Marco Pierre White
Started a fight in his kitchen.
Not with a waiter or chef,
Because he new he couldn’t win.

Instead he goaded
A creme brûlée
Because he was a horrible,
Dangerous, dessert bûllŷ.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

When she wasn’t playing the violin
Sarah Chang did the ironing
And got some crying in.
She found if she got enough tears
On the creases, the dampness
Helped flatten all sorts of bits and pieces.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

John Malkovich
Had a bizarre, awkward twitch
On that bit
Between his testicles
And bottom hole.
It was usually fine,
But would quiver and shiver
Whenever he saw a big mole.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Raheem Sterling
Liked twirling in his swivel chair.
And he’d been earning
A pretty penny for the last few years,
So you can only imagine
The kind of swivel chair he had.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Nicholas Hoult
Felt a jolt. It was
Unsettling, and a wee bit sexy.
Which was unsettling.
And sexy.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Judd Apatow
Loved a good row.
A friendship ending type of row.
An uncomfortable for strangers type of row.
A break your jaw screaming type of row.
An “excuse me sir, I have to ask you to leave” type of row.
He just loved it.
But then, don’t we all?
The only thing with Judd Apatow, though,
Is that he preferred to have those rows
With himself.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Chelsea footballer,
Ross Barkley,
Got a job at
Barclays Bank.
He didn’t earn as much
As he did in his old job,
But he certainly didn’t
Stop slide tackling people
Every Saturday afternoon.

© Carl Burkitt 2019