Kelly Brook would often get asked
What are you up to these days, Kel?
She really enjoyed messing with people.
I’m a vampire! she might say. Or
I’m a pretty keen lumberjack! Or
I just can’t stop collaging! Or
I’ve been doing a lot of murders!
You know, harmless gags.
When, in fact, she was a presenter
On the Heart London drive show.
Interesting, eh?

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Scarlett Johansson
Became a stonemason.
She enjoyed sculpting the heads
Of people she’d worked with over the years.
You know, the likes of Bill Murray,
Jon Favreau, Rebecca Hall, Jennifer Aniston.
But her favourite to make was Mark Ruffalo
Because he had the same birthday as her!
Each year she would craft his handsome head
And smash it to a million pieces.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Goldie Hawn
Collected horns.
She had car ones
And baritone ones
And French ones
And single ones
And double ones
And lots of other
Big and little horny ones.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Kimberley Walsh loved waterfalls.
When touring with Girls Aloud
She’d stop the bus whenever they saw one.
She loved the way light bounced off them,
How colours weaved in and out of each other,
The scream of the water before its sudden death.
Sometimes, on stage, Kimberley would sing
‘Waterfalls’ by T.L.C
But in the middle of ‘Sound of the Underground’.
That’s how much she loved waterfalls,
And didn’t respect her bandmates.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Meg Ryan fed a lion
A veg pie and
He bit her hand off.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Ant McPartlin
Held a fart in
For 27 months.
It was a ridiculous bet
He made with Dec
And destroyed
His anus and tum.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Danny DeVito said his
Favourite animal was the Cheeto.
Nobody had the heart
To tell him.

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Gemma Atkinson
Grabbed a bat and some booze
And skipped to the park.
What started out as a laugh,
Very quickly turned dark
As she got nicked
For destroying an ancient oak’s bark
(And calling a toddler a “fucking wanker.”)

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Jimmy Choo had several ideas
For a few new styles of shoes.
Some had smoky bacon laces,
Some looked like lizard faces.
Some tasted like pecan pie,
Some smelt of the devil’s eye.
They were quite bizarre, that is true,
But what do you expect from old Jimmy Choo?

© Carl Burkitt 2019

Prince Charles
Felt like a royal idiot.
He hadn’t done anything stupid,
He just had a very,
Very low self-esteem.

© Carl Burkitt 2019