The vegan looked at the ice cream,
It said: “I’m vegan.”
So the vegan ate it.
The vegan looked at the cake,
It said: “I’m vegan.”
So the vegan ate it.
The vegan looked at the burger,
It said: “I’m vegan.”
So the vegan at it.
The vegan looked at his reflection,
It said: “I’m vegan.”
So the vegan ate himself.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
Parker’s teeth fell out.
It wasn’t painful
because they fell out of his pocket
not his mouth.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
The problem with Jerry’s feet
is that they weren’t long enough.
Not for what he had planned,
anyway.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
Barry kicked off his shoes,
Farted as loudly as he could
And just bloody relaxed.
Everyone in the office thought
He was so cool.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
Ronald hated public speaking.
As he stood up to give the best man speech
at his brother’s wedding,
he tore his own voice box out.
It was hilarious.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
Justin hated how the mirror at work made him look.
He felt the same about his bathroom mirror, too.
And the one in his bedroom.
And his living room.
And the three at his parents’ house.
And pretty much any mirror he ever looked in.
Justin decided to smash all the mirrors in his life.
It seemed far easier than washing the blood off his face, tidying his hair and getting his teeth fixed.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
Terry’s watch was slow.
Roughly 25 minutes, 6 hours and 36 months slow.
He knew it wouldn’t be expensive to fix, but turning up to events 3 years late always made him laugh.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
Dean lost his house key.
He couldn’t be bothered to buy a new one or get his locks changed, so decided to chew his forefinger down to the bone and nibble at it until it resembled his old key.
He slid it into the lock and let himself in.
Clever little weirdo.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
All of the vegetables disappeared.
The humans collapsed on the supermarket floor,
void of a plan B.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
Sometimes I wake up and don’t know where I am.
I look at the ceiling and the walls and the floor
And still don’t know where I am.
Or why I am.
I get up and get changed into clothes I don’t recognise
And go to work unsure how I know where I’m going.
I do a job I don’t understand
And go back to a home that I forgot
And eat food I’ve never seen
And go to bed
And hope I wake up
And know what the hell is going on.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
Carl tells tales 