The poet tried to sum up the world.
He grabbed his fountain pen,
Carved a sunset on the inside of his eyelids
And went to sleep forever.

© Carl Burkitt 2017

She came home three weeks ago, skipping down the hall like she does. “Eyes closed, hands out,” she said. “I’ve got a surprise for you!” The second I closed them, I heard a thud. I’m yet to open my eyes – I’d hate to ruin the surprise – but when I do, I think I’m going to give the flat a clean. It stinks.

© Carl Burkitt 2017

Jerry bought an ape.
When he got it home
he found the beast to be terribly violent.
‘Perfect,’ Jerry smiled.

© Carl Burkitt 2017

Just pour it all over me.
Let your poison see me off.
Don’t dilute it.
I want to choke on your generous squash.

© Carl Burkitt 2017

The crowd picked up Ricky.
They dropped him
And dropped him
And dropped him.
He’d never been so happy.

© Carl Burkitt 2017

Ed Balls made himself a cake to celebrate Ed Balls Day.

The year was 3029 and he was the only human left alive. He was very sad, but couldn’t help but smile at the rise of his sponge.

‘848th time a charm!’ he cried.

© Carl Burkitt 2017

Golly gosh
my dear Avon lady ran off
with the cobbler.
It seems he makes cassettes for her
and lets her win at croquet.
Blimey.
At least that leaves the crossword for me
when I forget to collect Martha from Playschool.

© Carl Burkitt 2017

Tony bought a scratch card.
He scratched it up real hard.
£20,000.
Wow.
It didn’t bring his mum back, though.
Or even afford the car he desperately wanted.

© Carl Burkitt 2017

I’m sorry, Justin Timberlake, but you are not cool. You always look awkward. I wouldn’t usually say such a horrible thing about someone, but you just don’t look comfortable. It’s like you’re wearing someone else’s skin and every hip shake is a failed attempt to break free. Your eyes look dead. And I bet you have a fuller smile somewhere. I’m sorry. You are handsome. In a, sort of, I’m told to think you’re handsome kind of way. I’d kiss you, but I don’t think you’d like it. And neither would I. But I’d definitely kiss you. That’s the kind of world we live in now. Isn’t it?

© Carl Burkitt 2017