Chris Tucker felt a real sucker.
He’d been in the queue for an hour or two
And barely moved an inch.

So he joined the one to his right,
Then, yep, the original queue moved alright
And he tutted: “Damn, that stinks.”

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Cameron Diaz
Went for a waz.
It was fine.
Just a normal wee.
Seriously.
Shut up.
Stop being nosy!

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Chris Hadfield missed space,
So he painted his bedroom walls black,
Popped a bucket on his head
And ate liquidised food in bed.

But it just wasn’t the same,
So he called up NASA
And asked if they’d strap a rocket to his house.
They wouldn’t.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Jack Black filled his rucksack
With many wondrous things:
Candy floss, cotton wool
And fifty cheese strings.
He packed a Battenberg, some lemon curd
And a pot of cottage cheese,
Before sprinting out of the local shop,
Kicking a security guard in the knees.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Aaron Paul scaled the wall
To see how green his neighbour’s grass was.

It turned out to be much greener than his,
Which left him fuming in a bit of a tiz.

He soon slipped off the wall,
Cracked his head on the floor,
And made the grass red
With a litre of blood.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Melissa McCarthy
Ate some Linda McCartney sausages.

Despite having no meat
They were a pleasure to eat,

But she couldn’t tell
If that was because of their taste

Or the fact she’d wrapped them in bacon
And smoked salmon paste.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Blake Lively went diving
In a pond at the end of her road.

It was warm, it was fun
And she loved it in there,
So quit work
And made it her home.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Rupert Grint had a glint in his eye.
He LOVED practical jokes
And little white lies,
So as he hid behind the sofa,
Having told his mum he was out,
He smiled at the prospect of jumping out with a shout.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Kobe Bryant
Bought a Reliant Robin.

He tried to get in it,
But didn’t fit in it.

Obviously.

He’s fucking massive.

© Carl Burkitt 2018

Kristen Wiig watched Big,
The film with Tom Hanks.
She love it so much.
Not because she thought it was a great film,
It was alright,
She just loved the front cover of the DVD.
A few years earlier, drunk,
She used a Sharpie to turn ‘Big’ to ‘Biig’.
She pissed herself every time she saw it.

© Carl Burkitt 2018