Joaquin Phoenix
Said to the dealer –
For the umpteenth time –
“54 cards?! I thought
A deck only had 52!”
No-one at the table laughed,
Because it was neither a joke
Nor a clever observation,
But Joaquin was
Dead pleased with himself.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Kelly Osbourne
Slipped on some frogspawn.
“Dad’s diet’s getting out of hand,”
She sighed.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Hillary Clinton
Took a trip to Clinton Cards,
Just to see what it was all about.
She looked through birthday cards,
Special occasion cards,
Get well and sympathy cards,
A few over-sized balloons,
A couple of candles
And a shelf full of party hats.
She really liked it.
She told all her mates about it
When she got back home.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

David Furnish wasn’t sure whether to

1) Provide (a house or room)
With furniture and fittings,

Or

2) Be a source of; provide. Supply someone
With (something); give (something) to someone,

So he just threw his dictionary away
And ate a lasagne for one.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Wayne Rooney had no plans for the night,
So stayed in and thought about his old goals.
He thought about that one he scored with his head
And that one he scored with his foot
And that one he scored with his other foot
And that one he scored from a tough angle
And that other one he scored with his head.
He loved thinking about all his old goals,
So much so he grab his old balls
And thought about scoring again.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Emilia Clarke
Went out for a tasty meal.
She had the Soup of the Day,
A perfectly cooked medium rare steak,
Followed by a rich sticky toffee pudding.
It was delightful.
When she finished her relaxing coffee,
Emilia handsomely tipped the waiting staff
And burnt the fucking restaurant to the ground.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Arsène Wenger
Bought a bus.
He was actually far cheekier
Than people realised.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Andrew Scott
Was hot.
Fact.

© Carl Burkitt 2019