Cornwall. 19th June 2014. 7.45pm – 15 minutes before kick off.

Hazel, 94, and Barbara, 96, are walking to the living room from the kitchen. Barbara is incredibly excited about the England game.

BARBARA: OHMYGODICAN’TWAIT

HAZEL: OK, OK, calm down.

BARBARA: Sorry! Sorry.

HAZEL: It’s OK.

BARBARA: Wanna hear a joke? A football joke?

HAZEL: Sure.

BARBARA: Knock knock

HAZEL: Who’s there?

BARBARA: Coleen Rooney.

HAZEL: Coleen Rooney wh-

Barbara kicks Hazel to the ground.

BARBARA: COME ON ENGLAND, COME ON ENGLAND, COME ON ENGLAND!

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 19th June 2014. 17.00pm – Kick off.

Hazel, 94, is sat on the sofa wearing a black bald cap and an Ivory Coast football shirt with ‘Zokora’ on the back.

Barbara, 96, enters the living room wearing a blue floral dress.

HAZEL: Oh, Barbara!

BARBARA: What?

HAZEL: Today is our traditional ‘Most Capped Player Day’. You promised you’d take part this year. I’ve come dressed as Didier Zokora. You were supposed to come as Colombia’s Carlos Valderrama.

BARBARA: I have!

HAZEL: No you haven’t!

BARBARA: I have!

HAZEL: You’re wearing a dress! Plus, wears his massive blonde, curly afro?

Barbara lifts up the bottom of her dress in Hazel’s direction.

HAZEL: You’re a fucking animal.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 18th June 2014. 23.10pm – Ten minutes after kick off.

Hazel, 94, and Barbara, 96, are sat on the sofa in a bit of a competitive mood.

BARBARA: Yeah, well, did you know this will be the first ever game between Cameroon and Croatia?

HAZEL: Obviously. Did you know Cameroon took 91 minutes to have an effort at goal in their first game against Mexico?

BARBARA: Ha! Of course! Did you know Cameroon have won only one of their 13 World Cup games against European sides, drawing five and losing seven?

HAZEL: Did you know Croatia had Mario Mandzukic available for selection for the first time in this World Cup finals tournament. No player scored more headed goals than the Bayern Munich striker in the top five European leagues in 2013-14, which is seven?

BARBARA: Cameroon have lost their last five World Cup matches; the longest losing streak of any African nation at the tournament.

HAZEL: I’m not an idiot. Did you know Cameroon have played 21 World Cup matches overall and their one shot on target tally against Mexico in the opening game was the fewest they’ve ever mustered in a WC finals match.

BARBARA: Well, did you know I can do a hand stand?

Barbara does a hand stand.

HAZEL: Did you know I can do a cartwheel?

Hazel does a cartwheel.

BARBARA: HA! Did you know I can do a fucking front flip?!

Barbara does a front flip, wobbling slightly as she lands.

HAZEL: Yeah, well, did you know…did you know I can do…do a back flip?

BARBARA: …

Hazel does a back flip, landing neatly on her feet.

Barbara tiptoes backwards upstairs.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 18th June 2014. 20.30pm – 30 minutes after kick off.

Hazel, 94, is sat on the sofa. Barbara, 96, walks down the stairs and stands next to her, her right arm behind her back.

BARBARA: Did they ever get those Chilean miners out?

HAZEL: Yeah.

BARBARA: Really?

HAZEL: Like, four years ago.

BARBARA: Thank God.

HAZEL: I guess.

BARBARA: Quite scary, that story, wasn’t it?

HAZEL: Yeah.

BARBARA: Can you imagine being trapped for that long?

HAZEL: No.

BARBARA: It would be horrible, wouldn’t it?

HAZEL: Yeah.

BARBARA: You agree?

HAZEL: Well, yeah, it wouldn’t be nice.

BARBARA: So do you agree that nothing deserves to be trapped in a confined space with seemingly no hope?

HAZEL: Of course.

BARBARA: So if you knew something was lodged with no means of escape, you’d try all that you could to remove it?

HAZEL: Well, yeah, I guess I would.

Barbara moves her right arm from behind her back, revealing a sodden, sticky, brown toilet brush.

BARBARA: Good, ‘cos I’ve done it again.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 18th June 2014. 20.30pm – 30 minutes after kick off.

Hazel, 94, is sat on the sofa. Barbara, 96, walks down the stairs and stands next to her, her right arm behind her back.

BARBARA: Did they ever get those Chilean miners out?

HAZEL: Yeah.

BARBARA: Really?

HAZEL: Like, four years ago.

BARBARA: Thank God.

HAZEL: I guess.

BARBARA: Quite scary, that story, wasn’t it?

HAZEL: Yeah.

BARBARA: Can you imagine being trapped for that long?

HAZEL: No.

BARBARA: It would be horrible, wouldn’t it?

HAZEL: Yeah.

BARBARA: You agree?

HAZEL: Well, yeah, it wouldn’t be nice.

BARBARA: So do you agree that nothing deserves to be trapped in a confined space with seemingly no hope?

HAZEL: Of course.

BARBARA: So if you knew something was lodged with no means of escape, you’d try all that you could to remove it?

HAZEL: Well, yeah, I guess I would.

Barbara moves her right arm from behind her back, revealing a sodden, sticky, brown toilet brush.

BARBARA: Good, ‘cos I’ve done it again.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 18th June 2014. 17.00pm – Kick off.

Hazel, 94, is sat on the sofa as the game kicks off.

She catches the reflection of Barbara, 96, dressed as Peter Pan in the television.

HAZEL: Netherlands.

