Bruce Springsteen’s washing machine broke.
A loose artichoke got the drum stuck.
Classic Bruce, he’d leave all sorts in his back pockets:
Handkerchiefs, keys, vegetables.
Once he left a whole toilet roll in there!
He’d never been great at laundry.
Thank God he had music.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
I’m sitting in the dinosaur section of Leicester’s New Walk Museum. I can see a bunch of dusty old bones to my right, surrounded by a bunch of pensioners. A few years ago I would’ve made the kind of joke where you go: “I’m sitting in the dinosaur section of Leicester’s New Walk Museum. I can see a bunch of dusty old bones to my right… I can see a few dinosaurs too!” But I don’t make that joke today, for two reasons: 1) I’m less of a dickhead these days. 2) In this museum, it’s the pensioners who are laughing, winding each other up and running around, and it’s the two young people who are sitting still, staring at their screens, petrifying into time.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
Nick Cave went to a rave.
He hated it.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
Bill Murray was in a hurry
To get up and leave the house.
All cos he heard the scurry
Of a tiny, gross, little mouse.
“Get out!” yelled Bill, all frightened and scared
To which the mouse replied “you get out.”
“Fair point,” said Bill as he got prepared
To move out having lost this bout.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
Sophia Loren
Bought a hen.
She didn’t eat the eggs
But painted heads
On each one
And took them to pubs
As her friends
For some fun.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
Jimmy Fallon
Could certainly bang on
And on and on and on
And on and on and on
And on and on and on
And on and on and on
And on and on and on
And on and on and on
For a while.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
Jada Pinkett Smith
Could never quite scratch
Her trinket itch.
Whenever she saw one
She had to buy it.
She had loads.
Seriously, a dangerous amount.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
Baz Luhrmann
Took a German
For a drive in his car.
They went slow,
They went fast,
They went really far.
And when Baz asked:
“You like?”
The German smiled
And said: “Ja.”
© Carl Burkitt 2018
Carl tells tales 