The man bought smooth peanut butter instead of chunky peanut butter.
‘She won’t even notice,’ he thought.
A month later, his wife filed for divorce.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

The vegan looked at the ice cream,
It said: “I’m vegan.”
So the vegan ate it.

The vegan looked at the cake,
It said: “I’m vegan.”
So the vegan ate it.

The vegan looked at the burger,
It said: “I’m vegan.”
So the vegan at it.

The vegan looked at his reflection,
It said: “I’m vegan.”
So the vegan ate himself.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Parker’s teeth fell out.
It wasn’t painful
because they fell out of his pocket
not his mouth.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

The problem with Jerry’s feet
is that they weren’t long enough.
Not for what he had planned,
anyway.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Barry kicked off his shoes,
Farted as loudly as he could
And just bloody relaxed.
Everyone in the office thought
He was so cool.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Ronald hated public speaking.
As he stood up to give the best man speech
at his brother’s wedding,
he tore his own voice box out.
It was hilarious.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Justin hated how the mirror at work made him look.
He felt the same about his bathroom mirror, too.
And the one in his bedroom.
And his living room.
And the three at his parents’ house.
And pretty much any mirror he ever looked in.
Justin decided to smash all the mirrors in his life.
It seemed far easier than washing the blood off his face, tidying his hair and getting his teeth fixed.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Terry’s watch was slow.
Roughly 25 minutes, 6 hours and 36 months slow.
He knew it wouldn’t be expensive to fix, but turning up to events 3 years late always made him laugh.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Dean lost his house key.
He couldn’t be bothered to buy a new one or get his locks changed, so decided to chew his forefinger down to the bone and nibble at it until it resembled his old key.
He slid it into the lock and let himself in.
Clever little weirdo.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

All of the vegetables disappeared.
The humans collapsed on the supermarket floor,
void of a plan B.

© Carl Burkitt 2018