George grabbed a pen and Michael grabbed a sword
as they vowed to finally settle the argument
of who was more poetic.

Within a matter of seconds
Michael sliced off George’s hand
like a thing slicing a thing.

He then shoved the sword as a something would shove a sword
right through George’s quad making a kind of plop sound.
More of a squidge sound actually.
You know, it sounded just how you’d imagine.

Michael was so angry if he was an animal you’d have said
wow that animal is fuming
or if he was a plant you’d have said
wow that plant is annoyed
but he was a human so he was just so angry.

So angry he took the sword and sliced George’s cheek.

So angry he got the sword and sliced George’s cheek.

So angry he had the sword and sliced George’s cheek.

George hit the floor, breaking his spectacles,
Before Michael scraped out his eyes
And strangled him to death as a
bonafide hooligan from an organised crime unit would.

© Carl Burkitt 2017

The Lake District ran out of water.
The locals started all sorts of rumours as to why.

“Probably Jeff,” said one. “You know what he’s bloody like.”

Poor Jeff was away in France at the time
so couldn’t intervene as his neighbours
besmirched his name
and burnt his house down.

© Carl Burkitt 2017

The shirt flopped over the ironing board,
Gritted its teeth
And cursed Sunday nights.

© Carl Burkitt 2017

The man was big
AND he was clever

so he drank all of the beer
and all of the wine
on planet Earth.

Very big
and very clever,
indeed.

© Carl Burkitt 2017

He woke up with four legs.
He wasn’t entirely sure why or how, but he embraced it.
He took himself for a walk, had a wee on a tree and slept in the front room.

He woke up with eight legs.
He wasn’t entirely sure why or how, but he embraced it.
He climbed up the door frame, spun a web and slept beneath the moon.

He woke up with sixteen legs.
He wasn’t entirely sure why or how, but he embraced it.
He scuttled up a tree, curled up on a leaf and slept in a cocoon.

He woke up with two wings.
He wasn’t entirely sure why or how, but he hated it.
He refused to fly, snapped them off and slept until the end of time.

© Carl Burkitt 2017

Today I’m looking forward.
I’m not moving my head.
At all.
I’m locking my neck.
I’m locking my eyes.
I plan on doing this all day.
If you’re to my left, move right a bit.
If you’re to my right, move left a bit.
I mean it.
Today I’m looking forward.

© Carl Burkitt 2017

The day ran away from Matt.

It ran straight into the night.

A place it knew Matt would never follow.

© Carl Burkitt 2017

Verity felt great.
She loved the feel of her skin,
so instead of stepping out of the house
she spent the night in.
(So to speak.)

***

Andy bought plants
for everyone in his street
and decided to deliver them door-to-door.

Getting the cactus through
Cameron’s letterbox was tough,
but the bare-footed screams
were worth the wait.

***

Lee licked his lollipop and handed it to Leanne.
Leanne shoved it deep into her left eye
before the couple laughed
their way to Specsavers.

***

Eve ate Darren’s chips.
Darren ate Eve’s wafer.
Just like any other night.

***

Nick pressed play on his laptop
and left the door ajar.

***

Tony posted 75 selfies.
He liked number 36 the best.
It captured his worst side perfectly.

***

Iris eyed up Irene.
Irene returned the favour.

Iris offered Irene an ice cream.
Irene slipped her gnashers out and gobbled it whole.

Iris brushed Irene’s hair.
Irene purred.

Iris lay down.
Irene joined her.

Iris woke up.
Tears filled her eyes.

***

Nora received a homemade, heart-shaped card.
The intricate details of the atria and ventricles
made her vomit absolutely everywhere.

***

Eric was finally granted a date.
45 years.
45 years of hard graft it took.
So it’s safe to say
his sudden death
was a right pain in the arse.

***

Sue sued her dating agency
on the grounds “kinky, up for a laugh, male”
was far too related to her.

© Carl Burkitt 2017