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Waterproof by Rob Auton
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Fairy lights
Every time you enter the room
you switch the fairy lights on
and my eyes join them.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
There’s no club better
There’s no club better
than Exeter.
And that’s coming from a Swindon Town fan.
A disappointed mid-table man.
The sad end to the season you’ve had,
you have every reason to feel bad.
But you’re amazing.
I mean it.
The grass ain’t greener elsewhere,
trust me, I’ve seen it.
I’d give everything to support a club like yours,
a team that plays for wins, not uneventful draws.
There’s no club better
than Exeter.
And that’s coming from a Swindon Town fan.
A disappointed mid-table man.
A team with a boss with a fake orange tan.
Your lads wore the stripes with pride this year
and went at League 2 with zero fear.
St. James Park was alive in style
As Tisdale and his staff went the extra mile.
Fourth ain’t first
but it could’ve been worse because
there’s NO club better
than Exeter.
And that’s coming from a Swindon Town fan.
A disappointed mid-table man.
A team with a boss with a fake orange tan.
A side with no defensive plan
or passion or voice within the stands.
Oh my days I’ll do whatever I can
to become a wonderful, brave, loyal,
handsome, awesome old Grecian.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
Needles by Brian Bilston
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Mince Piethon
A crusty old codger, the Mince Piethon sheds its skin in the most crumbly of fashions. Combine this with its rather pungent and lingering scent; this is easily the least subtle predator on Earth.
Found in every nook and cranny for a whole month, the Mince Piethon’s death on 31st December is often a welcome sight for many.
© Niklaus Von Stuffingball 1849
#ChristmasCreatures
(Illustration by Nicole Smeltzer)
Prawn Cocksnail
Ask around, more often than not the mention of a Prawn Cocksnail will be greeted with a cheeky smile and a glint in the eye.
With its pleasingly pink shell, lettuce-green body and tasty tangy trail, it’s a Christmas Creature that always conjures up excitement. But much like a warm-up act at a comedy show the Prawn Cocksnail soon gets forgotten when a cooler, much bigger Christmas Creature enters the room.
© Niklaus Von Stuffingball 1849
#ChristmasCreatures
(Illustration by Nicole Smeltzer)
Cranberry Sauceage Dog
A mushy little mutt, the Cranberry Sauceage Dog spends most of its life hunting for people’s attention.
Standing at half an inch tall, it’s perfected the art of a tuneful bark and a beautifully big bounce resulting in the warm embrace from folk who forgot it existed.
© Niklaus Von Stuffingball 1849
#ChristmasCreatures
(Illustration by Darrell Swainston)
(Illustration by Nicole Smeltzer)
Chocolate Hog
The kind-hearted amongst you would probably look at the Chocolate Hog and feel sorry for it. With a perfectly cylindrical torso, no tail and zero legs, it’s easy to pity this Christmas Creature.
But there’s no need. The Chocolate Hog is thrilled to be alive. A lack of limbs allows it to do the one thing it enjoys the most – rolling down hills. And with the sweetest of sweet-tooths, this cocoa-skinned so-and-so gorges on its flesh until it meets the tastiest of deaths.
© Niklaus Von Stuffingball 1849
#ChristmasCreatures
(Illustration by Nicole Smeltzer)
Seasons Greetindian Elephant
What more is there to say about the Seasons Greetindian Elephant that hasn’t already been said? There isn’t a superlative left in the English language to give this magnificently welcoming beast.
The second you step foot into its home, this loveable, giving, warm-hearted, selfless, huggable Christmas Creature greets you with a chocolate coin filled trunk, footfuls of mince pies and a tail load of sherry. Never has there been a more merry mammal.
© Niklaus Von Stuffingball 1849
#ChristmasCreatures
(Illustration by Darrell Swainston)
(Illustration by Nicole Smeltzer)
(Illustration by Andy White)
Carl tells tales 