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Posted on June 6, 2019 by carltellstales

5/6/19 – Conti

Posted on June 5, 2019 by carltellstales

Ventriloquist Nina Conti
Wanted a new puppet
So shoved her hand up
Anything she could find
To test drive it.
Post boxes, bowls of mashed potato,
Pencil cases, baby trees,
The ghosts of tormentors past,
An egg.
She tried everything.

4/6/19 – Brand

Posted on June 4, 2019 by carltellstales

Russell Brand
Referred to his hands as
His transporters of morsels to mouth.
His quill’s companions.
His highfalutin philanderers.
His wandering prehensile appendages.
His phalange houses.
His glove fuckers.
Everyone else referred to them as
His hands.
Far easier.

3/6/19 – Keegan

Posted on June 3, 2019 by carltellstales

Michelle Keegan
Couldn’t remember what she’d eaten
But she thought it was tasty
As it left her rather hastily.

HALFABET by The Lazies

Posted on June 3, 2019 by carltellstales

1. A for Alf a Job
2. B for Barely Bothered
3. C for Can’t Be Arsed
4. D for Don’t Care
5. E for Eurgh
6. F for Feck It
7. G for God’s Sake
8. H for Hardly Listening
9. I for I Don’t Wanna
10. J for Just Wing It
11. K for Kan’t Be Arsed With a K
12. L for Leave it There
13. M for Meh

2/6/19 – Agüero

Posted on June 2, 2019 by carltellstales

Footballer Sergio Agüero
Changed his name to
Sergio Agüergoal
And paid £6 million to do so,
Just because he could.

1/6/19 – Klum

Posted on June 1, 2019 by carltellstales

Heidi Klum
Sang dum dee dum
As she swallowed
Her 89th plum.

31/5/19 – Farrell

Posted on May 31, 2019 by carltellstales

Colin Farrell
Was a barrel of laughs.
The kind of guy
Who’d point at your neck
And say “what’s that?”
Then flick your face
When you looked down.
Haha,
Yeah,
Colin Farrell was
HILARIOUS.