10/3/20 – Hamm

Jon Hamm
Set up scam.
It wasn’t “technically” illegal,
Well, I guess it kind of was illegal,
But it didn’t “hurt” people,
Well, it hurt them physically but not,
Well, it was the kind of scam where you,
I guess you sort of take,
Well, and then you,
OK, basically, well,
Jon Hamm was a wrong’un.

© Carl Burkitt 2020

5/3/20 – Maguire

Manchester United centre back Harry Maguire
Would whisper “Hello, squire,”
In the ears of opposing strikers.
It didn’t really bother them
When being marked at corners or free kicks,
But when he started sneaking into their homes
And screaming it as they slept,
It became an issue.

© Carl Burkitt 2020

3/3/20 – Brooker

Charlie Brooker started writing
A new Guardian column:

The man was jiggling like a one day old baboon made from the jelly of an anxious pork pie that had spent six hours stuck in the middle of the vertical descent of the Alton Towers Oblivion ride next to a passionately screeching orgy of Brian Blessed, an industrial sized pneumatic drill and the cast of Stomp in the eye of a tornado made out of bouncy castles, sledge hammers and a bucket of pig turd.

By the time he’d finished the opener
He’d completely forgotten what he was doing.

© Carl Burkitt 2020

2/3/20 – Martin

Chris Martin couldn’t stop laughing.
The audience laughed too,
In that way you do
When you see someone laughing so much.
Chris Martin kept laughing and laughing
And laughing and laughing and laughing
And laughing and laughing and laughing
And laughing and laughing and laughing
Until the audience left, one by one, crying.

© Carl Burkitt 2020