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© Carl Burkitt 2015
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Author Archives: carltellstales
Killing time
Steve was feeling bored
So decided to eat a bag of KP’s dry roasted.
When his nut allergy kicked in
And his windpipe closed up,
He decided he needed a hobby.
© Carl Burkitt 2015
Teacher Dad
INT. DAYTIME. 16th MAY 1985. MRS BRAVERY is lying in a hospital bed with a smile on her face that’s fighting the tiredness of a drawn out labour as MR BRAVERY sits next to her, holding her hand proudly.
In walks a DOCTOR with a stern face. The doctor nods at them both and stands at the foot of the bed.
MR BRAVERY: Everything OK do-
DOCTOR: I think you should sit down.
MR BRAVERY: I am…
DOCTOR: Thank you.
MRS BRAVERY: Is… is something wrong with our son?
DOCTOR: It’s not a boy.
MR BRAVERY: We have a girl?!
DOCTOR: No.
MRS BRAVERY: Wait, what…?
MR BRAVERY: No, please, don’t say it’s a…
The Doctor nods, gravely.
DOCTOR: Yes. It’s. It’s a Teacher Dad.
MR BRAVERY: GOOD GOD NO!
MRS BRAVERY: Huh? What’s a Teacher D-
MR BRAVERY: I’ve heard about those monsters!
MRS BRAVERY: Eh, what is it?
DOCTOR: There IS hope though.
MR BRAVERY: Really? I’ve heard they’re AWFUL.
DOCTOR: Well there are-
MRS BRAVERY: WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THE HELL A TEACHER DAD IS!
MR BRAVERY: Well, darling. I’m sorry but I’ve heard Teacher Dads grow up to be specky little gits. The kind of guys who stay at your place, use your cups to drink out of and leave them around the house without tidying them up. I heard they learn to play stupid instruments, grow peculiar facial hair and have scrawny pathetic arms. I’ve heard they’re annoying with weird accents and can’t hold their alcohol. I…I…
Mr Bravery breaks down in tears as Mrs Bravery consoles him.
The Doctor clears his throat.
DOCTOR: Yes. That is all true.
Me and Mrs Bravery look up in fear.
DOCTOR: However! With a strong upbringing, there are reports of Teacher Dads growing up to be honest, warm and caring men. Men who will do anything for their friends, their family and anyone who needs them. Teacher Dads can grow up to be great at their chosen profession. They can be creative individuals who have the talent to provoke tears and laughter in a single musical performance. Teacher Dads can often display great generosity, assertiveness and ingenuity. They can grow up to be loving husbands, wonderful fathers and friends people will never forget.
Mr and Mrs Bravery look at one another, smile and 30 years later get exactly what they wished for.
© Carl Burkitt 2015
Thrifty
The thrifty man was thrifty. Not just with his monies, but also his funnies. The thrifty man died, all alone at fifty.
© Carl Burkitt 2015
Mind games
‘Remember our kiss?’ he said.
‘Er no!’ she said.
‘I’ll ask again tomorrow…’ he winked.
‘HA HA HA!’ she said & snogged his face off.
© Carl Burkitt 2015
Lighting up a nation
Last week a very tall man
in a long black coat and dark sunglasses
offered me the chance to make one wish,
providing it helped the nation as a whole.
I pulled the man close to me and stared at him.
I pressed my nose against his, squinted
and gently whispered my wish to him.
The man hesitated.
‘Are you sure?’ he said. ‘But you only have one…’
‘Yes,’ I nodded. ‘Proceed.’
And with that
the very tall man
in a long black coat
removed his dark sunglasses;
revealing to the nation, the most beautiful eyes in the world.
© Carl Burkitt 2015
642 Challenge: “A very tall man in a long black coat and dark sunglasses offers you one wish, but it has to benefit the entire country.”
The dog who couldn’t bark
The dog who couldn’t bark
grew up to be a great listener.
He was quite a hit with the ladies.
© Carl Burkitt 2015
642 Challenge: “Write a story titled ‘The dog who couldn’t bark’.”
Mixed emotions
When Rick necked his 2 litre bottle of water,
He felt refreshed, proud and better than his colleagues.
When his afternoon meeting overran and he pissed himself,
He admitted to feeling a slightly larger range of emotions.
© Carl Burkitt 2015
The man’s moustache
The man’s moustache came to life.
At first it was great;
Like having several hundred pals chatting on his lip.
Eventually it was annoying,
as the moustache began nicking his food
and sleeping with his wife.
© Carl Burkitt 2015
Tuesday
It was a Tuesday after
A bank holiday weekend.
Henry sat at his desk
And punched himself in the cock.
© Carl Burkitt 2015
Carl tells tales 