEL: Yeah.

BARBARA: You agree?

HAZEL: Well, yeah, it wouldn’t be nice.

BARBARA: So do you agree that nothing deserves to be trapped in a confined space with seemingly no hope?

HAZEL: Of course.

BARBARA: So if you knew something was lodged with no means of escape, you’d try all that you could to remove it?

HAZEL: Well, yeah, I guess I would.

Barbara moves her right arm from behind her back, revealing a sodden, sticky, brown toilet brush.

BARBARA: Good, ‘cos I’ve done it again.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 18th June 2014. 20.30pm – 30 minutes after kick off.

Hazel, 94, is sat on the sofa. Barbara, 96, walks down the stairs and stands next to her, her right arm behind her back.

BARBARA: Did they ever get those Chilean miners out?

HAZEL: Yeah.

BARBARA: Really?

HAZEL: Like, four years ago.

BARBARA: Thank God.

HAZEL: I guess.

BARBARA: Quite scary, that story, wasn’t it?

HAZEL: Yeah.

BARBARA: Can you imagine being trapped for that long?

HAZEL: No.

BARBARA: It would be horrible, wouldn’t it?

HAZEL: Yeah.

BARBARA: You agree?

HAZEL: Well, yeah, it wouldn’t be nice.

BARBARA: So do you agree that nothing deserves to be trapped in a confined space with seemingly no hope?

HAZEL: Of course.

BARBARA: So if you knew something was lodged with no means of escape, you’d try all that you could to remove it?

HAZEL: Well, yeah, I guess I would.

Barbara moves her right arm from behind her back, revealing a sodden, sticky, brown toilet brush.

BARBARA: Good, ‘cos I’ve done it again.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 18th June 2014. 17.00pm – Kick off.

Hazel, 94, is sat on the sofa as the game kicks off.

She catches the reflection of Barbara, 96, dressed as Peter Pan in the television.

HAZEL: Netherlands.

Barbara turns and walks back upstairs.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 17th June 2014. 23.00pm – Kick off.

Barbara, 96, and Hazel, 94, sit on the sofa, both clutching an empty litre bottle of Smirnoff Vodka.

HAZEL: …

BARBARA: …

HAZEL: (Burps)

BARBARA: …

HAZEL: …

BARBARA: Poo…Tin

HAZEL: …HA!

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 17th June 2014. 20.00pm – Kick off.

Barbara, 96, is sat on the sofa daydreaming about fajitas. Hazel, 94, is in the kitchen reluctantly cooking too many fajitas.

BARBARA: HAZEL!

HAZEL: YES?

BARBARA: THOSE FAJITAS READY YET?

HAZEL: NO.

BARBARA: AWW HURRY UP, I WANT FAJITAS.

HAZEL: HAVE SOME PATIENCE.

Barbara twiddles her thumbs for a few seconds.

BARBARA: HAZEL

HAZEL: NO, THEY’RE NOT READY YET.

BARBARA: PLEASE HURRY, I REALLY WANT FAJITAS, I’VE WANTED FAJITAS ALL DAY.

HAZEL: YES, I KNOW, I MISSED THE END OF THE BELGIUM GAME TO GO TO THE SHOP TO BUY ALL OF THE STUFF AND HAVE SPENT THE LAST 30 MINUTES MAKING MY OWN SALSA AND GUACAMOLE.

BARBARA: …PLEASE HURRY

HAZEL: …

BARBARA: …I REALLY WANT FAJITAS.

HAZEL: JESUS CHRIST!

Hazel walks into the living room with a huge serving dish piled high with fajitas and places them on the coffee table in front of Barbara.

HAZEL: There you go, your majesty.

BARBARA: Oh.

HAZEL: What?

BARBARA: …Nothing.

HAZEL: Go on, what?

BARBARA: Are these fajitas?

HAZEL: Yes.

BARBARA: Right.

HAZEL: Why?

BARBARA: What are those meat things you put between a roll?

HAZEL: What meat things?

BARBARA: Kind of disc shaped. You can have them with cheese, or bacon sometimes.

HAZEL: Burgers?

BARBARA: Yes! Burgers!

HAZEL: What about them?

BARBARA: I wanted burgers.

© Carl Burkitt 2014