Justin hated how the mirror at work made him look.
He felt the same about his bathroom mirror, too.
And the one in his bedroom.
And his living room.
And the three at his parents’ house.
And pretty much any mirror he ever looked in.
Justin decided to smash all the mirrors in his life.
It seemed far easier than washing the blood off his face, tidying his hair and getting his teeth fixed.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
Terry’s watch was slow.
Roughly 25 minutes, 6 hours and 36 months slow.
He knew it wouldn’t be expensive to fix, but turning up to events 3 years late always made him laugh.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
Dean lost his house key.
He couldn’t be bothered to buy a new one or get his locks changed, so decided to chew his forefinger down to the bone and nibble at it until it resembled his old key.
He slid it into the lock and let himself in.
Clever little weirdo.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
All of the vegetables disappeared.
The humans collapsed on the supermarket floor,
void of a plan B.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
Sometimes I wake up and don’t know where I am.
I look at the ceiling and the walls and the floor
And still don’t know where I am.
Or why I am.
I get up and get changed into clothes I don’t recognise
And go to work unsure how I know where I’m going.
I do a job I don’t understand
And go back to a home that I forgot
And eat food I’ve never seen
And go to bed
And hope I wake up
And know what the hell is going on.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
Jed woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Underneath, to be precise. He was surrounded by dust, crusty socks and the monsters he’d banished many years ago. They looked beautiful, less frightening. He invited them to join him on top of the bed, but they shook their heads. Their eyes suggested they were scared of him. Jed returned to the right side of his bed with a renewed sense of self-confidence and a plan of action for the year ahead.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
Penny woke up with
roughly 2,018 things to do.
She shut her mouth,
got on with it
and it all turned out pretty well.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
The letter between X and V
On my keyboard is stuk.
I an’t use it, I’m out of luk.
From this day forth
When I email y’all
I’ll be signing off:
All the best, arl.
© arl Burkitt 2017
I wish I had a voice like John Cooper Clarke
It would make writing poems such a lark
I’d just list towns and nouns
And the names of wallies with frowns
I wish I had a voice like John Cooper Clarke
So I could say things that are relatively dark
But still produce smiles for miles
With my rather dark art
I wish I had a voice like John Cooper Clarke
And just read out the phone book
From Anderson to Mark
To Park, Spark and Stark
I wish I had a voice like John Cooper Clarke
And I’m not gonna lie
I would probably just say PIE and TWAT
And really, that’s that.
© Carl Burkitt 2017
UNREAL DEALS! the email’s subject line read.
God, Jerry thought. Marketing’s gross. Bet they’re not even any good.
He opened the email and ran his eyes down the offers.
BUY ONE T-SHIRT AND GET A LIVE-IN UNICORN FOR FREE!
£10,000,000 FOR NEW CUSTOMERS, JUST BECAUSE WE CAN!
BUY TODAY AND GET A TWO-YEAR, ALL-EXPENSES PAID HOLIDAY!
USE OFFER CODE ‘LOVELY’ AND GET A DEAD RELATIVE OF YOUR CHOOSING BROUGHT BACK TO LIFE!
Hmm not bad, Jerry thought.
© Carl Burkitt 2017
