Aaron assaulted Andy
Barry bashed Billy
Carrie cut Connie
Danny drowned Derrick
Eve endangered Eric
Frank fingered Fanny
Gertie gunned Gabby
Hayley harassed Heidi
Ingrid injured India
Joan jousted Jenny
Kevin killed Kenneth
Libby launched Larry
Mandy munched Malcolm
Nina nailed Norma
Ollie objectified Oscar
Penny porked Polly
Quinn quashed Quincy
Roger rifled Rita
Suzie slammed Simon
Tommy touched Terry
Ulrica unnerved Ulbricht
Vera vanquished Vinnie
Walter wanked Wally
Xavier xeroxed Xander
Yannick yanked Yakub
Zachary zapped Zelda

© Carl Burkitt 2016

See An A to Z of why humans are wonderful

A man did a thing.
The women were not happy.
Nor were some of the men.

© Carl Burkitt 2016

The lady sat on the sofa arm.
It was pointy (some might say sharp)
And you couldn’t see the material
through the blood and semen stains.

It was her favourite place to sit
And dream about the future.

© Carl Burkitt 2016

The kids played Twister.
Mary was fantastic, obviously.
A perk of being a nine-foot giant,
I suppose. Well, that and her
Two beautiful bunions.

© Carl Burkitt 2016

Harry Archibald
Ian Kevin Underwood
Hated long poems.

© Carl Burkitt 2016

Schloop the robot loved apples.
He loved juggling them.
He loved balancing them on his metal bonce.
He loved chopping them up and giving names to the pips.
He loved gently stroking their skin
And plotting how to drown his master’s son.

© Carl Burkitt 2016

Carrie had eight tentacles.
Eight, full-sized tentacles
just protruding from her body.
Seriously.
Eight full-sized tentacles.

I think I should clarify:
Carrie was not an octopus.
She was a human.
She had arms, legs, ribs, etc.

She just also had eight tentacles.

Eight.

Eight tentacles.

Take a moment to imagine that.

I mean, really think about that.

© Carl Burkitt 2016

The celebrity couple had a baby,
Which was nice,
But they had important jobs
Being famous
So left it with some concerned journalists
Who peeled off its skin,
Took some photos,
And laughed at its stupid insides.

© Carl Burkitt 2016

Sean took a selfie
And put it on Tinder.

It was the first time he’d ever
Posted a shot from one of his murders

But he thought he’d listen to his mates
And finally “put himself back out there”.

© Carl Burkitt 2016