David Arquette
Got a poisonous pet snake.
He let it sliver and quiver
Over the nape of this neck
Against all the advice
From his terrified vet.
© Carl Burkitt 2019
8/9/19 – Arquette
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Author Archives: carltellstales
7/9/19 – Elizabeth
Shannon Elizabeth,
The actor who played Nadia
In the American Pie franchise,
Preferred a flan.
© Carl Burkitt 2019
6/9/19 – Henman
Tim Henman
Would whisper
“Come on Tim”
To help himself
Get to sleep
At night.
© Carl Burkitt 2019
Orange
I often feel like I’m an orange bell pepper.
Not as sweet as a yellow one,
not as bitter as a green one,
not as nutritious as a red one.
If you Google
what are orange peppers,
the first suggestion is
what are orange peppers good for?
© Carl Burkitt 2019
Alter Egos
I was truly honoured to have two poems included in the Alter Egos anthology by the wonderful Bad Betty Press.
Hero, nemesis, spy or host? What exactly is an alter ego? With poems from the likes of Toby Campion, The Repeat Beat Poet, Birdsong, Laurie Eaves and many more, this book tries to find the answers.
Buy your self a copy directly from Bad Betty: www.badbettypress.com/shop
5/9/19 – Herzog
Werner Herzog
Made a film about a warthog.
It was ambitious, affecting,
Tear-jerking, illuminating,
And groundbreaking.
A film about a warthog!
Clever, clever Werner.
© Carl Burkitt 2019
4/9/19 – Ronson
Mark Ronson
Turned the radio on
And heard one of his songs.
It was one of the big ones.
The real big ones.
He smiled thinking back to the time of making it,
The friendships he formed,
The elation of connecting with audiences,
The magic of being a conduit for ideas
Transmitted from the universe
And then rolled over and had a wank.
© Carl Burkitt 2019
3/9/19 – Cotton
Fearne Cotton
Felt rotten
So sat on her bottom
For the rest of her life.
© Carl Burkitt 2019
2/9/19 – Lewis
Lennox Lewis
Liked wearing boxing gloves in bed.
You might think that sounds a bit kinky…
And you’d be right to think that.
He got up to all sorts
Of horrid nonsense.
© Carl Burkitt 2019
ASHODDYBODY by Lowe, Moore & Al
1. Where To Begin? (Intro)
2. Sweaty Palms, Soaking Arms
3. Adam’s Watermelon
4. Pores the Size of Paws
5. Creaky Knees (and Nephews Hate Me)
6. Bad Hair Life
7. Six Tonne Tonsils
8. Screaming Like a Standing Grandad
9. Hair, There, Everywhere
10. Dry Lips Shit Hips
11. Wide Awake, Still Snoring
12. Jawline Boreline
13. Bastard Brain (Outro)
© Carl Burkitt 2019
Carl tells tales 