Finding the set of legs on her driveway was very unsettling for Sian. She wiped the sweat from her brow, scooped up the limbs and chucked them in the bin with the rest of the body. ‘I’d forget my head of it wasn’t screwed on!’ she thought, climbing into her car.
As she pulled away Sian looked in the rearview mirror and, when she spotted the boy’s head on the back seat, absolutely pissed herself laughing.
© Carl Burkitt 2016
The boy had a lollipop.
It was so lovely
he ate the stick too.
His mum told him off
and 10 years later
he qualified as a surgeon.
© Carl Burkitt 2016
There was a box on the floor.
The people nearby looked at the box.
They didn’t touch the box.
They were scared of the box.
A professional man in a big jacket and boots approached the box.
He touched the box
Then walked away from the box.
The people nearby never found out what was inside the box.
© Carl Burkitt 2016
Emma was four days into her new diet.
She was starving.
On her commute home she scoffed a copy of Closer Magazine
And choked to death on a pic of Davina McCall’s elbow.
© Carl Burkitt 2016
Miriam fell in love with her Sims 4 character and treated him to a brand new sound system.
Whilst watching him dance in his pants, she leant forward for a kiss and cracked a front tooth on her laptop.
But despite the searing pain in her gums and her mouth filling with blood Miriam, the trooper, continued touching herself to completion.
© Carl Burkitt 2016
He had such a pretty house
She had such a pretty garden.
He had no one in his pretty house
She had them all
Underneath her pretty garden.
© Carl Burkitt 2016
Inspired by lyrics from ‘No Suprises’ by Radiohead.
The puppet really didn’t like his job
But he was a people pleaser,
So he danced for the crowds
And faked a smile when
His master popped his dick inside him.
© Carl Burkitt 2016
Billy made a snowman.
He wondered what it would be like to fuck it,
But got cold feet and wandered back inside.
© Carl Burkitt 2015
After slaving over Christmas dinner, to little appreciation,
Mrs Wick doused her little pudding in brandy and set it on fire.
Mr Wick coughed and died from the agonising burns,
Cursing his wife’s stupid pet name for him.
© Carl Burkitt 2015
The couple stood by the bonfire.
As the woman stared into the man’s eyes, he exploded.
His passion screeched its way above the field, filling the sky with the colours of his love.
When bits of bones and clumps of flesh began falling on the crowd, the woman moaned how he “always took things too far.”
© Carl Burkitt 2015
Carl tells tales 