Judith wrote everyone a Valentine’s card,
But was too lazy to post them.
So she just walked about the street
Throwing them into the breeze,
Dumping them into the river,
Shoving them into the mouths of strangers.
“It feels good to do something for others,”
she cackled.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Sven really wanted
to jump
over
the wall
like a cat
but one of his
legs hurt
so he stayed
on the floor
and licked his
bumhole.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Geoff ran out of ideas.
Panicking, he removed his head,
Scooped his stupid brain out with his fingers,
Popped a puppy in there,
And started all over again.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Char the registrar went to the bar after the boring seminar to drink a couple of jars. Her eyes filled with stars as she drank far too much, enough to fill a car, and pulled out her guitar to sing about caviar and chocolate bars. She puffed on a cigar the size of a crowbar and trotted off home through the reservoir riding her loyal pet jaguar.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Ross tried using his TV remote
to fast-forward his life.
It didn’t work.
If anything,
it just left him stuck on pause.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

He went in for the kiss.
He missed.
His lips hit the radiator
and set on fire.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Malcolm climb into a wine glass.
His wife poured Sauvignon blanc over him
As he remembered why he loved her.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Gen wanted to feel better about herself,
So she made herself a cup of green tea.
She held the warm mug in both of her palms
Before silently pouring it over her boss’s keyboard.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

William decided to drink some water.
He drank loads and loads water.
He drank so much water it poured out of all of his holes.
It was quite funny, until he slipped over and drowned.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

The man bought smooth peanut butter instead of chunky peanut butter.
‘She won’t even notice,’ he thought.
A month later, his wife filed for divorce.

© Carl Burkitt 2018