Will Smith
Bought crisps and dip
And enjoyed a quiet night at home.
He always found those moments
Hugely humbling and important,
And enjoyed the chance
To bathe in some money, alone.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
25/9/18 – Smith
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24/9/18 – Dee
Jack Dee felt funny.
Not funny “haha”
But funny in his tummy.
He went to the toilet
In case it was a wee,
But it wasn’t.
It was a poo,
Obviously.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
23/9/18 – Springsteen
Bruce Springsteen’s washing machine broke.
A loose artichoke got the drum stuck.
Classic Bruce, he’d leave all sorts in his back pockets:
Handkerchiefs, keys, vegetables.
Once he left a whole toilet roll in there!
He’d never been great at laundry.
Thank God he had music.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
Fossils
I’m sitting in the dinosaur section of Leicester’s New Walk Museum. I can see a bunch of dusty old bones to my right, surrounded by a bunch of pensioners. A few years ago I would’ve made the kind of joke where you go: “I’m sitting in the dinosaur section of Leicester’s New Walk Museum. I can see a bunch of dusty old bones to my right… I can see a few dinosaurs too!” But I don’t make that joke today, for two reasons: 1) I’m less of a dickhead these days. 2) In this museum, it’s the pensioners who are laughing, winding each other up and running around, and it’s the two young people who are sitting still, staring at their screens, petrifying into time.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
22/9/18 – Cave
Nick Cave went to a rave.
He hated it.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
21/9/18 – Murray
Bill Murray was in a hurry
To get up and leave the house.
All cos he heard the scurry
Of a tiny, gross, little mouse.
“Get out!” yelled Bill, all frightened and scared
To which the mouse replied “you get out.”
“Fair point,” said Bill as he got prepared
To move out having lost this bout.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
20/9/18 – Loren
Sophia Loren
Bought a hen.
She didn’t eat the eggs
But painted heads
On each one
And took them to pubs
As her friends
For some fun.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
19/9/18 – Fallon
Jimmy Fallon
Could certainly bang on
And on and on and on
And on and on and on
And on and on and on
And on and on and on
And on and on and on
And on and on and on
For a while.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
Heel by Kate Tempest
Image
A book
Carl tells tales 