Barbara turns and walks back upstairs.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 17th June 2014. 23.00pm – Kick off.

Barbara, 96, and Hazel, 94, sit on the sofa, both clutching an empty litre bottle of Smirnoff Vodka.

HAZEL: …

BARBARA: …

HAZEL: (Burps)

BARBARA: …

HAZEL: …

BARBARA: Poo…Tin

HAZEL: …HA!

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 17th June 2014. 20.00pm – Kick off.

Barbara, 96, is sat on the sofa daydreaming about fajitas. Hazel, 94, is in the kitchen reluctantly cooking too many fajitas.

BARBARA: HAZEL!

HAZEL: YES?

BARBARA: THOSE FAJITAS READY YET?

HAZEL: NO.

BARBARA: AWW HURRY UP, I WANT FAJITAS.

HAZEL: HAVE SOME PATIENCE.

Barbara twiddles her thumbs for a few seconds.

BARBARA: HAZEL

HAZEL: NO, THEY’RE NOT READY YET.

BARBARA: PLEASE HURRY, I REALLY WANT FAJITAS, I’VE WANTED FAJITAS ALL DAY.

HAZEL: YES, I KNOW, I MISSED THE END OF THE BELGIUM GAME TO GO TO THE SHOP TO BUY ALL OF THE STUFF AND HAVE SPENT THE LAST 30 MINUTES MAKING MY OWN SALSA AND GUACAMOLE.

BARBARA: …PLEASE HURRY

HAZEL: …

BARBARA: …I REALLY WANT FAJITAS.

HAZEL: JESUS CHRIST!

Hazel walks into the living room with a huge serving dish piled high with fajitas and places them on the coffee table in front of Barbara.

HAZEL: There you go, your majesty.

BARBARA: Oh.

HAZEL: What?

BARBARA: …Nothing.

HAZEL: Go on, what?

BARBARA: Are these fajitas?

HAZEL: Yes.

BARBARA: Right.

HAZEL: Why?

BARBARA: What are those meat things you put between a roll?

HAZEL: What meat things?

BARBARA: Kind of disc shaped. You can have them with cheese, or bacon sometimes.

HAZEL: Burgers?

BARBARA: Yes! Burgers!

HAZEL: What about them?

BARBARA: I wanted burgers.

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 17th June 2014. 17.00pm – Kick off.

Hazel, 94, is sat alone on the sofa, as she has been all day.

She hears the front door open and close. She sits bolt upright as Barbara, 96, enters the living room, a tiny plastic bag in her hand.

HAZEL: Barbara, I’m so sorry about yesterday during the USA game. I didn’t mean to-

BARBARA: Hazel, hush. I understand. We are adults. I can forgive you.

HAZEL: Oh, thank-

BARBARA: IF…!

HAZEL: If…?

BARBARA: You do one thing for me.

HAZEL: Oh, sure, anything.

BARBARA: As you know, I’m part Belgian.

HAZEL: I didn’t, but go on.

BARBARA: And as you know, the Belgian people are a proud people

HAZEL: Right

BARBARA: Who believe in great traditions

HAZEL: OK

BARBARA: And when we enter a path of forgiveness, the person we wish to forgive must perform one act for us.

HAZEL: …Which is?

Barbara raises the tiny plastic bag.

BARBARA: Hold a dog poo for 10 seconds.

HAZEL: Piss off!

BARBARA: Do you not wish for forgiveness.

HAZEL: Hold a dog poo?

BARBARA: Yes.

HAZEL: Really?

BARBARA: Yes, do not mock the great Belgian tradition-

HAZEL: OK, OK, I’m sorry. Pass it here.

Barbara opens the bag and tips the poo onto Hazel’s hand.

Five seconds in, Barbara smirks.

HAZEL: This isn’t a great Belgian tradition, is it?

BARBARA: No

HAZEL: You’re not Belgian, are you?

BARBARA: No

HAZEL: (Hopeful) This isn’t dog poo…?

BARBARA: No

Hazel looks relieved.

BARBARA: Unless a Barbara is a breed of dog…

© Carl Burkitt 2014

Cornwall. 16th June 2014. 23.50pm – Half time.

Hazel, 94, stares at the empty seat next to her, frustrated. For the first time in almost 50 years, Barbara, her best friend has missed a whole half of a world cup game.

Barbara, 96, runs into the living room dressed as an American high school cheerleader.

BARBARA: GIVE ME AN ‘H’

HAZEL: …

BARBARA: GIVE ME AN ‘A’

HAZEL: …

BARBARA: GIVE ME A ‘Z’

HAZEL: …

BARBARA: GIVE ME AN ‘E’

HAZEL: …

BARBARA: GIVE ME A ‘L’

HAZEL: …

BARBARA: WHAT DOES IT SPELL…?

HAZEL: ‘Boring bitch’?

BARBARA: Wha-

HAZEL: Let me guess… ‘Pig’?, ‘slug’?

BARBARA: No-

HAZEL: OK, um, ‘whore’?, ‘jug ears’?, ‘wank face’?

BARBARA: Bu-

HAZEL: ‘Butthead’?, ‘Slag chest’? Go on Barbara, just come out with it for Christ’s sake. Make your joke and piss off.

Barbara, head down, reaches to the side of the living room window and turns a tassel to lower the blind, revealing a huge banner that reads “MY SAVOUR, MY BEST FRIEND, MY ONE TRUE LOVE”.

HAZEL: …Barb-

BARBARA: Good night, Hazel.

Barbara walks away and up the stairs, missing, for the first time, a whole World Cup game.

© Carl Burkitt 2014