Don’t eat them
I mean it

Their gooeyness and salty taste will always fascinate you
But I promise nothing good will ever come of eating them

If you pick them, try something else,
Flick
them
Stick them to your Dad’s tool box

Yes, that is naughty, I was joking.
Just don’t eat them

I once knew a boy who ate them so much his nose
fell
off

Yes, that’s correct, that is impossible.
Just don’t eat them

If you eat them, girls will think
you’re smelly
and
gross

Yes, you’re right, girls are smelly and gross.
Just don’t eat them

If you continue to eat them the boogeyman will climb in through your window on the morning of your sixth birthday and smash up all of your favourite toys then climb into your bed to bite your fingers off one by one then slowly removing your skin to wear it as an over coat while tap dancing on your chest wearing a pair of spiky shoes and then he’ll use his pointy nails to slice your nose, ears and lips off and put them up your bottom

That shut you up

Don’t eat them
I meant it

© Carl Burkitt 2012

Stood by the bins was a wonderful thing:
A set of pocket legs, barely reaching my chin.

The night was over, the music was done.
A taxi pulled up for years of fun.

© Carl Burkitt 2012

There’s something about ducks I can’t quite trust.
Just look at their beaks and little shaky butts.

If I see one swim, yeah I might grin,
but the way they reproduce is really rather grim.

The girl duck chills out, minding her own biz’,
While the blokes gang up and plough her with jizz.

Now call me an old romantic,
but the way I treat a girl
is with a slice of aromatic.

© Carl Burkitt 2012

I saw this, like, fing, right
And it was, like, well
I was like
Is that that fing or somefing?

She said like no way mate that totally is that fing me and you saw like last week or somefing

The fing was, like
Brown, nah yellow brown
Like furry little fing
Saw it last week or somefing

She said like yeah we saw that like little brown furry fing last week or somefing on that like lamppost

Muffin
Yeah the thing was, like, Muffin
Or somefing
Check its fing

She said like yeah its fing says like Muffin on the silver fing and it’s got like number 11 Avenue or somefing

Number 11 Avenue was, like, big
And that
Like, that woman or somefing said thanks and, like
Muffin was well happy too

© Carl Burkitt 2012

My friend Ed
Is just like bread
If you knead him he will rise.

And just like bread
My friend Ed
Will go straight to your thighs.

© Carl Burkitt 2012

Have you ever seen a pig
From Puerto Rico do a jig?
I saw one once
It came from Ponce
He wore a big bright yellow wig

© Carl Burkitt 2012

If the ducks duck
The swans swan
And the cockerels “cock-a-doodle doo”

Do the pigs pig?
The cows cow?
And the hens go “hen-a-booble-boo”?

I’m not quite sure what the farm rules are,
But once I heard a chicken scream “Baaaa”

© Carl Burkitt 2012

The cat said “woof”
Whilst on the roof
And stared at the dog on the ground.

The dog said “Meow,
What the fuck’s happened now?!
“My whole world’s flipped upside down.”

© Carl Burkitt 2012

An MP fell
He crashed to hell
His guts splashed on the floor.
“That’s what I get,” the MP said,
“For not feeding the poor.”

© Carl Burkitt 2012

Simon said, please get out of bed.
Simon said, please wash your head.
Simon said, please go feed Fred.

Simon said. Simon said.

Simon said, are you out of that bed?
Simon said, have you got a clean head?
Simon said, has that Fred been fed?

Simon said. Simon said.

Simon said, get out of bloody bed!
Simon said, wash your shitty head!
Simon said, for christ’s sake feed Fred!

You’re not my mum! is what I said.
Yes I am, because mum is dead.

Simon said. Simon said.

© Carl Burkitt 2012