Cornwall. 8th August 2014. 19.05pm – 40 minutes before kick off.
After a successful World Cup in Brazil, Hazel, 94, and Barbara, 96, are sat on the sofa, excited for Blackburn vs Cardiff to kick off and start the Football Season 2014-15, surrounded by beers, crisps and chocolate nibbles.
HAZEL: This is VERY exciting.
BARBARA: Certainly is!
HAZEL: What are most looking forward to this season?
BARBARA: Ooh, seeing my little Adrian every game.
HAZEL: Adrian who?
BARBARA: Not Adrian Who.
HAZEL: Eh? No… Jesus. Who’s Adrian?
HAZEL: Adrian Chiles?
HAZEL: You’re excited to see Adrian Chiles?
HAZEL: Hate to break it to you, but you won’t be seeing much of him this season.
BARBARA: What? WHY?!
HAZEL: He’s on ITV.
HAZEL: Most games will be on Sky Sports, like this one, or BT Sport.
BARBARA: Oh man! Really?!
HAZEL: Yeah. He’ll be on a few Champions League games though.
HAZEL: Wh…why do you want to see Adrian Chiles so badly?
BARBARA: During the World Cup he was a daily reminder to tend to my piles.
HAZEL: Oh. Haha. Because of his name?
HAZEL: Adrian Chiles, Piles. Like cockney rhyming slang.
BARBARA: Oh. No.
HAZEL: Why then?
BARBARA: His face. He looks like one of the shitty piles up my arse.
Barbara eats a Cadbury’s Chocolate Finger.
© Carl Burkitt 2014