Category Archives: Poems

I keep having dreams about you

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I keep having dreams about you,
But I don’t know what they mean

Like the one I had last night
We kissed by candle light
But when I reached into your trousers, your penis was gone

You looked me in the eye and sang a song
I’m not quite sure what you said but it went on too long
Something about cheddar cheese and Cillit BANG

I think that’s what you sang
But then the doorbell rang
It was your boyfriend coming to collect you

His face was different, like lumps of tissue,
His feet were slugs and he was selling the Big Issue
You looked so pleased to see the old dear

We all went out to grab a beer
My pint was filled with a solitary tear
The landlord had the head of a horse

I made the long face gag, of course
But you flipped out and punched me with force
Your boyfriend pulled your trousers down, your penis was back

He kissed you and fondled your sack
The TV played Art Attack
And I was Neil Buchanan

I keep having dreams about you
But I don’t know what they mean

© Carl Burkitt 2012

My Halloween Queen

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My father’s brain sprayed across the floor,
My brother’s guts dripped down the door.

My sister’s limbs scattered around the room,
My mother’s blood gurgled throughout the gloom.

With my family chopped and well and truly diced,
I stared at the chainsaw waiting to be sliced.

Who was this dark stranger who broke into our home,
Stealing my sunshine, destroying my throne.

With evil eyes and a vengeful roar,
The dark stranger fed on hateful gore.

He splashed through my relatives’ blood and sinew,
Screaming: “Satan sent me, he wants to meet you”.

He swung the chainsaw in the air,
“I’ll give you a second to say a final prayer”.

I closed my eyes on that Hallows’ Eve,
And thought of friends, Dave, Jack and Steve.

As I heard the chainsaw’s teeth come close,
I smelled what smelt like burning toast;

‘Hell’s approaching,’ my brain did say,
‘We aren’t escaping, there’s just no way’.

As I waited for the deathly blow,
Amongst the flames appeared a heavenly glow;

A sword-swinging angel shone in the light,
She howled: “I’ve come to put this madness right”.

Her blonde hair glistened as her arms did part,
Then she slid her blade through the dark stranger’s heart.

My savour cackled at her enemy’s end,
And shot me a smile meant for more than a friend.

She whispered a secret I can’t share today,
Helped me to my feet, then drifted away.

I’ll always remember that fateful night,
How could one forget such a gruesome fright;

I thought my life had reached its final scene,
Until I was saved
By my Halloween Queen.

© Carl Burkitt 2012

Molly Moth

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Bouncing round my room was a sad little thing
A disabled old insect with only one wing
Staring closer at the moth
I saw a top hat it did doff
And a smile as she started to sing:

“Howdy stranger, don’t pity me
For I am filled with unwavering glee
I’m lacking a limb
But I’ve an immovable grin
Making me prettier than a butterfly or three”

That’s what you said

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Burning toast
A cheating spouse
The death of a loved one

What is pain?

You’ll never be a writer
You’ve never experienced pain

That’s what you said

But I’m the one with the pen
The sword

I’m the one who could kill you
Make you poor
Turn you into a man
Put a penis on your head

What is pain?

Pain is what you gave
It put this pen in my hand

I could kill you

© Carl Burkitt 2012

Don’t eat them

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Don’t eat them
I mean it

Their gooeyness and salty taste will always fascinate you
But I promise nothing good will ever come of eating them

If you pick them, try something else,
Flick
them
Stick them to your Dad’s tool box

Yes, that is naughty, I was joking.
Just don’t eat them

I once knew a boy who ate them so much his nose
fell
off

Yes, that’s correct, that is impossible.
Just don’t eat them

If you eat them, girls will think
you’re smelly
and
gross

Yes, you’re right, girls are smelly and gross.
Just don’t eat them

If you continue to eat them the boogeyman will climb in through your window on the morning of your sixth birthday and smash up all of your favourite toys then climb into your bed to bite your fingers off one by one then slowly removing your skin to wear it as an over coat while tap dancing on your chest wearing a pair of spiky shoes and then he’ll use his pointy nails to slice your nose, ears and lips off and put them up your bottom

That shut you up

Don’t eat them
I meant it

© Carl Burkitt 2012

Ducks

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There’s something about ducks I can’t quite trust.
Just look at their beaks and little shaky butts.

If I see one swim, yeah I might grin,
but the way they reproduce is really rather grim.

The girl duck chills out, minding her own biz’,
While the blokes gang up and plough her with jizz.

Now call me an old romantic,
but the way I treat a girl
is with a slice of aromatic.

 

© Carl Burkitt 2012

That fing

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I saw this, like, fing, right
And it was, like, well
I was like
Is that that fing or somefing?

She said like no way mate that totally is that fing me and you saw like last week or somefing

The fing was, like
Brown, nah yellow brown
Like furry little fing
Saw it last week or somefing

She said like yeah we saw that like little brown furry fing last week or somefing on that like lamppost

Muffin
Yeah the thing was, like, Muffin
Or somefing
Check its fing

She said like yeah its fing says like Muffin on the silver fing and it’s got like number 11 Avenue or somefing

Number 11 Avenue was, like, big
And that
Like, that woman or somefing said thanks and, like
Muffin was well happy too

 

© Carl Burkitt 2012