Benedict Cumberbatch
Opened up the hatch
And stared at what was inside.
He looked at it.
He spat at it.
He couldn’t get over its size.
He quickly slammed the hatch shut,
Cursed so much
And cried from both of his eyes.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
Vin Diesel killed a weasel
Using the heel of his shoe.
It left him blue
But he didn’t know what else to do
When it jumped up
And bit his left testicle.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
David Hasselhoff had a nasty cough.
He spluttered and sneezed
And puffed and wheezed
All over his favourite trunks.
‘Ah feck it,’ he laughed by the gorgeous pool,
Dripping snot as he got blind drunk.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
Will Ferrell was in peril
So screamed “help”
At the top of his lungs.
A stranger stopped by
And helped him out with a smile
Then Will thanked him
Over an iced finger bun.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
Forest Whitaker quit Twitter
And started writing
His thoughts on post-it notes.
He stuck “Hungry, lol!” on the fridge,
“#FridayFeeling” on a Crunchie bar,
And “I’m so lonely” on his wife’s head.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
Jane Lynch shrank down to an inch
And went hunting for things to pinch.
First she stole some crumbs from a mouse
Then a strand of straw from a rabbit’s house.
She had so much fun
Being one inch for a while,
It was the happiest dream
She’d dreamt in a while.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
Harrison Ford felt bored
So bought a Ford
And drove it into a Fjord.
A kind Norwegian said:
“Need a hand getting out?”
And Harrison screamed:
“Piss off! I’ll do it of my own accord!”
© Carl Burkitt 2018
Michelle Rodriguez
Bought some duck eggs
And fried them on the hob.
She tripped and fell,
Dropped her grub on the ground
And spent three days having a sob.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
Georgio Armani
Joined the army
And damn did he look good.
He made his slacks tighter,
To be a slicker fighter,
And swapped his helmet
For a diamond spangled hood.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
Jessica Simpson
Painted herself yellow,
Grabbed a slingshot
And said: “Eat my shorts, man!”
She giggled in the mirror
And then took the joke too far
As she chopped a finger off both of her hands.
© Carl Burkitt 2018
Carl tells tales 