My friend Ed
Is just like bread
If you knead him he will rise.
And just like bread
My friend Ed
Will go straight to your thighs.
© Carl Burkitt 2012
My friend Ed
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Category Archives: Poems
Ponce
Have you ever seen a pig
From Puerto Rico do a jig?
I saw one once
It came from Ponce
He wore a big bright yellow wig
© Carl Burkitt 2012
If the
If the ducks duck
The swans swan
And the cockerels “cock-a-doodle doo”
Do the pigs pig?
The cows cow?
And the hens go “hen-a-booble-boo”?
I’m not quite sure what the farm rules are,
But once I heard a chicken scream “Baaaa”
© Carl Burkitt 2012
Upside down
The cat said “woof”
Whilst on the roof
And stared at the dog on the ground.
The dog said “Meow,
What the fuck’s happened now?!
“My whole world’s flipped upside down.”
© Carl Burkitt 2012
The MP
An MP fell
He crashed to hell
His guts splashed on the floor.
“That’s what I get,” the MP said,
“For not feeding the poor.”
© Carl Burkitt 2012
Simon said
Simon said, please get out of bed.
Simon said, please wash your head.
Simon said, please go feed Fred.
Simon said. Simon said.
Simon said, are you out of that bed?
Simon said, have you got a clean head?
Simon said, has that Fred been fed?
Simon said. Simon said.
Simon said, get out of bloody bed!
Simon said, wash your shitty head!
Simon said, for christ’s sake feed Fred!
You’re not my mum! is what I said.
Yes I am, because mum is dead.
Simon said. Simon said.
© Carl Burkitt 2012
Slice of SPAM
“If you hit a man with a slice of Spam,
would it dent the side of his head?”
“No way, mate, that idea’s not great so just keep it in your bread.”
© Carl Burkitt 2012
25th birthday
I’ll be down the pub tonight, like every year, catching up, swapping stories, necking beer,
my hand resting on an
empty stool
“I should really delete his number, he’s got no signal up there,” I’ll joke. Like I always do
A slap on the back
Sambuca shots will struggle down our throats as eight-year-old traditions
force their way
into our evening
Confused rounds of dirty pints and luminous cocktails, interspersed with his favourite Simpsons quotes
A slap on the back
“Prince Charming!” will be yelled as the young DJ Googles Adam Ant, Birthday Pimms all round
Wobbly steps and curry sauce, dreaming of his wife and where he’d live and where’d he work and if he would be here with us right now
A slap on the back
Sleepy goodbyes and unforced cries before we trudge off, ready to tuck our memories under the duvet
The only light, an iPhone light: “See you next August. Love you mate. x”
© Carl Burkitt 2012
Carl tells tales 