4/7/19 – Malone

Posted on July 4, 2019 by carltellstales

“Post Malone!”
The bullies yelled
As they slapped
A second class stamp
On Post Malone’s head
And shoved him into a post box.

Purple

Posted on July 4, 2019 by carltellstales

If I could swim in a pool of Vimto I would.
Not the fizzy kind, mind, bubbles give me wind,
but if I saw a pool of still Vimto I’d dive right in.
I’d let the memories of old summers stick to me,
turn my whole body into a satisfied stained smile.
I’d dance with Purple Ronnie and not understand his ruder poems.
I’d stop trying to work out what fruit is in Vimto
and for once just be present and let the juice tickle me.
I’d tell Craig it’s fine if he prefers Ribena and I prefer Vimto.
It really doesn’t matter. I’m pretty sure we can stay friends.
I’d wave goodbye to Craig again.

3/7/19 – Vettel

Posted on July 3, 2019 by carltellstales

Sebastian Vettel
Drank some Dettol
The morning of an F1 race.
He collapsed in his room
Blew up like a balloon
And couldn’t get his helmet over his face.

2/7/19 – Lohan

Posted on July 2, 2019 by carltellstales

Lindsay Lohan
Was never a fan
Of being too early to things.
It made her feel all embarrassed.
Likewise, Lindsay Lohan
Was never a fan
Of being too late.
It made her feel all rude.
That’s why she always
Put the bins out
In the middle of the week
When collection day was Sunday,
If you’re wondering.

1/7/19 – Tyler

Posted on July 1, 2019 by carltellstales

Liv Tyler’s Rottweiler
Ran off with an airline pilot.
(In a romantic way.)
It was all over the news.
The bloke was given 3 years in prison
And the poor mutt was devastated.

BREKKIE IN BED by Jeff Chef

Posted on July 1, 2019 by carltellstales

1. Eggs
2. Bacon
3. Sausage
4. Beans
5. Toast
6. Tomatoes
7. Mushrooms
8. Avocado
9. Hash Browns
10. Ketchup
11. Tea
12. Orange Juice
13. No-One to Give it to