Claudia Winkleman
Went to the beach
To sip a cool, refreshing drinkleman,
Clear her mind
And have a proper, good thinkleman.
© Carl Burkitt 2019
15/1/19 – Winkleman
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Author Archives: carltellstales
14/1/19 – Cool J
LL Cool J
Lost his pepper spray
Which was fine,
Because where he was walking
Was pretty safe, actually.
© Carl Burkitt 2019
13/1/19 – Bloom
Orlando Bloom
Was consumed with gloom
As he sat alone
In his lonely room,
The smell of perfume
Lingering like an unwanted tune
Playing and replaying
How he was doomed.
© Carl Burkitt 2019
12/1/19 – Chisholm
Melanie Chisholm
Felt all alone
In a dark room
With three people
She couldn’t see.
“Hello!” she yelled.
“Where are thee?
Be a good sport
And walk towards me,
For it is I, Mel C.”
© Carl Burkitt 2019
11/1/19 – Heskey
Ex-footballer Emile Heskey
Was fed up of those pesky
Kids across the road,
Especially the son of Lesley,
(Also called Lesley)
Who pelted the former number 9’s
Number 9 house
With Walkers Crisps, acorns, cans of Carlsberg
And other old sponsors of the striker’s old teams.
It wasn’t too bad, to be honest,
Until Lesley threw the entire staff
Of a local Standard Chartered Bank
Against the walls of Emile’s place.
Poor bastards.
© Carl Burkitt 2019
10/1/19 – Foreman
After a case of mistaken identity
George Foreman was arrested.
The detectives gave him a right…
Well… you get it.
© Carl Burkitt 2019
ABCDinner Party
Aaron’s avocado was ace
Billy’s beans were brill
Colin’s coconuts were class
Donna’s doughnuts were delightful
Eric’s enchiladas were excellent
Freddy’s fish fingers were flippin’ fantastic
Gloria’s gateau was great
Hayley’s honey was heavenly
Izzy’s ice was insightful
Jerry’s jelly was… just…
Kate’s kale was kid-friendly
Larry’s lamb was laughable
Martin’s macaroni was marvellous
Naomi’s nut roast was nae bad
Olivia’s olives were outstanding
Peter’s pizza was particularly pleasing
Quincy’s quiche was quality
Ron’s rolls were rancid
Sally’s salad was sensational
Terry’s trifle was terrific
Ulrich’s udon was unbelievable
Vanessa’s Viennetta was vexing
Walter’s walnuts were wonderful
Xavier’s Xavier soup (shut up, it’s a thing) was xhilarating (piss off)
Yanni’s yams were yummy
Zara’s zucchini was zesty
© Carl Burkitt 2019
Kept Out of Reach by Francis Daulerio
Image
Delicate
9/1/19 – Middleton
Kate Middleton
Was actually Megatron.
Imagine that,
Prince William,
The Duke of Cambridge,
Second in line to be the King of England,
Marrying a TRANSFORMER.
Crikey.
© Carl Burkitt 2019
Carl tells tales 