Social butterfly

Posted on March 4, 2014 by carltellstales

Like water she moves
Smoothly, gracefully, moistly;
Slipping into cracks.

God’s greatest creation

Posted on February 14, 2014 by carltellstales

I was lost, like a car with no direction,
Then you appeared; God’s greatest creation.

You are the stars to my Milky Way,
The fog lights to my misty day.

You are the plaster to my cut,
The buffet to my Pizza Hut.

You are the twinkle to my eye,
The sunshine to my sky.

You are the wrapper to my chocolate Flake,
The rising agent to my cake.

You are the pen to my paper,
The drink to my Don Draper.

You are the Worcester sauce to my cheese on toast,
The gravy to my Sunday roast.

You are the bowl to my soup,
The toilet roll to my poop.

You are the Fergie to my Man U,
The tramp to my Special Brew.

You are the strings to my bow,
The comb to my ‘fro.

Your are the sentences to my story,
The spoon to my knickerbocker glory.

You are the end to my masturbation,
You are God’s greatest creation.

The chase

Posted on February 14, 2014 by carltellstales

The man fell in love with the woman.
The woman didn’t fall in love with the man.
The man changed every single, possible thing about himself.
The woman fell in love with the man.
The man felt smothered and fucked a prostitute.

Romance ain’t dead

Posted on February 14, 2014 by carltellstales

Come gather fools, come gather I say,
For today is the day the lovers will play.
Some will be straight and some will be gay,
But all will be filthy on Valentine’s Day.

Legs will be splayed for every card that is made,
Whilst the bored are unleashed and deliciously depraved.
Tits will be licked and pricks will be pricked,
Whilst chocolate is spread on a whole host of dicks.
Pulses will race and genitals shall cry
As lovers pound each other and splurge in their eyes.

Young hearts so grateful for their thoughtful, cheap gift,
Sweet nothings they shall whisper as their spirits lift:
“Flick that and fist this and give those holes a big old kiss,
Then grab the whip and grab the chains
And you make sure I never walk again.
Go on my sweet – you horrid old
Fucker – squeeze this bit, bend me over,
And let me thank you, for that yummy Yakisoba.”

Way to spend an evening

Posted on February 9, 2014 by carltellstales

The tired kitty walked into the room.
She yawned and looked at the surrounding humans.

One man put tonnes of brown liquid in his mouth,
Another was dribbling on the sofa.

Some girls wiggled their bodies to strange loud sounds,
Two were being sick off the balcony.

A snoring man had his eyebrows shaved off,
Another man did a wee in a glass.

A woman was slapping a crying man’s face,
Another flashed her boobies to the room.

Two boys wrestled and smashed glasses on the floor,
Another two took photos up girls’ skirts.

‘Funny old bunch,’ the tired kitty thought,
As her brother licked her arsehole clean.

Tradition

Posted on January 30, 2014 by carltellstales

It was the chocolate cake’s 4th birthday.
The lights went out and his family began to sing
as his father carried in a human baby;
its guts riddled with burning candles.

The baby screamed as melting wax dropped on to its skin
before the birthday boy
blew out the flames to an
almighty applause.

The father chopped off the baby’s arms, legs and head,
diced up its torso and
handed it out to the crowd.
All of the elders bitched about how sweet the flesh tasted
and how they preferred jam
over blood.